Posts Tagged ‘owner/property’

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I need a punishment dynamic.

July 16th, 2013 2 comments

IMG_2845-I can’t really wrap my head around this whole slavery thing, lately. I think it’s because there’s no real consequences for my actions. Which basically means I’m a giant douche. I mean, who does that? “I know what I’m supposed to do, and I want to do it, but I’m not going to do it because you won’t make me.”

I’m sure Master would say something to the effect of, “There’s no reason for consequences. You’re not doing anything wrong.”1 And I suppose that’s mostly true. I mean, I don’t defy him. I’m respectful unless I’m joking around. I don’t break rules. I stay on top of the chores when I’m not sick and I’m getting sleep (insomnia’s been kicking both our asses). I obey orders…eventually.

I’m doing this thing where he tells me to do something, and he doesn’t say I can wait (sometimes he’ll say “some time between 2 and 3, do this” or something, and other times, it’s just “do this”), but I sit here tapping away at my computer, anyway, and go do it when I feel like it. AND I’M NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING IMPORTANT. I mean, at least half of the time I’m writing, but the other half, I’m fucking around on Twitter, or talking to someone on Skype, or fucking around with the cats, or reading bullshit, or watching a video on YouTube. Read more…

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“You’re Mine”: My Definition of “Safety”

July 11th, 2013 1 comment

slaveI wake with his hand caressing my breast. This is not unusual, but my reaction to it is. I arch my back to more fully feel his palm against my nipple. There’s not a moment’s hesitation. No hitching of my breath as I wait for the anxiety to come. There is only his hand and my desire to enjoy it. And I breathe a sigh of relief before moaning softly.

“You’re mine,” Master says, as he pulls me into his arms. “You belong to me. Forever.”

Something inside me calms and I snuggle down into the mattress, pressing my forehead against his chest, enjoying the feeling of his hands gliding back and forth between each breast, toying with the nipples, owning them.

So many submissives say those words are an instant turn on for them. The possessiveness. The feeling of control. The fact that they are owned. And to an extent, they are for me, too. But there’s so much more to it than that.

There have been very few moments in my life during which I have felt truly safe. Not only because of the abuse I’ve suffered, but also because of my mental illness. Paranoia is a horrible thing. Especially when the things you’re paranoid about are rooted in reality—meaning that many of them have happened to me and could happen again, so they seem so real when I’m fretting over them.  Read more…

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BDSM v. Sexual Assault: A Survivor’s Perspective

May 11th, 2013 1 comment
We got married here...pre-newspaper and graffiti, of course. Click to enlarge.

We got married here…pre-newspaper and graffiti, of course. Click to enlarge.

If you’re a new reader, there are three things you’ll learn very quickly by reading my posts on this site.

  1. I am a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence.
  2. I am the property in a consensual 24/7 consent-to-nonconsent owner/property relationship. (like how I made sure to get “consent” in there twice?)
  3. I work in the adult industry.

People often ask me how well those last two things play with the first one. It seems like they wouldn’t play well together at all, though a common stereotype is that survivors seek out BDSM and the adult industry because something inside them is “broken”.

I don’t know anything about that. I’ll admit, most of the submissives I know have suffered some form of abuse. But I know a lot who haven’t. And I know a lot who were masochists and/or craved control long before the abuse started. I, myself, decided I wanted to strip my way through Harvard before any of the sexual abuse started, and pain has always been a turn on for me even before it was incorporated into anything sexual with another person, consensual or not.  Read more…

Updates: Hitting the Ground Running

March 21st, 2013 5 comments
Love is making funny faces at sunset.

Love is making funny faces at sunset.

My contract with EdenFantasys has been terminated.

I was going to drag the telling out. Do my typical “tell a story, then get to the point” thing. But I decided I don’t wanna. The situation is not deserving of my razmataz. It was relatively uneventful. They’re making cuts, and my name made the list.

It’s definitely for the best. Simply put, my vision for SexIs has never matched Fred’s. And since he owns the mag, his vision is all that matters. So he’ll continue to go his direction, and I won’t be along for the ride. If you’re wondering what direction that is, I’d suggest getting in touch with Fred, Gary, or CarrieAnn. I don’t have a clue.

I rewrote that paragraph a hundred times because I’m not interested in bad mouthing anyone. Though I have plenty to say, I’d prefer to keep it to myself. No reason to publicly air dirty laundry.

Aww, look! Rayne’s all growed up.  Read more…

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“Oh, by the way? In case it wasn’t clear, you’re back in slave mode.”

May 10th, 2012 2 comments

It struck me when he said it, but I brushed it off within days. You see, when there’s not much control to speak of for months (maybe a year?), I begin to get too big for my britches.

“Well, if he’s not going to hold up his end of the bargain, then why. the fuck. should I?”

Which reason would you like first?

Because nowhere in our agreement does it say, “If Master’s feeling like letting out the leash, you’re allowed to be a brat to get your way.”

Because we’ve discussed it over, and over, and over, and I’ve commented on forum thread, after forum thread, after forum thread about how it doesn’t matter how I behave when things are going exactly how I think they should go. It matters how I behave when he’s sick, or tired, or too busy to be constantly in my face about my slavery, or just doesn’t want to, or whatever.  Read more…

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I think he broke my poly bone.

April 29th, 2012 1 comment

I wonder if it’s connected to my bisexual bone?

Way back in the day, when M and me were just starting out, we met a buncha chicks and dabbled in a bit o’ polyamory. I got really freaked out for all the reasons most people get freaked out. Read more…

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