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Who am I?

November 12th, 2009 15 comments

SelfPortraitStandard procedure in most addiction treatment centers or mental health units is to have the patients use some art medium to create a self-portrait or show how they’re feeling.  In the year and a half that the ATCs and MHUs were a revolving door for me, I made no less than six self-portraits and twenty-two drawings and paintings showing how I felt.  Some were more extravagant than others.  Some more confused.  And you can definitely tell where my mind was when I did them.

I only kept one.  I’m not sure where it is, now.  Probably in a box somewhere, if I didn’t throw it away when we moved this last time.  The therapist told us to draw a picture showing who we are.  And almost nine years later, what I drew is still ridiculously fresh in my mind.

First, I drew an outline of some random chick’s head.  And for some reason, I cut her completely in half.  Not with a line or a pair of scissors.  Just with the way I drew her.

On one side, she looked mostly normal.  Scattered among the facial features were a few flaws: A gun, some pills, a tangled mess of an accident.  But she had normal hair the same color as mine, a big blue eye and half a nose.

The therapist asked me what kind of mouth I was going to give her.  And I shrugged before drawing half a mouth showing no expression and then a broken heart on the other side.  I drew headstones for her other eye with tears and blood falling from them.

I drew snakes coming out the other half of her head.  Four living babies and two dead, some boxing gloves, a couple bottles of booze.  A couple joints, a pack of cigarettes and… I remember drawing this ginormous red circle with a line through it over something.  But I don’t remember what it was.

I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life and couldn’t fit it all on one piece of poster board.  So I drew what felt important.  Then I sat back and stared at it for a moment.  And I wondered if this really was who I am.   Read more…

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