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Posts Tagged ‘rape’

NS(K)Q: Q65 – Can a slave be sexually assaulted? (TW)

April 15th, 2016 Comments off

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 65:

A friend of mine says she was raped by her owner. She says she didn’t want to have sex, so she told him she didn’t want to have sex, and he tied her down and had sex with her anyway.

When she brought it up to someone she trusted within their munch group, they told her that she wasn’t raped. They said a slave isn’t allowed to say no or revoke consent, and her owner had the right to do whatever he wanted.

Are they right? Can a slave say no? Can a master/slave dynamic exist once the slave revokes consent? Can a slave be raped? Should my friend be going to the police?

Legally, anyone can say no any time they want. Read more…

On Labeling A Stranger An Abuser

June 19th, 2014 Comments off

So the other day, I was reading a post about exes. I don’t remember whose. Maybe it was Stella Kink?

In any case, it discussed that unwritten code that says dating your friend’s ex is bad, mmkay? And it delves into the way this is often handled in the BDSM community. I don’t know from personal experience, but according to the post I read, and according to the people I’ve spoken with in the BDSM community, a lot of people actually recommend their exes to others if they feel they’d be a good match.

This makes sense. Something that’s often suggested to submissives (and dominants and switches, too, by the folks who understand that submissives aren’t the only ones who need protection) is finding “references” for any dominants they’re interested in beginning a relationship with. And apparently, a lot of BDSM relationships end amicably and for reasons that are not reflections of the personalities and morals of the people involved. Read more…

Categories: Rayne Tags:

BDSM v. Sexual Assault: A Survivor’s Perspective

May 11th, 2013 1 comment
We got married here...pre-newspaper and graffiti, of course. Click to enlarge.

We got married here…pre-newspaper and graffiti, of course. Click to enlarge.

If you’re a new reader, there are three things you’ll learn very quickly by reading my posts on this site.

  1. I am a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence.
  2. I am the property in a consensual 24/7 consent-to-nonconsent owner/property relationship. (like how I made sure to get “consent” in there twice?)
  3. I work in the adult industry.

People often ask me how well those last two things play with the first one. It seems like they wouldn’t play well together at all, though a common stereotype is that survivors seek out BDSM and the adult industry because something inside them is “broken”.

I don’t know anything about that. I’ll admit, most of the submissives I know have suffered some form of abuse. But I know a lot who haven’t. And I know a lot who were masochists and/or craved control long before the abuse started. I, myself, decided I wanted to strip my way through Harvard before any of the sexual abuse started, and pain has always been a turn on for me even before it was incorporated into anything sexual with another person, consensual or not.  Read more…

Categories: Rayne Tags:

“All men are potential rapists” breeds fear and mistrust. Not caution.

January 31st, 2010 23 comments

Okay enough of this passive-aggressive, “commenting on this phrase without really saying what I feel” bullshit.  This post might be offensive.  It might cost me readers.  But to be perfectly honest, I don’t care.  I’m not tiptoeing around this shit anymore.  If you can’t handle my opinion, belly up to the bar and put your money where your mouth is.  Cause this “Women should be paranoid.” shit is driving me up a fucking wall.

Women, and especially victims, have enough issues to deal with without fearing every known or unknown man in their lives.

To be perfectly honest with you, I’ve lost count of how many times I was raped.  My ex used to rape me any time I wasn’t interested in sex.  I was almost raped by a stranger I took a ride from, but I managed to escape.  A couple Johns who didn’t want to pay.  My fiance’s roommate when I stopped by his house to give him a ride to pick up his prescription on Halloween.

I was never really afraid.  Somehow, I knew I’d get through it mostly unharmed.  And I always did.  Mentally and physically.  I maybe spent one or two days moping, and then I picked myself up, shook it off and moved on with my life.

No group sessions, or rape counselors, or repeating over and over exactly what happened to anyone who would listen.  Matter of fact, there are quite a few things no one, except me and the people who did them to me, knows about.  Not because I’ve blocked them out or haven’t dealt with them.  But because I don’t see the point in sharing them.  I don’t need a “poor baby”, or a pat on the back, or someone to understand me, or empathize with me, or tell me they know what I’m going through.  I’ve been getting along just fine without any of that, and I plan to continue to get along just fine without it.

At least half of the times I was raped were my own fault.  You’re god damn right, that’s victim blaming.  Because the victim is partially to blame in my case.  Because I intentionally put myself in harm’s way.  I got in cars with strangers in bad neighborhoods, and went home alone with shady characters, and went to parties that I knew would only have one or two other girls there, and stayed with a man who I knew would have let me walk away if I wanted to without lifting a finger to me or his children.  Probably would have even sent me away with body guards if I asked him to.  Though that’s mostly cause then he could keep tabs on me.

I completely agree we should be teaching victims caution.  But teaching them to fear every man?  Read more…

C/NC, Ethics, Morals and the Law

January 20th, 2010 Comments off

So last time I posted, the subject of consent, or lack of was brought up. There was a comment in kitti’s post that prompted a little thought to which I responded, but then on later reflection I decided there is a lot more to it, that part where real life gets in the way and tries to bite c/nc on the nose. So for those of you who haven’t read that post and its comments, please do so as the quotes I intend to use here are very snipped and really need the full flavour of the post and all its comments to be appreciated.

Britni talked about rape within a c/nc relationship, and how she thought that the prior consent made rape impossible, that any forced sex would be “rape”. I responded with “I won’t “rape her”, I will rape her without the quote marks” Britni said “Therefore, it’s not rape, because there *is* consent in some way. “Rape.” Not rape”

Now if we leave the whole issue of whether or not she gave me blanket or open consent to indulge in c/nc acts aside we are still left with a bit of a dilemma.

Firstly the legal aspects they are pretty straightforward. The moment she says “no” then there is no consent, any previous desires or agreements about prior consent are null and void. The first time she said “please don’t hit me again” I was legally in trouble, regardless of every word she had written about c/nc in messages to me. Simply put legally she can change her mind. Could the same not be argued on moral and ethical grounds? Can she not wake up one morning and decide she no longer wants to be my property, punchbag or even scrub my back in the shower?

Now for the part where it gets tricky, the morality and ethics.  Lets look at a promise of c/nc from the s-type as being akin to wedding vows. These are promises, ones nominally intended to last a life time. People however still get divorced, they change their mind. Even within the kink community we have seen countless “property of master_x eternally” type statements, but still these relationships end. By ignoring her when she asks me to stop, I am holding her to my ethical standards of how binding a promise should be (even if she didn’t actually make such a promise). She may really want me to stop, may even want to run out the door screaming and naked into the arms of a cop.

Some folks bow to ethical and moral standards by way of a safeword. Good for them, if it is a method of appeasing their conscience  that works for them. It may even hold a little weight legally too, given a sympathetic bench or prosecution team. In many places the legal aspects are very dangerous, certainly here where I reside there is no need for a complaint, never mind the pressing of charges or appearance in court of any “victim”. The legal community can mount a full prosecution on their own without the victim getting involved, or even having a say.

Legally, ethically, morally, all the terms, c/nc, blanket or open consent are worthless. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, all those lovely words are at best promises of intent much the same as “til death do us part”. Imagine that wedding, followed by a divorce where one party contests by way of  “you promised for ever”. C/NC is a rather silly idea, it is consent pure and simple.  It matters not if you choose the label c/nc, blanket consent, open consent, whatever. Consent can be withdrawn, it is purely up to whoever is in charge in the relationship as to how much notice is taken of any withdrawal. For us continuing consent is treated much as it was during what passed for negotiation, its a non-issue. If she tries to withdraw that nominal consent, I shall drag her back and deal with her as I see fit, regardless of whether she still consents or not. I hold her to my my moral standards of a promise is forever, her morality on the subject is of no concern.

But, You Said This Was Okay!

December 15th, 2009 4 comments

Being up with the storm outside sucks.  Really, it does.  I would love to sleep.  And in my insomnia mixed with fear of the storm, I was browsing Fetlife.  This is ALWAYS a smart idea at 12:45 in the morning.  I came across a thread that struck my fancy because of the fact that it is absolutely absurd.  The topic is sensitive and the play is acceptable in our circle, but the question that was posed was just ludicrous.

The topic involved a liability waiver for a rape scene.  The need for such a waiver would be to cover the play rapists ass in case the play victim loses his/her shit and decides to call rape on the “rapist.”  In the ideal world, this would be great.  Going to court and proving that you did not rape her because she signed a waiver saying that she consented to being raped will get you off without more than a slap on the wrist.

Wrong.

In the real world, this is what happens.  You take it too far.  Your partner absolutely loses his/her mind.  He/She says that everything is fine and upon leaving goes to the police and reports rape.  You are approached by the police and asked if this happened and if you raped him/her.  You say that you indeed did rape her because she signed a contract.  The police arrest you.  You go to court.  The judge sends you to jail and you get raped without a waiver by a big man named Bubba.

The fact is that even with a waiver, you aren’t safe in any instance.  If you pursue this type of play, or any play for that matter, in the world of BDSM, you should be highly familiar with your partner.  If you have any doubt in your mind to the mental capacity or state of your partner, you should use your common sense and not pursue play.  The only thing a waiver is going to do is give you a false sense of security that if something goes horribly wrong, your ass is safe.  It is not and never will be.

People need to use more common sense and not depend on paper and pen to say “hey, she signed her name in blood so this is okay!”  Wrong.

Moral of the story: Know your partner and if you have any doubts, do not pursue.

Categories: Sojourners Tags: