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Posts Tagged ‘kink’

The Time We Turned Down A “Sure Thing”

September 10th, 2018 1 comment

It seemed too good to be true.

We were both into a woman who was just as into me as she was M1.

That NEVER happens.

Generally speaking, when we dip our toes into the shallow end of the extramarital relationship/sex pool, I am simply an obstacle to get around to the women we meet. It’s at least half the reason we stopped looking.

If the only people who are interested in Master are women who are hoping to outdo me in some way (and, in many cases, push me out of the relationship completely), then what’s the point? A polyamorous relationship is not a competition. Nobody wins when the people involved treat it as such.

I mean, I get it. Guys like him are one in a million. These women watch him interact with me and see how awesome he is, and how awesome our relationship is, and they want that, too. Read more…

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I’m still here.

March 8th, 2018 Comments off

Hey, y’all. How’ve you been?

Sorry I’ve been gone so long. Things have been a little…weird. I can’t really say I’ve been in a bad place the whole time, but to some extent, I have. I’ve watched in horror as my country shows how FUBAR it is, and screamed at my iPad over an entire political party endorsing a known pedophile for Senate, and deleted my Twitter app for a few weeks, and cried while adults attacked kids for wanting to do something to prevent their peers from experiencing mass murder in their schools, and railed against a winter that started being a royal cunt in mid-November and is still dumping snow on us as we speak.

But mostly, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching.

I’m not ready to talk about it. I’m not sure I’ll ever talk about it here. Nothing personal, I’ve just moved most of that stuff over to a non-adult blog1 I started in December2.

I’ve been writing there at least once a week. Or trying to, at least. I’m moving my recipes over there, and my introspection re: mental health and personal issues, and probably most political talk that doesn’t relate to kink or sex. I want to stress most because I’m not the type to set brand rules for myself, and I don’t really feel like talking politics has ever been “off brand” for me, so I’ll almost definitely decide that someone in the kink/sex community needs to be talking about something political and it might as well be me and go back on that. Which is why I’m stressing most. Read more…

My Get Up and Go Got Up and Went

October 6th, 2017 1 comment

Motivation is a major problem for me. As in, I have 0 personal motivation to do anything. People look at my list of diagnoses (chronic clinical depression, severe anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder [BPD]), and go, “Well, duh,” but it’s really bothering me.

I’ve basically become a housewife. I don’t really work with/for anyone, anymore.

It’s partly because when I’m going through shit, I start dropping the ball, and instead of explaining myself to the people I work with, I mostly just stop talking to them. I’m sure they see me posting on social media, and think I’m fine, everything’s fine, I’m just blowing them off. But it’s not like that at all. In reality, I’m a mess, everything’s crazy1, and the only way I know how to cope is to retreat inside myself and shut everyone out but M. I know that’s crazy unprofessional, and I have no excuse besides mental illness. And in truth, I don’t think that should excuse my behavior. It wouldn’t in an actual work setting, so why should it anywhere else?

Of course, there are some exceptions, like the company I told I was going on hiatus right after their system changed. I lost my login info while on hiatus, so I asked them for help, and they told me they “forgot” how to get it, offered to direct me to a blogger, and then I never heard from them again outside of mass affiliate emails. It felt very much like I was being blown off, so I’ve since removed their banner from my sidebar. I haven’t removed their other links because I really liked working with them, and would love to again, but we’re in a serious money crunch, so if I’m going to promote sales again, it’s going to be for companies I can potentially make a commission from, and not one that won’t even help me figure out how to get into my affiliate account. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Read more…

Officially Looking

September 19th, 2017 4 comments

…for a play partner who wants to play with both of us. Not a relationship, mind (at least, not yet), but maybe a friendship with some sexy benefits.

This is not as easy as it sounds. I’ve been going through the local profiles on FetLife and most of the members are dudes or straight girls. If they’re not dudes or straight girls, they’re switches, or monogamous, or really young, or little.

Nothing makes you feel as old as realizing you really don’t have the temperament to fuck most1 people who are 15 years younger than you2.

I’m not even 40 yet. Read more…

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Unpacking

August 22nd, 2017 Comments off

I don’t handle confrontation well. Or communicating my wants/needs/emotions. This is not a secret.

I talk very logically about good communication in BDSM relationships all the time, but when it comes down to applying that in my own life, I often come up wanting.

It’s partly how I was raised. Growing up, my mother would try to get me to talk it out, but when she didn’t have the answers I was looking for, I’d get frustrated and shut down. My father’s response to any negative emotion was “walk it off.”

“Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve, Rayne,” he’d say. “You’re giving everyone all they need to mess with you.”

And I took it to heart and started doing my best to keep everything bottled inside.

I was already a good candidate for borderline personality disorder (BPD). Add in the stilted emotional development, and I was a shoe-in. Read more…

Born again butt virgin?

July 6th, 2017 Comments off

It started the same basic way sex between us usually starts. He sent me to the bedroom to get naked and get on the bed.

If you asked what position we use most, the answer would have to be doggy style. I get on my hands and knees with my ass and feet hanging off the edge of the bed, and he stands behind me, legs between my feet, and pounds on my pussy so hard I’m really surprised our flimsy (15 year old) frame hasn’t snapped.

He slammed into me, and fucked me like that for a while. The stomachache I’d been nursing for two or three days disappeared behind the haze of good sex. The pain of spending too much time on my hands and knees the day before was a distant memory. All I was focused on, could focus on was his cock.

Then he spread my ass so he could stare at my asshole. I tried not to tense, tried to hide my fear, but he knew it was there. I could tell by the way his body reacted to the way my body reacted. Read more…

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