Posts Tagged ‘mental illness’


August 22nd, 2017 Comments off

I don’t handle confrontation well. Or communicating my wants/needs/emotions. This is not a secret.

I talk very logically about good communication in BDSM relationships all the time, but when it comes down to applying that in my own life, I often come up wanting.

It’s partly how I was raised. Growing up, my mother would try to get me to talk it out, but when she didn’t have the answers I was looking for, I’d get frustrated and shut down. My father’s response to any negative emotion was “walk it off.”

“Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve, Rayne,” he’d say. “You’re giving everyone all they need to mess with you.”

And I took it to heart and started doing my best to keep everything bottled inside.

I was already a good candidate for borderline personality disorder (BPD). Add in the stilted emotional development, and I was a shoe-in. Read more…

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If I can’t pull myself out, he’ll do it for me.

October 20th, 2015 3 comments

I’m diagnosed with Clinical Depression (among other things).

I stopped taking medication because to get to a point where I stopped having suicidal ideations, stopped feeling worthless, stopped feeling empty, I had to also stop feeling anything, stop having sex, stop being able to focus, continue to not be motivated to live. I was, in essence, a zombie. I wasn’t alive, but my body hadn’t had the curtesy to just stop living.

What’s the point of taking pills that are supposed to make you feel better if they really only make you a zombie?

I’m told mental health meds (and particularly those meant for depression and anxiety) have come a long way, and are less likely to affect a body that way, but I have a few friends who are currently running the gamut of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications and having the same results I did. Read more…

Ida’s Diary

October 13th, 2015 3 comments

Today I saw this: An Interview with Ida of ‘Ida’s Diary’, a New Film About Borderline Personality Disorder. I watched the short and it was a serious “aha!” moment. I started crying because seeing someone else going through and explaining things similar to what I deal with felt like having my heart ripped out and held before my eyes.

I haven’t seen the entire film, but I plan to rectify that as soon as possible.

I have so many things I want to say, but I’ve reached the point in my mental cycle where words feel like knives. I want to bury my head in a game, crank Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz, or Rob Thomas’s The Great Unknown, or Halestorm’s Into the Wild Life in my headphones, and tune out the world. Their words don’t feel like knives. Their words feel like hands soothing the ache in my stomach that I first noticed when I was four.

I avoid talking about my mental illness. With most everyone. And when it comes right down to it, it’s because…well, Ida said it herself. People don’t tell cancer patients to just pull themselves together. Read more…

It’s Personal: My Anger Problem

March 2nd, 2015 2 comments

Sometimes, I wish I had one of those blogs where I could just post any silly thing, and not feel like I was totally copping out.

Of course, these days, copping out and posting something stupid would be way better than what I do…which is not post.

Things are…you know that thing when you’re not necessarily unhappy, you’re just stressed the fuck out, and it feels like the whole world is against you, and no matter what you do, you get bullshit in return, so you just don’t do anything, and you still get bullshit in return, and the only reason you’re still loving life is the people and animals you spend every waking moment (and most of the sleeping ones, too, if only physically) with? That’s how things are.

I have an anger problem. Let’s just put that out there. Read more…

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In the News: #OrgasmQuest and the Dreaded Question

January 27th, 2015 2 comments

Screen Shot 2015-01-26 at 1.12.18 PM

tl;dr: The awesome Crista Anne is fighting depression with an #OrgasmQuest, and even Dr. Drew is intrigued.

That up there is an amazing lady named Crista Anne. She’s a mom of four. She wrestles with depression and social anxiety. She does battle with fibromyalgia and migraines. And though she has always been a very sexual creature, she finds herself on an orgasm quest to end anorgasmia.

Crista Anne was once described by sex educator Ashley Manta thusly:

“She was a vision in rainbow. Like Lisa Frank and Rainbow Brite had hot sex and Crista was the result.”

I can’t think of a better description. Read more…

Permission to Exist for Him

October 11th, 2013 1 comment

LuckyI realize this blog hasn’t been the kinkiest thing in the world lately. In fact, in some cases, it’s been down right dreary. I’m working through some shit, and writing is the best way for me to do that. And since it’s my blog, I’ll cry if I want to. Or something.

Tuesday was, in a word, sucky. I was just be-bopping along, and suddenly I was slammed with this overwhelming feeling of worthlessness.

When it comes right down to it, there are physical reasons for this happening, but that’s little comfort when all you keep hearing in your head is “Why do you even exist? You don’t do anything good for anyone. Not even yourself. All you’ve ever done is ruin things.”

I spent some time in the bathroom, crying, telling the voices in my head to shut up, reminding myself that depression lies…

Finally, I got up, wiped my face, and…ripped apart the kitchen. Read more…

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