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The Right to Expectations

February 16th, 2010

Touch of Frosti was going to write a long in-depth post about how i’ve grappled and finally come to terms with the concept of fairness and how it does not apply to how He has determined we live our lives.

Then said fuckit  i’m tired.

So instead, i will regale you with a tale of the most pathetic slave ever, who was so isolated and restricted that she nearly wet herself with joy when her owner announced they were going into town to shop. The Man is probably patting Himself on the back as He reads this.

The stomach flu decimated the house from Thursday through Saturday. Saturday He had planned to go into town and get the few groceries we needed plus some essential household stuff. Because He was planning on using the card i am NOT on (which are all of them except the bank account) i could not go for Him. So we pushed off until Sunday, tried getting out Sunday morning. Got stuck in the drive. Tried shoveling out/pushing out. Said fuckit. Ate lunch, put kids down for naps.

i have to say at this point, i was pretty sure that He was going to go in alone in the afternoon while the kids napped. i was really bummed, because that would have meant that i wouldn’t leave for another week, making it 9 or 10 days between trips out of the house. Actually, i wasn’t bummed, i was crushed. i wanted to get out, i wanted to see the town, wanted to move and see more than 8 foot snow drifts and the wide expanse of snowcrusted horizon. i wanted to feel like i wasn’t the only person alive. And it was slipping away from me. Instead of being all put out and getting recalcitrant, i was the wind or the river. i bent. i acquiesced.  For some reason, this encouraged Him to want to take me out. To reward for me erasing my own expectations.

So we went out. i had a blast. He even took us all to a fast food joint so i didn’t have to cook supper in a rush at home! At least it was a fast food joint that makes it easier to eat healthily. 🙂

i guess that was a lesson to me, but i didn’t learn it until today while joking with rayne about being so pathetic that a trip to Walmart makes me wag my tail at the door.

When i have expectations of what is fair, what is due to me, that sets me up to be hurt, disappointed, lectured and/or punished. How can a slave have the right to expect anything, when all that she is given is dependent on her owner? Is that not setting a limit, in a way? It was when i realized that i was expecting Him to take me, and finally let that go, that i could truly enjoy the occasion.

When you lower your expectations, or just give them up, you aren’t disappointed nearly as much.

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