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Posts Tagged ‘personal’

My Get Up and Go Got Up and Went

October 6th, 2017 1 comment

Motivation is a major problem for me. As in, I have 0 personal motivation to do anything. People look at my list of diagnoses (chronic clinical depression, severe anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder [BPD]), and go, “Well, duh,” but it’s really bothering me.

I’ve basically become a housewife. I don’t really work with/for anyone, anymore.

It’s partly because when I’m going through shit, I start dropping the ball, and instead of explaining myself to the people I work with, I mostly just stop talking to them. I’m sure they see me posting on social media, and think I’m fine, everything’s fine, I’m just blowing them off. But it’s not like that at all. In reality, I’m a mess, everything’s crazy1, and the only way I know how to cope is to retreat inside myself and shut everyone out but M. I know that’s crazy unprofessional, and I have no excuse besides mental illness. And in truth, I don’t think that should excuse my behavior. It wouldn’t in an actual work setting, so why should it anywhere else?

Of course, there are some exceptions, like the company I told I was going on hiatus right after their system changed. I lost my login info while on hiatus, so I asked them for help, and they told me they “forgot” how to get it, offered to direct me to a blogger, and then I never heard from them again outside of mass affiliate emails. It felt very much like I was being blown off, so I’ve since removed their banner from my sidebar. I haven’t removed their other links because I really liked working with them, and would love to again, but we’re in a serious money crunch, so if I’m going to promote sales again, it’s going to be for companies I can potentially make a commission from, and not one that won’t even help me figure out how to get into my affiliate account. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Read more…

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Memories

September 26th, 2016 Comments off

She was using my neck to brace herself. Brat.

She was using my neck to brace herself. Brat.

Ages ago (or, at least, it feels that way), a woman I thought I was friends with posted on her (now defunct) blog about how I didn’t know how she took her coffee, so I clearly didn’t know her.

She didn’t flat out say she was talking about me. It’s possible she even pretended she was talking about someone else. I can’t remember.

I do remember that, at the time, I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out who she was talking about. And I didn’t really care. I was wrapped up in my own personal drama (who isn’t?), and a rant about how a cup of coffee proves you don’t know someone wasn’t really at the top of my list of things to worry about.

There was a deeper message about how you can’t get to know a person by reading their blog which (maybe intentionally) completely erased all of the time we spent talking outside of our blogs, and the time we spent commiserating about our psychotic boss, and the amount of time I spent defending her to our psychotic boss (to my own detriment) to make sure she didn’t lose her job. Read more…

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Move to the Country, Change Your Life

September 12th, 2016 1 comment

This is about the amount of counter space I had at the old place. Here, it's about 1/3 of my counter space. I was able to do all my prep on another counter and still have room next to the stove for everything else. I fucking love this kitchen.

This is about the amount of counter space I had at the old place. Here, it’s about 1/3 of my counter space. I was able to do all my prep on another counter and still have room next to the stove for everything else. I fucking love this kitchen.

We’ve been making some pretty major lifestyle changes since the move.

That sounds like crazy talk, since we’ve only been here a week and five days. How can you make lifestyle changes in a week and five days? Will they even stick?

Some of them have been forced upon us by the move. Others are things we’ve wanted to change forever but haven’t had the mindset to do so.

And Schenectady is such an enabler.

The #SchenectadyDoesntSuck crowd will try to tell you that’s not true, but most of them don’t actually live in Schenectady. They live in the small outskirt towns, where the blight GE left in the wake of its mass exodus doesn’t quite reach. They only go into Schenectady to work in its offices that don’t generally employ native Schenectadians, or to enjoy Proctors, or to take advantage of Schenectady County Community College’s programs.

They’ve never watched in disgust while the news reported blatant lies about how the government and rich business owners are improving the neighborhood where they live. Read more…

The State of the Move

September 7th, 2016 3 comments

The view from our bedroom.

The view from our bedroom.

So today makes a week.

Last Wednesday, we were breaking our backs loading the U-Haul, trying to calm yowling cats on the ride in the U-Haul, unloading the U-Haul, and then dying.

Okay, so we didn’t die. But for a minute, it felt like we were going to.

My knees seem to be healing up nicely. After carrying boxes and furniture up a ramp, down a ramp, and up stairs, they felt like they were just going to snap. But they didn’t. And now, though the bad one (that has been “the bad one” since I woke up on the day of my 6th birthday skating party and couldn’t put any weight on it) is rather creaky, they’re mostly back to normal.

My hands, however, are not. The tips of my fingers have been pins and needles pretty much every minute since moving day. They start to feel normal if I just let them hang by my sides for an hour, but who has time for that? Definitely not this little gray duck. I mean, I live in this big, beautiful house, now, and it just demands that I clean it constantly because it would be a damn shame to let it get messy and be less beautiful.

I’ve never felt that way about a house before. Read more…

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I’m weird today.

August 10th, 2016 1 comment

Screen Shot 2016-08-05 at 10.12.52 AM

I mean, by society’s standards, I’m weird every day, but for me, I’m weird, today.

Example. Jenna Marbles is, by far, my favorite YouTuber. She has a new video up, and I know she has a new video up because it was the first notification I saw this morning, and yet she’s the only YouTube subscription I haven’t looked at today.

There’s no real reason. She hasn’t done or said anything to make me not want to watch her latest video. I just haven’t. Read more…

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The State of the Rayne

June 16th, 2016 Comments off

Screen Shot 2016-06-15 at 9.24.51 AM

I’ve come here three or four times to write this post, and every time, I leave with nothing but the title and the picture on the page. I don’t know what’s going on with me, lately, but the thought of writing here fills me with anxiety and dread. I have so many great ideas, and I’ve started 10 drafts in the last month, and they all sit not even half written in my draft folder. I get a couple paragraphs in, and the anxiety begins gnawing at the back of my mind.

Why do you bother? Nobody likes you. Nobody reads you. Everyone wishes you’d just go away.

My stats and the comments I receive say differently, but you know how anxiety and depression are. They lie. Constantly. About everything. They drag you into a mire of self-loathing that is so damn impossible to pull yourself out of.

I’ve been dealing with quite a bit of anxiety and depression that has absolutely nothing to do with the blog. I’ve been chalking it up to hormones, but then I realized that if that’s the case, I’m dealing with premenstrual anxiety and depression for a week before my period, I’m anxious and depressed for the week that I’m on my period, and then I deal with anxiety and depression aftershocks for an entire week after my period. So I’m getting 1 week a month of stability. And that’s only if my diagnosed issues aren’t flaring. Read more…

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