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Posts Tagged ‘bubbles and sunshine’

Punches + Slaps = Singing??

February 22nd, 2009 Comments off

What’s up with that? I was literally knocked back into my place yesterday. This morning I’m singing (albeit badly what with the sore throat – if it’s not my stomach it’s a head cold.) and dancing around. All smiles and sunshine.

And that’s *after* finding out I cost myself a haircut and auburn dye.

What is it about being knocked in my place that makes me so friggin’ happy?

Bubbles and sunshine! Really!!!! *bouncie*

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No Holds Barred

October 4th, 2008 Comments off

It’s not easy knowing which way to go from here. Both in our relationship and on this blog. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past week or so that I didn’t know before. Which is bizarre coming from me. Because I always thought I knew myself pretty well.

The fact that I’m stubborn came as no surprise. Impetuous and unthinking didn’t really astonish me, either. The selfishness I’ve exhibited in the past week or two shocked me beyond belief.

I know people, as a general rule, are selfish. But I, being a bona fide people pleaser, always thought I did a pretty good job of curbing that. To suddenly wake up (figuratively) and realize that isn’t the case was pretty hard on me. I have enough trouble liking myself without discovering yet another flaw.

There’s been a lot of discussion since Thursday and there will probably be a lot more. But something we’ve realized is that the submissive part of me isn’t something I can just deny. When giving honest answers to His questions instead of the answers I’m trained to know, we’re finding that at the very least I will always be a submissive wife. But we’re both aiming for continuing the Master/slave part of our relationship. I’ve made a decision not to ask for the collar to be removed. I hope to keep it at all costs. I guess that means something.

And it seems like the biggest problem we have right now is there is no real line of communication. I’ve said before I’m a stuffer. Instead of telling Him when something is bothering me, I decide, without even broaching the subject with Him, that it doesn’t matter because I’m a slave and nothing will change anyway so it’s easier to just keep things to myself and not piss Him off. And this isn’t something I’ve developed since deciding slavery was the life for me. I’ve always been that way. I can remember in elementary school not telling my best friends when something they did hurt me for fear of them not liking me anymore. Amazing, huh?

I guess this makes me a hypocrite and a liar. Maybe by BDSM standards – And, hell! My standards in the past, too. – I’m a fake slave. I’m feeling a lot like a fake slave right now. I’m not really sure, anymore, what a true slave is anyway. But I am pretty certain that, while there are actual definitions for the words slave and submissive, everyone’s relationship has to be about what makes them happy and not where those lines are drawn in the semi-dry cement.  Read more…

Bubbles and Sunshine!

July 24th, 2008 Comments off

co-de·pen·dent adj.

  1. Mutually dependent.
  2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.

I guess, based on the definition, I’ve been using the wrong word. I’m not real sure what the right one is, though. But basically what it comes down to is the more I spend my five days off pretending they’re never going to end and I’m going to be able to spend every minute of my life with Master without interruptions the harder it is for me to go back to work on Thursday. The harder it is for me to stay at work on Thursday. The harder it is for me to function at work on Thursday.

Six years ago I would have run far and fast. Six years ago I would have recognized the downward spiral into being incapable of surviving on my own, taking care of myself, and I would have packed my shit and made a quick escape to the nearest friend or family member. I would have believed, based on years of psychobabble and society’s views, that I was in danger of losing myself and becoming someone I didn’t like.

But Master likes me this way. And I like me this way. And I get by better outside of work this way than I would if I didn’t feel so deeply connected and so powerless without Him. Read more…

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