Home > No Stupid (Kink) Questions > No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 21 – Do I have to be owned to be a slave?

No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 21 – Do I have to be owned to be a slave?

December 30th, 2013

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 21:

I identify as a slave. I’m not currently owned, and have never been, but it’s something I know I want for my future. Thing is, I was talking it over with my kinky friends, and they say I can’t be a slave because I’m not owned. Is this true?

My opinion on this isn’t always a popular one. That’s the case with so many of my opinions. I wonder what that means. Anyway, take it with a grain of salt if it doesn’t fit your lifestyle and needs. I’m just some chick on the internet. What I think’s got no bearing on who you are.

That said…

I’m sorry, but you cannot be a slave if you are not owned. Here’s why:

The definition of slave, according to Google, is, “a person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them.” This is how I define “slave”, too, with one major difference when referring to slaves of the BDSM sort. Because you can’t be the legal property of another, even if you give your consent. It’s illegal in all 50 states.

Generally speaking, my definition goes, “a person who has consensually given their will and their person over to another.” Of course, this is just my opinion. “Slave” is defined differently from couple to couple.

For example, one woman I know considers herself a slave, but she only has to obey her partner in the bedroom. She has full autonomy otherwise. A man I know has a safe word, and can refuse to do things he’s ordered to do by his dominant, but he identifies as a slave. And then there are those like me, who are supposed to obey in all things but haven’t quite mastered that little bit of themselves that rebels against all authority.

Can you identify as a slave? Yes. But if it were me, because I’m anal about the definitions of words, I would identify as a submissive with slave-like tendencies, meaning that I want to be owned, but am not currently.

But like I said, I’m just some chick on the internet. Call yourself what you want to call yourself and tell me and your kinky friends to stuff it. That’s how I roll.

  1. Camryn
    December 31st, 2013 at 07:49 | #1

    This is a really interesting question. I always wondered this about guys online saying they’re Masters or Dominants (as their titles) looking for slaves and submissives (always lowercase interestingly). I figured you needed the two (or more) parties to enter into an agreement before either had an actual title. I mean, I like being dominant, but I don’t go around calling myself “Mistress” since that’s not the role my partner and I agreed I would play.
    Like you though, I’m just choosy about words. I have no intentions of telling them how to identify themselves, so
    I like how you approached this. “I have an opinion, but what do I know?” *laughs*

  2. December 31st, 2013 at 10:21 | #2

    @ Camryn You just gave me, like, 3 more NSKQ topics. Lol.

    In their purist forms, “submissive” and “dominant” are actually personality traits, not titles (which I know you know), but we’ve assumed them as titles for clarity’s sake. When it comes right down to it, there’s really no good way to describe our identities. They all can be misconstrued. I’ve had people freak out because I wasn’t sure of their dynamic so I called them a top or bottom instead of master, mistress, dominant, submissive, slave, blah. The whole thing can get quite ridiculous.

    Thanks for the comment. 🙂

  3. Camryn
    December 31st, 2013 at 12:14 | #3

    @ Rayne Millaray
    I’m really glad you said that, because I would love to read more on the naming game. It seems complicated from what little I know.
    Wow, really? I understand that it’s important, but yikes. Now I’m really looking forward to reading about it!
    You’re welcome. ^_^

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