Posts Tagged ‘fear’

Fear is a Four-Letter Word

September 6th, 2013 Comments off

I have a really hard time talking about my emotions. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea that emotions are weakness, and you should never let your weakness show. People will take advantage of your weakness.

But besides that, I obsess over the words I use.

Today, I feel melancholy.

No, that’s not right. Read more…

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So I’m a little afraid of objectification. It’s fixable.

April 29th, 2011 1 comment

Master says I’ve forgotten my place.

He accepts some of the blame. He’s been extremely lenient, of late, and hasn’t really treated me much like a slave. Of course, part of that is because I’ve been mostly well-behaved. No reason to crack the whip when the property’s doing what it’s supposed to.

But I’ve begun to sass Him while I’m doing what I’m supposed to. Or shoot Him a dirty look. Or crack a joke.

It’s nothing new. I’ve done it on and off since the beginning. The difference is in the beginning I was being an asshole because I couldn’t believe He was actually taking what I’d given Him. I mean, really! How dare He think that just because I told Him He could treat me however He wanted to I meant it?!  Read more…

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Why’s being dependent on someone so damn scary?

September 29th, 2010 Comments off

by RockstarVanity - Clickie the piccie for their photostream!

Or not.

I have permission.  And I suppose I could still benefit from a break.  While I’m nowhere near as messed up today, there’s still that tiny twinge of what could totally turn into another all out panic attack, and the tears that have been flowing freely for a few days keep tickling the backs of my eyelids.  But I think we’ve got a handle on at least a part of the cause.  And M’s planning on getting things under control.  Or so He says.

Consistency issues are a constant theme in our relationship.  On both our parts.  One of us slips, and the other goes tumbling after them, as if we’re tethered at the hip and can’t resist.

Both of us have issues doing what we say we’re going to.  Both of us lose interest in something if we don’t see results rather quickly.  Both of us are entirely too hard on ourselves. Read more…

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Caging, Immobility and More Fear

September 23rd, 2010 4 comments

If you click the picture, it'll take you to Extreme Restraints, where you can buy a cage very much like this one, among other awesome kinky things. That neck hole? Yeah, that freaks me right the fuck out. Almost as much as the hole at the bottom for a food dish. Or bed pan. ~shiver~

Was it yesterday? The day before? I can’t remember.  Master said something to me, and my cunt twitched as my stomach shattered across the tops of my toes, and my whole body came alive.

There’s always been talk of me just falling off the face of the earth.  Getting ourselves into a position where all of the bills can go into His name, and we have our own place instead of a flat, and only have lifestyle friends so if I disappear for weeks at a time the people we know will shrug it off as just something we do, and so M can keep me naked even when we have visitors if He wants to.

I suppose He could do that now, if He wanted, but most of the people we know would be uncomfortable or offended.

He said, “I will eventually keep you in a cage.  I hope you have no delusions about that.”

It was so unexpected, and His voice was so cold.  And I smiled that nervous smile, and turned just slightly away from Him, as if covering my nakedness somehow protected me from the overwhelming feeling of vulnerableness those words induced.  Read more…

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What We Did on “Vacation”… Somewhat

September 20th, 2010 Comments off

This picture has nothing, whatever, to do with the post. It just looks so peaceful. And the wall gives the imagination reason to believe no one could ever bother one there.

Yes, I realize there’s no “Getting Fit” for last week.  No, I didn’t forget.  We took a “mental health” vacation that almost turned into a “gone completely ’round the bend” vacation thanks to M’s HR person, for which I scheduled a lot of posts, so I could stay away from the internet and my computer if I was so inclined.  And I figured that getting online to talk about how we were stepping away from the computers to improve our mental health was sort of defeating the purpose.

Let’s see…  What’d we do last week?

M’s vacation started on payday.  So we bused it into town, and stopped by His office.  We only intended to be there a minute or two, but I think we ended up staying at least an hour.  First M had to talk to the boss.  Then the CEO.  Then the HR person.

Speaking of the HR person, if you saw our call for attorneys, you know that we’re still having issues with regard to M’s child support.  And at this point, it’s not completely child support’s fault.  It’s also partially the fault of the HR person at M’s job, who insists that it’s not her job to keep track of how much she’s withholding from M’s paycheck.  ~blink~  Read more…

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Cin asked about fear…

September 16th, 2009 2 comments

cinnamon :

My question to you is, how do you feel about fear in an M/s relationship?

I fluctuate, sometimes, on how I feel about it, on the whole.

I mean, a lot of people will say, “If you’re afraid of your dominant, you’re being abused.” Matter of fact, I was told that very thing when I belonged to #submission on DALnet (IRC). Along with the, supposedly widely agreed upon, opinion that I was a sweet girl but I needed to get away from M. Lol.

I don’t buy into that BS. I mean, take Kaya and Carrie, for example. Fear makes them hot. Outwardly and inwardly. Like, I drool at the clips they share. Lol. They get off on it. It feeds them.

But me? I was raised to believe fear is weakness. So, I absolutely hate being afraid. Fear pisses me off and sends me into fight or flight. And when it comes to M, I can’t run anymore. So I fight. And I fight dirty.

Last time, I refused an order. More than once. I had a nice welt for that one for a while.

But I believe I should absolutely be afraid of the consequences of my actions. And if not afraid, then accepting at least.

I guess, in my mind, it’s not always a bad thing. I mean, it’s a great tool to control someone with. But… I’d rather willingly submit to someone because I respect him. Not because he’s made me so afraid of him that I have no choice.

I know we’ve sort of discussed this here, before. But what do you guys think?

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