Home > No Stupid (Kink) Questions > No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 26 – A Master’s Boundaries

No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 26 – A Master’s Boundaries

February 28th, 2014

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 26:

I recently spoke with a couple in a master and slave relationship. The master had overstepped his boundaries within the relationship and the slave spoke her mind about how the situation made her feel. She was quickly silenced by being told that her feelings don’t matter because she is a slave, even though that was never part of the arrangement. He then proceeded to punish and belittle his slave over speaking up about her feelings. How should a situation like this be handled?

First, let me say that it’s really difficult, as a slave, to give advice in a situation like this because a) I don’t know much about their relationship dynamic, and b) I don’t want to step on any dominant toes. However…it sounds to me like this woman needs someone to nip this in the bud quick before she allows herself to become a doormat (if that’s not something she wants), and this situation slips from a misunderstanding to outright abuse. And pretty much the dom and his delicate little feelers can go fuck themselves in that case. I don’t condone non-consensual abuse, no matter who the abuser is. =D

Obviously, the slave and the master in this relationship have very different ideas about the definition of consensual slavery. Sadly, it sounds to me like they didn’t do anywhere near enough talking and negotiating before she accepted his collar. This happens a lot. People think about the fun side, and don’t consider (or sometimes even know) what could happen if they don’t cover all their bases.

Unfortunately, it also sounds like he’s more interested in having a punching bag than a person serving him, and that’s kinda fucked up. But let’s give him the benefit of doubt, and continue to call this a “misunderstanding”.

In my relationship, my feelings don’t matter, in the grand scheme of things. M could absolutely do what this guy did, and I’d just have to deal. This is something he and I discussed (over and over and over and over and…), and agreed upon. In our relationship, he has full control, and it is my place to follow his lead in all things.

M’s not an asshole, though. He cares what I think and feel. Not just because he loves me, but also because he’s a firm believer that his property will perform better if it’s well cared for.

And isn’t this true of all things? Your computer’s not gonna work anymore if you dump water on the motherboard. Your car’s not going to work anymore if you pour sugar in the gas tank. Your horse isn’t gonna carry you anymore if, every time you take it out, you beat it within an inch of its life. Why should humans be any different?

So if I feel like M’s doing something that is outside of the parameters of my understanding of our relationship, he wants to know about it. Especially since that covers so very little in our case. He also wants to know if something he does bothers me; even if it’s something he’s allowed, per our agreement, to do. That doesn’t always mean he’ll agree with me, and apologize or correct his behavior. Sometimes, he’ll tell me tough. Sometimes, he’ll remind me that I’m the slave, and he can do whatever he wants. But I gave him that right, expressly and with enthusiasm.

It doesn’t sound like this is the case, though, with the couple you spoke to. In their case, he’s actually stepping outside the boundaries they did set. From where I sit, by doing this, he’s negating their agreement, which may have began as a mistake. But I feel like his assertion that her feelings about their agreed upon boundaries don’t matter brings him dangerously close to…no, fuck that. This guy’s taken a flying leap over the line into the realm of abuse.

It’s consensual slavery. That means he doesn’t get to own her and do whatever he wants. He gets to own her and do whatever he wants within the parameters of their relationship. And with ownership, comes the responsibility of protecting and nurturing your property. This includes listening to them when they feel like you’re betraying that responsibility.

If he realizes he’s wrong, and they both want to work on it, then really, they should go back to the beginning. Take off the collar, take a step back, discuss what each of them is looking for in this relationship, and then decide where to go from there.

If he’s not willing to do this—if he’s not willing to even consider he may have overstepped his bounds—then it’s time to run. Far and fast.

I realize that sounds dramatic, but that’s my abusive ex in a nutshell. A dude who felt he had the right to control everything in my life, and wouldn’t even consider the idea that he may have overstepped his bounds.

  1. February 28th, 2014 at 19:08 | #1

    You hit the nail on the head! I thank you for taking the time to write this! <3

  2. March 1st, 2014 at 11:38 | #2

    @ Heaven His record?

    I didn’t mean that there were no boundaries…just that the two of you obviously have different opinions of what to expect from an M/s relationship. This is not bad or wrong, just an obvious disconnect. However, like I said, when he refused to listen to you, it developed beyond misunderstanding. I’m glad you got away from him, and I’m sorry you had to go through this.

    Silver lining? Lesson learned. I mean, you’ll be sure to bring this up in future relationships, right?

    Please feel free to come to me with any questions or concerns you have down the road. 🙂

  3. Camryn
    March 28th, 2014 at 13:56 | #3

    Ugh. It bothers me when abusive people get wind of BDSM and think, “Hey, this is great! I can do whatever I want!” Umm, no. Consent and trust is at the core of this stuff. Abuse is not what it’s about.

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