Sometimes, it’s not nice to be nice.

June 16th, 2017 Comments off

So I’ve been really slacking on the house. And on writing. And though I’ve been doing everything I can to be a good slave otherwise, slacking on the chores and writing is making me feel hella guilty.

Even more so because Master is being so damn nice about it.

He’s started doing this thing where he tries to point out that something needs done or isn’t being done as often/well as it should be in the nicest way possible. The other day, he was actually trying to say that something I’d done, that I hadn’t done in a while, looked really good, and he was appreciative. But he was trying to say it without making me feel bad for the time that I’d let it fall by the wayside.

And then, yesterday, I decided to pick up the bedroom and vacuum because he bought a new vacuum, and I wanted to use it. The old one is made for indoor/outdoor carpet and hard floors, and really doesn’t do much of anything on the carpet in this house. He didn’t really believe me when I told him that, but then this happened (Instagram post showing a small section of carpet that was just vacuumed and the full canister from the vacuum to exhibit just how bad the old vacuum is), so he believes me now. ANYway, I got really frustrated with myself because the bedroom was a disaster, and he basically started making excuses. I mean, they were true, but they were excuses just the same.

So, finally, I said, “Nah, dude, I’m fucking up.” Don’t try to make me feel better about fucking up. You’re the boss. It’s okay to just say, “Yo, you’re fucking up. Straighten up.” Yes, it will make me feel shitty, but…I mean…I did it to myself. Right? Right.

It’s sweet that he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, but it’s completely unproductive. If there’s one thing that hasn’t changed in all of our 15 years (besides the fact that I’ll love him until my dying breath), it’s that I need boundaries and repercussions when I push them. Without them, I just keep pushing. As a friend use to say, you can’t submit in a vacuum. If he doesn’t care, what’s the point?

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that. 💜

Categories: rayne Tags:

Apparently, we’re not moving again.

June 12th, 2017 2 comments

Just an update on the moving sitch because I know you don’t all follow me on Twitter, and who goes back to an old post to look for edits? Not me! So it was kinda rude of me to expect you to do that. Sorry.

As it turns out, the landlord’s SIL did not get fired, and in fact, the new owner of the motel she works at is building her and her family a whole new house.

I don’t know if this is a thing everywhere, but out here in the country, in Central NY, a lot of the motels have a big house where the owner or manager lives with their family, and then a separate building that has all the rooms. I’m not sure of all the details, so my understanding of it is fuzzy at best, but I guess there was an old house next to the motel she worked at, and the new owner started tearing it down. Instead of talking to the new owner to ask what was going on, she freaked out, and started looking for a new place to live. And when she couldn’t find one within her budget, she went to her sister and asked if they could move here.

Fast forward a few months, and she finally goes to talk to the new owner, and he tells her that they’ve torn down the old house because they’re building a modernized house for her and her family; one that will be better suited to her children (who both have degenerative eye disorders) and her 80-year-old mother-in-law.

So basically, EVERYONE freaked out for no reason. Them, the landlords, us. Read more…

Categories: rayne Tags:

Apparently, we’re moving again.

May 17th, 2017 Comments off

Edited at 9:15pm: Landlord just called. WE DON’T HAVE TO MOVE!

We were recently told we’re probably going to have to move. It probably serves me right for being so braggadocios about the location, but I’m not even sorry.

What I am is pissed. And sad. And stressed the fuck out.

The landlord told us two days before I went in for breast cancer screening, and a few days after we found out that M has gum disease so severe that the dentist is extremely concerned about his health, and needs $10,000 in oral surgery (our insurance covers $1,000). And the next day, our car broke.

Three or four months ago, I found a lump in my breast, and I ignored it because I’ve had lumps before, and they went away. This one didn’t go away. In fact, it got larger. Eventually, I told M, and tried to get an appointment to be seen, and that day was so fucking frustrating that I pretty much cried and screamed all day.

I lost count of how many doctors I called.

My primary care physician refused to see me for the lump until I had a physical done because my last one was in 2015, and she didn’t have any physical appointments open until May. I called her around the end of March. Because catching breast cancer early is so important, I really wanted to punch her in the face. Like, seriously. Like, I’ve never wanted to punch someone so bad in my life. I won’t be seeing that doctor again. Not even if she’s the only doctor left on the planet. Read more…

Categories: rayne Tags:

How to Handle Transgender Name Changes as a Cisgender Person

May 3rd, 2017 Comments off

When I was in 9th grade, I met a boy. THE boy.

Or, you know, so I thought in 9th grade…and then 10th grade…and then part of 11th grade…and then I rarely spoke to him because his girlfriend was crazy jealous of me and showed up at my parents’ house with friends and baseball bats and threatened to beat me to death if I did, and it was easier for him if I stayed away because when we got caught talking, she’d threaten suicide. ANYway…

He was the boy that got away. The one I would always (I thought in high school) love more than anyone else. And probably the biggest point of contention between me and my ex (besides the abuse) even though most of the time, I didn’t even see or talk to him because of the aforementioned girlfriend.

I’m not in love with him anymore, obviously, but I think about him occasionally. Did he ever reach his life goal of owning a McDonalds? Did he get away from the aforementioned abusive girl he dated on and off throughout high school? Does he still hang out with the people we used to hang out with? Did he ever put together that jazz band he wanted?

But most of all, I think about his name. Read more…

Categories: rayne Tags:

And off we go…

February 1st, 2017 Comments off

I pretty much failed at my January goals. I’m not even a little bit upset about it, which tells me a lot about my relationship with this site that I wasn’t ready to face until now.

Not making 30 minutes on the elliptical wasn’t completely my fault, so I’m not going to beat myself up over it. The elliptical broke and it took us a week or so to get it to work again. And then we got sick, so we stopped doing it while we got better. I’m not upset about it. Shit happens. It was an optimistic goal, anyway. When I made it, I didn’t realize just how out of shape I’d gotten.

I’m not giving up. In fact, I’m feeling better, so I’m going to get on the elliptical later today, and hope to get back to my three days on, one day off schedule this month. I have a purpose, now, that I didn’t have in the beginning of January. I realized that climbing the hills on the local DEC land is making me feel way shittier than it should, and so I’m hoping that by Spring, I’ll be in better shape, and feel good after a hike, like I used to. I can’t wait to get back into nature. Read more…

Categories: Site News Tags:

#SunnySunday #TrumpRegrets #VotersRemorse

January 29th, 2017 Comments off

These three Twitter accounts are giving me life right now:

Handle: @Trump_Regrets
Bio: Retweeting everyone who regrets voting for Trump. DM if you want your tweet taken off.
Joined: November 2016

Handle: @trumpbigregrets
Bio: Bigly regret voting for @realDonaldTrump? Looking for a little schadenfreude? Follow, retweet & maybe offer some hugs. #trumpregrets #trumpgrets #VotersRemorse
Joined: December 2016

Handle: @realTrumpgrets
Bio: I regret voting for Trump. Now all I can do is fight back against his lies. He said he would drain the swamp, not overflow it!
Joined: December 2013

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