Gandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 53:

I don’t want to go into all the details, but basically I got in trouble for something I didn’t do. He’s waiting for the next time we see each other to punish me. I don’t know what to do. Help?

That really sucks. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

This is a tough question to answer because I don’t know what your relationship dynamic is like. Each relationship is different, and each has a different way of dealing with situations like this.

Do you have a contract with your dominant? Many people feel they’re unnecessary, but one of the reasons for writing a contract is to delineate what happens in situations such as these. It’s very important that a submissive know what their recourse is if the relationship veers off into the weeds somehow. I mean, even kinky couples have problems. Problems are just part of life. Read more…

found here – no I’m not preaching to you, that’s just where I found it.

One of the words referenced in the acronym “BDSM“.

Discipline, as it pertains to BDSM, is the practice of training the relationship’s bottom to behave how the relationship’s top wants it to behave. This often includes punishment to correct unwanted behaviors, and is always consensual.

Got a suggestion for our Kinktionary? Leave it in comments or email it to rayne@insatiabledesire.com with “Kinktionary” in the subject!

No, no…it’s true.

First, let me start by pointing out that no one has said this to me. Not M. Not some know it all on the internet. No one. This is just something I’ve come to realize.

I stopped reading BDSM blogs for a while around the time I stopped visiting FetLife regularly. Even the blogs of my friends.

I’m an asshole. I know this. You know this. Let’s get past it. K? K.

I needed space. Needed to exist in my own mind without all the different voices and opinions ringing in my ears. We all need that sometimes. Read more…

When I was a kid, and I’d do something wrong for the first time, my parents would do this thing where they’d sit me down and talk to me about it. They’d say something like, “Okay, kid, what’s going on? You know you’re not supposed to do this (for whatever reason), but you did it anyway. We could have avoided this if you just obeyed. What gives?”

And I’d stare at them and wonder what the hell they were looking for. I mean, obviously, if I knew it was wrong, and I did it anyway, it’s for one of three reasons.

a) I wanted to see what would happen.
b) I don’t think what I did is wrong (for whatever reason).
c) I don’t care that it’s wrong.

It seemed pretty obvious to me. And what difference did it make why I did it? Bottom line was I eschewed the rules. I was a rebellious teenager. I probably didn’t want to talk about it because my parents never understood me, anyway. Just dole out your punishment and leave me alone! Read more…

We’ll be in the middle of something. Walking through Walmart, riding our bikes 8-10 miles away from the house, handling work emergencies…something that you can’t just drop to have sex, in most cases, because of location, or the situation, or whatever. And he’ll say to me, “I’m not fucking you again until you beg to be beat.” or “I want you to suck my cock some time today.” or some other kinky and/or sexual thing. Just out of the blue, usually mid-conversation and totally off topic.

But here’s the thing. He doesn’t want me to do whatever it is right then. In fact, if I DO try to do it right then, he’ll grin an evil grin, and smugly reply, “Doesn’t count.”

God, that’s annoying.

You see, it’s a test. He’s checking to see if I’m focused on him, as I should be, or if my attention is elsewhere. And the easiest way to glean that information is to give me an order early in the day and see if I remember to follow it later on.  Read more…

Gandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 2:

I don’t like to punish my submissive because it hurts her, and I don’t want to hurt her. But I do need some form of corrective training for her. I’m not really sure what I want her to do for me, other than submit to me sexually. And I’m sort of lacking in the idea department. Am I a shitty dom?

No. You’re new, and you haven’t figured out what interests you yet. We were all there, once.

There aren’t any cemented rules on how to be a dominant or submissive. The general consensus on the one requirement for each is only that you should enjoy having control, or giving it up, respectively, but even that is up for debate, these days. So stop combing the worldwide web, and the alternative lifestyles section of your local public library for directions, and start experimenting with whatever sounds like it might be up your alley. It’s great to learn new techniques, but why waste time learning something you might never be interested in? Read more…