Posts Tagged ‘sensuality’

As luck would have it, I’m the luckiest slave alive.

September 26th, 2009 2 comments

One of the subjects you most often see discussed on kink blogs and forums is how hard it is to deal with certain parts of whatever life the author has chosen.  Things they could definitely do without.  And I’m no different.  I talk about the hard parts a lot.

I sometimes leave out the things that are really difficult for me.  I don’t even make clear just how hard they are to Master.  Because I feel like telling Him “I wish you’d do this more.” is enough.  He doesn’t need to know how badly I want it to make His decision.  All He needs to know is that I want it.  So making clear how badly I want it feels like manipulation to me.

I’m probably totally off base, though.  I usually am.

I’ve always been an affectionate slut with an oral fixation.  I’ve never been completely disheartened by my partners not wanting to go down on me.  I’m ridiculously self-conscious about my nether regions.  That I let them put their cocks in me was more than they had any right to expect from me.  And I can count on one hand the number of men (out of over thirty) who had a problem with that.  Because I tend to seek out the controlling, self-centered, selfish type.

But I love to feel hot hands and wet mouths and soft tongues all over my skin just as much as the next person.

Master loves to touch but He doesn’t have much of an oral fixation.  Matter of fact, it could be accurately described as nonexistent.  Add to His lack of interest the fact that I tend to piss Him off a LOT, and His belief that putting your mouth on someone is, in some respects, a submissive act (service, if you will), and you can probably guess how many times I’ve laid on the bed while He ravaged my body with His mouth.

For a while, that hurt.  And I think it added to my interest in putting my mouth on Him rapidly decreasing in the beginning of our relationship.  It’s only just recently started to get better.  I’m very much in the habit of “punishing” my partner for not fulfilling my needs.  So if you’re not gonna put your mouth on me, why the fuck should I put my mouth on you? Sans orders, that is.   Read more…

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Puppy Training, Sexy Stuff and Quiet Guidance

August 22nd, 2009 Comments off

There’s something very different about this round of training.  I feel Him watching me.  Waiting.  Wanting to see which way I’ll go.  Letting me lead so long as I stay on the path.  And that’s just fucking bizarre.

When we play, He often watches me while I do horrible, mean things to myself.  I beg to be beaten, and He indulges, but it’s rare that He initiates the whipping.  And His guidance is quiet.  Controlled.  Firm.

The other day we were… I don’t want to say arguing, because we weren’t really, but we were having a heated discussion at least.  I don’t remember what about.  Maybe it was the day I inadvertently called Him a Nazi.  I don’t remember.  But He said, “And you’re in training.”  And I sort of blinked at Him.

I am? Since when? I mean, I know we said I was going to be.  But where? Where is it?

So I started going over the days in my mind.  He’s not training me.  I haven’t been punished once.

But as I thought about it, I realized He has.  He’s just being less Ramboish about it.  Instead of plunging headlong into the unknown, guns blazing, He’s sort of plodding along, slowly and steadily, the reins loose in His hands, adjusting my direction with a gentle tug here and there.

This search for my intimacy and sensuality thing was my idea.  And He is content to sit back and see where it takes us.  I may be a slave, and I may be owned, but being so closed off has begun to hurt.  I don’t want it anymore.  I want to be close to someone.  To feel close to someone.  To feel close to Him.

So our Treasure Trove Gift Tin came in yesterday.  I thought it was a kickass end to a hella stressful day.

Master had a huge meeting in the afternoon.  And being the worrywarts we are, we panicked all day about it.  It went fine, as it always does.  But we were completely wiped by the time He got home. Read more…

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Increasing Intimacy

August 18th, 2009 Comments off

So I have trouble with intimacy.  No, really! I do!

Shut up.

I have trouble with intimacy and it seems like everyone knew it but me.

I should have known it.  Master’s been pointing it out since damn near day one.  My various therapists and psychiatrists used to ask me about it constantly.  And friends always act surprised when I touch them.  Even accidentally.

I think I assumed since I really, really like sex I couldn’t possibly have problems with intimacy.  But, I guess if I’m to look at it honestly, how I view sex, in and of itself, could be considered a coping mechanism.  A way to still participate in something I thoroughly enjoy without getting all squicked out by that whole intimacy thing.

Have I even mentioned that, for me, sex is sex? There is no intimacy or emotion involved in sex for me.  The only exception, ever, has been with Master.  And even then, if I feel like I have to, I can shut it off.

Like when His sadism travels down the emotional road.  I can snip that invisible cord that attaches my heart to our sexcapades and reattach it at will.  That’s probably a good thing.  And it’s definitely something He’s worked hard at developing.

In an attempt to increase the sensuality in our sex life and decrease the amount of trouble I have with intimacy, I’ve been spending a lot of time going through sensual products at Eden Fantasys because I had a $50 gift card there burning a hole in my pocket.  It now has $0.02 left on it.

I’ve been eying the Treasure Trove Gift Tin in Strawberries and Champagne by Kama Sutra since I worked at The Earth Shop seven years ago.  We sold it there but the price was outrageous.  Something crazy like $70.

Back then, I wasn’t sure Master would go for it.  And definitely not on His dime when He wasn’t even sure He’d be interested and we were strapped for cash.  So I didn’t even broach the subject.

Lately, though, we’ve been putting a lot of focus on me being more intimate.  Not forced intimacy or anything like that.  But, you know… Little things that make me more comfortable being intimate.

Like the other night when He just, for no reason at all, turned and hugged me.  That was pretty cool.  Or how, when we’re playing, He’ll be sure to stroke my back or thighs or butt or even just kiss me or hold me.  He stopped doing that for a while.  Course, I stopped behaving at all for a while so I’m not sure I blame Him.

So this weekend and last we discussed things we could buy and/or I could request for review that would help bring me out of my shell.  That would help bring us back together.  That would get us both back into a less frantic, less rushed, less violent frame of mind.  I think if we could bludgeon each other to death without actually harming each other we’d have done it ten times over in the past few months.

I put together a small list of items I’m really excited to try.  We bought some of them.  The others will wait for another day and another gift card.  I’ll keep ya posted on how it works out.

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