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Posts Tagged ‘relationship dynamic’

NS(K)Q: Q60 – Poly Valentine’s Day

February 12th, 2016 Comments off

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 60:

I’ve been collared by my dom for almost a year, now. This is our first Valentine’s Day together. We’ve been poly since day one, and both of us were poly before we met because neither of us really enjoys monogamy. Until recently, though, neither of us was seeing anyone else.

Now we both have secondary partners, but have agreed that our relationship with each other comes first. And then he made plans for Valentine’s Day with his girlfriend without consulting me. I wouldn’t mind, except it appears that she’s managed to figure out a way to monopolize the entire day, rather than share it with me, and my dom is all, “First come, first serve, Jellybean.” I made plans with my girlfriend, too, but they were only for a small part of the day, as I figured my dom would want to spend some time with me on Valentine’s Day. I guess I was wrong.

I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling snubbed and unwanted, and I keep thinking…if he likes her so much more, why doesn’t he just go be with her? I’ve never been in a poly relationship like this, where the girlfriend intentionally tried to push me out. Can you help me?

I’ll do my best with what information I have.

So if it were me, I’d be reacting very similarly. I understand the snubbed and unwanted feeling. It can be hard to share special days with your partner’s other partners, and doubly so since this is your first Valentine’s Day together. Read more…

NS(K)Q: Q59 – She’s pushing my hard limits.

February 5th, 2016 Comments off

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 59:

I have this one unusual hard limit. I bring it up with every single person I intend to have sex with, whether or not I expect kink to enter the equation. It’s really silly. Most people laugh when I mention it. But I am firm on it. I just can’t do it.

Recently, my relationship dynamic has gone from play partner to full-time submissive. I was very clear that my hard limits stayed the same, but my mistress keeps pushing. She says that if I’m to be hers, I need to trust her to push my boundaries. It’s making me uncomfortable. What should I do?

A hard limit is a hard limit is a hard limit. It doesn’t matter how silly other people think your hard limit is. All that matters is you don’t want to do it.

It’s frustrating to me that your mistress used the old “trust me to push your boundaries” line, because in a sense, she’s right. You should be able to trust her to push your boundaries. But that’s not on you. That’s on her. She has to be a trustworthy dominant if you’re going to trust her. Read more…

Kintionary: Gor

February 4th, 2016 Comments off

Tarnsman_of_gor_vallejo_coverIn a series of fictional novels written by John Norman, there exists a spaceship, of sorts, that is of similar shape, size, and climate to planet Earth. That ship is called Gor, or Counter-Earth.

Gor is said to orbit the sun in such a way that makes it invisible to those who inhabit Earth. This allows the creatures controlling Gor (Priest-Kings) and the humans who inhabit Gor to abduct people from Earth and force them into slavery. Generally speaking, the people abducted are female, and the slavery is sexual in nature.

From this series, an almost cultish fandom has formed, inspiring internet chatrooms, Second Life worlds, relationship dynamics, and even whole communities of people who choose to apply Gorean philosophies and customs to their real lives.

For some, the Gorean lifestyle is simply role-play; a way to scratch an itch (the master/slave relationship or sexual dynamic) they don’t feel comfortable scratching as themselves. For others, Gor is a way of life.

Got a suggestion for our Kinktionary? Leave it in comments or email it to rayne@insatiabledesire.com with “Kinktionary” in the subject!

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Kintionary: Pleasure Slave

September 11th, 2015 Comments off

Enjoying myselfA pleasure slave is a person (Person A) who has agreed to bring another person (Person B) as much pleasure as Person B allows, requests, or requires. Though often sex is a large part of this particular type of power exchange, pleasure slavery is not always limited to sexual pleasure.

Some other roles pleasure slaves play:

  • secretary,
  • sex toy
  • devotee
  • go-fer
  • housemaid
  • personal chef
  • foot stool
  • punching bag
  • masseuse
  • toilet
  • ash tray
  • dollie
  • horse
  • pack mule
  • mechanic
  • handyperson
  • plumber
  • entertainment
  • researcher
  • pet
  • companion
  • friend
  • dance partner
  • spouse
  • partner in crime

Got a suggestion for our Kinktionary? Leave it in comments or email it to rayne@insatiabledesire.com with “Kinktionary” in the subject!

Kinktionary: Punishment

September 4th, 2015 Comments off

BartSimpsonPunishment in BDSM isn’t all that different from punishment in vanilla life. In both, punishment is a penalty for breaking the rules or being disrespectful.

Generally speaking, punishment is used by the top in the relationship to correct the behavior of the bottom in the relationship. Each top uses different methods. Some choose to base the punishment on the crime (corner time for acting like a child, licking soap for being a smart mouth). Some use methods once used in schools (writing lines or essays, wearing a dunce cap or a sign that says what they did wrong at play parties or events). Some restrict privileges or assign menial tasks (taking away TV time, cleaning the neighbor’s dog kennel). Some use corporal punishment (spanking, kneeling on rice). And some use a combination of all of these.

Not all D/s relationships have a set punishment dynamic. In fact, some don’t use punishment at all. Some things to consider in making this decision are how much control the submissive is willing to give over to the dominant, what kind of relationship dynamic the couple agrees upon, and whether or not the couple feels a punishment dynamic is necessary or effective.

Some people do use punishment as a form of play. A ‘bratty’ submissive will intentionally break rules or be disrespectful to garner punishment from their dominant. This is often referred to as ‘funishment’ by couples who use punishment as a corrective tool.

Got a suggestion for our Kinktionary? Leave it in comments or email it to rayne@insatiabledesire.com with “Kinktionary” in the subject!

NS(K)Q: Q53 – I didn’t do it.

July 31st, 2015 Comments off

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 53:

I don’t want to go into all the details, but basically I got in trouble for something I didn’t do. He’s waiting for the next time we see each other to punish me. I don’t know what to do. Help?

That really sucks. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

This is a tough question to answer because I don’t know what your relationship dynamic is like. Each relationship is different, and each has a different way of dealing with situations like this.

Do you have a contract with your dominant? Many people feel they’re unnecessary, but one of the reasons for writing a contract is to delineate what happens in situations such as these. It’s very important that a submissive know what their recourse is if the relationship veers off into the weeds somehow. I mean, even kinky couples have problems. Problems are just part of life. Read more…