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Posts Tagged ‘abuse’

Still on the fence about E.L. James and her books?

July 25th, 2014 1 comment

50 Shades of Grey Cover ArtWe all know how I feel about this series and its subsequent sex toy line. If not, I’ll sum it up real quick for you.

The 50 Shades series promotes ABUSE, not BDSM, and should not, in any way, shape, or form, be used as a guide to putting the spice back in your bedroom as the author and publisher (and pretty much the whole god damned vanilla world) have suggested.

The sex toy line isn’t particularly harmful. It’s just cheap, and the vibrators suck. I’m a kink toy snob. Mostly because I like to own kink toys that are aesthetically pleasing, well made, and will last a good, long time. This line is not at all kink toy snob worthy. It’s kinda ugly, if truth be told.

Now that my opinion’s out of the way, let me move on to why I’m here. I originally formulated those opinions before knowing jack shit about the author and after only reading the first book. I’ve still only read the first book. I can’t find the give a damn to read the second and third. I probably will eventually, but it’s so much work. Reading should be fun. I spent the whole first book completely incredulous. Read more…

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On Labeling A Stranger An Abuser

June 19th, 2014 Comments off

So the other day, I was reading a post about exes. I don’t remember whose. Maybe it was Stella Kink?

In any case, it discussed that unwritten code that says dating your friend’s ex is bad, mmkay? And it delves into the way this is often handled in the BDSM community. I don’t know from personal experience, but according to the post I read, and according to the people I’ve spoken with in the BDSM community, a lot of people actually recommend their exes to others if they feel they’d be a good match.

This makes sense. Something that’s often suggested to submissives (and dominants and switches, too, by the folks who understand that submissives aren’t the only ones who need protection) is finding “references” for any dominants they’re interested in beginning a relationship with. And apparently, a lot of BDSM relationships end amicably and for reasons that are not reflections of the personalities and morals of the people involved. Read more…

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Abuse vs. Sadomasochism

October 16th, 2003 Comments off

The ever popular debate, argument, paradox…whatever you’d like to call it. I have to admit, I’m slightly confused. I’m sure I’m not the only one. This probably isn’t going to make me very popular, but they say opinions are like ass holes. Take me with a grain of salt and move on.

Basically what it comes down to is where is the line drawn? Where do we say, “Wait a minute. This isn’t sadomasochism anymore. This is abuse.”? When do we (as submissives) say, “This isn’t what I signed up for.”?

Scenario 1: “My owner gave me a safe word and insisted that I use it when something happens that I can’t handle. He promised that he would stop if I used my safe word, but last week we were playing and I called out “red light” and he kept going. I called it out a few more times but he wouldn’t stop. When he finally stopped I was hysterical. He said he didn’t hear me and apologized about a hundred times and I believed him. But last night, it happened again.”

Okay, maybe this girl’s owner has a hearing problem. Doubtful. In this case, I would say abuse. The line is drawn. He said if she used her safe word, he would stop. Period. There’s no, “Well, I thought she might be able to take just a little more.” No, “I’m in charge here. I say what goes.” Yeah, you’re in charge. And you should be in charge of a jail cell. The two of you agreed on a safe word. In your relationship, calling out your safe word means STOP. Period.

Scenario 2: “My owner and I filled out a check list at the beginning of our relationship, and we discussed limits I absolutely will not cross. Things that I would be able to walk away upon him doing them. Things that I just can’t and won’t deal with. I don’t have a safe word but before I was collared we agreed that these limits wouldn’t be crossed or even pushed, and that if they were, I could give him back his collar and the contract was terminated. A few weeks ago, we were playing, and it got kind of out of hand, and he crossed some of my limits. I freaked and he tried to console me saying he got carried away in the moment and he was sorry. But the other day, he did it again.”

Once again, abuse. Limits were set. The submissive drew firm lines that she would not cross. Hell, she even gave him another chance when he crossed them. The second time tells me that he doesn’t particularly care where the lines are drawn. That he’s going to do what he wants, when he wants, whether she likes it or not. In my relationship with Master, that would fly. I gave up all rights. Dropped all limits. Told Him, “Do with me as you please.” In the relationship described here, that isn’t the case. She drew firm lines between what she would and wouldn’t do. Which brings me to:  Read more…

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