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Posts Tagged ‘safe word’

NS(K)Q: Q65 – Can a slave be sexually assaulted? (TW)

April 15th, 2016 Comments off

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 65:

A friend of mine says she was raped by her owner. She says she didn’t want to have sex, so she told him she didn’t want to have sex, and he tied her down and had sex with her anyway.

When she brought it up to someone she trusted within their munch group, they told her that she wasn’t raped. They said a slave isn’t allowed to say no or revoke consent, and her owner had the right to do whatever he wanted.

Are they right? Can a slave say no? Can a master/slave dynamic exist once the slave revokes consent? Can a slave be raped? Should my friend be going to the police?

Legally, anyone can say no any time they want. Read more…

NS(K)Q: Q64 – Scene Didn’t Feel Right

March 18th, 2016 Comments off

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 64:

I’m new to the scene, and I recently met a dom. He’s really sweet, and has about five years experience. We played for a while at a party, and he was great with me, but…well, I left feeling like something was really wrong. Like I’d been taken advantage of. There were a couple times during the scene where I know I should have said something, but I didn’t. And then, when it was over, he just left, like it was nothing; I was nothing. Did I do something wrong? Did he?

It kinda sounds like you both did something wrong, but hey, it happens. Which isn’t to say it’s nothing; it’s not nothing. But it also isn’t the end of the world. I usually try to chalk situations like this up as a learning experience.

The first thing I want to tell you is that you always, ALWAYS have the right to speak up if something happens in a scene that you don’t like. Most good dominants will expect you to speak up, and will actually be disappointed (and maybe a little hurt) if they find out that you didn’t. Read more…

Kinktionary: Safe Word

July 3rd, 2015 Comments off

safe-wordThe need for a safe word is a matter of debate around the kink forums. Some are vehemently against them, while others adamantly insist that people shouldn’t play without a safe word.

A ‘safe word’ is a word assigned to a bottom in a BDSM play session. This word is meant to be used if the bottom wants something in the scene to stop, for whatever reason, and, as such, should be a word that the bottom wouldn’t normally use while playing.

Once a safe word is spoken, everything should stop until the bottom’s issue is resolved (or completely if the bottom has reached their limit). A safe word, when used during a scene, should never, ever be ignored. A person should never be coerced into going beyond their safe word if they’re not comfortable with that. And a person should never feel ashamed or embarrassed for using their safe word.

Anything can be a safe word. Some people come up with the most ridiculous word they can think of, while others use what’s called the ‘stoplight’ system.

As you would expect, with the stoplight system, green means, “Things are good! Keep going!” Yellow means “I don’t necessarily want to stop, but something’s off.” And red means, “For the love of God, stop what you’re doing right the fuck now.” Read more…

NS(K)Q: Q41 – What’s the difference?

November 20th, 2014 2 comments

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 41:

What’s the difference between a submissive and a slave?

There was an article floating around somewhere that said, “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.” That sums it up quite nicely.

There are three main labels, for lack of a better word, used to identify those of us who enjoy being the one tied up and spanked. They are “bottom,” “submissive,” and “slave.” These days, “submissive” and “bottom” each have two meanings, really. They’re both used as a heading to describe all bottom-types in BDSM relationships, some folks feeling like “bottom” is a better heading because not all bottoms are submissive. They also each have their own definition.

Everyone defines these labels differently based on their own experience and relationships. But this is how I understand them: Read more…

No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 25 – Titles

February 12th, 2014 1 comment

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 25:

I don’t get it. I mean, I get some of it. But explain those titles to me. You can’t possibly mean what you’re saying…can you? Are slaves really…slaves?

Okay, I’m gonna go with the most basic titles, since the rest you’ll hear are generally just variations of these.

These are the most basic, vague definitions of the most used terms in BDSM circles. Let’s start with the switch… Read more…

NS(K)Q: Q24 – How to Tell When No Means No

February 1st, 2014 2 comments

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 24:

I’ve recently become involved with a submissive who has a habit of saying “no” when they really mean “yes”. A couple of times, I’ve backed off because they said no, and they got upset because they expected me to know they didn’t mean it. I’m kind of concerned because this could just as easily go the other way, and then I’m an accidental rapist because I haven’t learned how to read them, yet. I’d really like to avoid this. How do I know they’re saying no and mean it?

First, let me commend you for addressing this before you become an accidental rapist. A lot of people, these days, are “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” people, and in this case, that’s no good. Especially when one considers the fact that, in some cases, consent is the only thing standing between BDSM and assault.

You can go a couple ways with this, depending on the dynamic and boundaries of your relationship, and you and your partner’s wants and needs. So here’s my question.

Do you enjoy playing with consensual-nonconsent? That is, when your partner says, “no,” and doesn’t actually mean it, does it get you off to push beyond that no? Read more…