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Love and War…

February 11th, 2010 8 comments

All is fair in love and war, right? What about M/s? Are there things that are off-limits due to ethics?

Not in DK’s house.

DK is doing a serious number on my head at the moment. He’s basically, by his own phrasing, ripping my self-image, my self-esteem and my mind to shreds. We’re quite early on in this and, at the moment, his main weapon is humiliation. I’m quite hard to humiliate. He greets me with “whore” and I smile. He says “cunt” and I say “yes, Boss?”. I don’t get embarassed easily, I am quite confident and I’m very comfortable with the person I am… or was.

DK and I had a conversation a couple of weeks ago, before we went this deep into it, about how he touches on buttons with me he’s never touched before. He gets… vicious. He gets mean. He is cruel. He actually dismantles all of the things I am confident about. I am smart, I am quite a nice shape, I am funny, I am independent, well-motivated, strong-willed, free-thinking, obedient, polite, composed… Ask me again when he starts whispering poisonous words into my ear, infiltrating my mind and destroying my confidence. He digs his venomous talons into me and starts ripping.

Now… When I read most M/s postings, the conversation gets round to ethics and morals. Usually paired with the limits debate is the “My morals are too strong to damage my slave permanently.” What? Why? She’s your slave! I have absolutely no understanding of that. If an owner chooses not to cause irreparable damage to their slave because they don’t *want* to… Fine! That makes wonderful, beautiful sense… But to say that it is immoral to turn the human being you have complete ownership into something else? What?

All is fair in love, war and TPE. In DK’s house… Those three make life.

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Driving and navigating

February 2nd, 2010 Comments off

DK will sometimes compare me to his car. He doesn’t do it to say he doesn’t care, he does it to point out that I am there to serve a purpose. I am a working part of his life, not a cherished pet that just gets fed and cuddled.

This analogy bleeds into life. In terms of the relationship, he drives. He decides where we go. Occasionally, I am allowed to help navigate. I am allowed to point out potential traffic blackspots and warn him about roadblocks. It is, however, up to him what route we take.

Whether he does round those roadblocks or just smashes through them and then fixes the car up after getting past it. He decides whether the scenery after the traffic blackspot is worth waiting while the traffic clears… Am I taking this too far?

Basically, he decides on a path for our relationship. If he tells me about it or I recognise where we’re going, I will give him my input. If I foresee an emotional roadblock, I tell him. He chooses whether to dismantle it brick by brick or whether to drive through it. Driving through it may damage the car but he’s my mechanic. Dismantling it slowly delays the journey and the car just sits there idling. If he stopped and broke down every issue I have with teeny baby steps, I’d be frustrated and we wouldn’t be on the path I agreed to. Of course the other part of that is I know that part of his plan is a complete rebuild of this vehicle. It’s Trigger with a broom all over again. “This old brooms had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.” Same broom or not the same broom? Doesn’t matter… It’s his car, I mean broom.

Sometimes, I am promoted to navigator. If I have a better grip on where we are, what’s ahead, how to get there, all the blocks and pitfalls, he’ll ask me to route-plan. He gives me a goal, I aim the car at it, then let him drive.

We’re at that stage now. We took a wrong turn. He wants me to show him one or two ways back to the road we were on and then he’ll take the map off me again. I have a problem, though.

I can’t read maps. Need more explanation? OK.

Read more…

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Sexualising pain

January 25th, 2010 Comments off

I’ve been a bit quiet this last week but I’ve been busy. Those who have been reading mine and DK’s posts, you will have noticed some changes. Our relationship now has a sexual element.

Before getting involved with DK, I hadn’t had sex for months. Serious pain had been longer. I had zero sex drive and ran screaming from the slightest pinch.

This last week or so has been filled with sex, pain, laughter, affection, cuddling, intimacy, more sex and more pain. It’s like a floodgate has opened and all this pent up sexual energy has exploded and is now just drowning in masochism and is just covering me in lust.

I’ve never been one of those people who can sexualise pain. That’s why my favourite kind of pain is the squeezy crushy pain that comes from DK just grabbing an entire breast in my hand and squeezing it until I’m writhing so much that I don’t understand where I’m trying to go. It just hurts. It just focusses me on him, regardless of my sexualisation, my interpretation, my emotions… It just hurts. That’s what I need… Or that’s what I needed.

Now I’m needing the sex just as much. I’m hoping this is just a phase where my sexuality is now blossoming because, at the end of the day, I am not there to be DK’s sexual partner… I am there to be his outlet for sadism and his cunt for abuse.

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That’s not my name…

January 12th, 2010 2 comments

I was reading a thread about pet names and it got me thinking about names and terms of endearment. I have three main names and they all mean different things.

I have my birth name. Not many people know it, very few use it. It’s mostly reserved for family, work and for one very close friend. Even though he’s part of my kinky friends circle, he’s known me since school so he knows me by that name.

I then have kitti. Kitti has become who I am. I’ve been called it since I was 16. It’s also my “scene name” but just because that’s how I tend to introduce myself. It’s pretty much my name, now.

I then have… well… I then have whatever name DK decides to use. At the moment it’s cunt or bitch. Cunt is basically just his name for me. It implies the very low status I have in comparison to him. It implies that I am, in fact, not a person. It also reminds me that while other people get cute names like “slave”, “pet” or even names like “slut” and “whore”… I just get cunt. Pet is affectionate, slave implies importance, slut and whore are pretty much acceptable. There are still an awful lot of people who revolt at the name cunt. It’s not a publicly used word for genitalia because people find it so offensive. It’s even more distasteful to be used to insult someone… To be used all day every day as name? To most, unacceptable. To him? It just signifies how low on the totem pole I am.

The other word, bitch, is used less often but definitely means something else. It’s usually used aggressively. When I start to get close to crying, he’ll call me a snivelling bitch. When he was calling me names, it was mostly bitch. It’s quite common to hear but it still has an impact. The only time he tends to use it is during “play” but it holds such an impact because he puts venom behind it. As I said, he uses it aggressively and he tends to use it to demonstrate distance and to make me scared of him. It works

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The myth of my consent…

January 5th, 2010 5 comments

The concept of Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) is thrown around a lot. After reading a lot of discussions in the M/s based groups and rape play groups, where CNC is a major feature, I came to the conclusion that DK and I fall outside the grey lines of what’s acceptable.

Most people say, and I will agree whole-heartedly, that CNC means that the owner can do what they wish to an with the property, regardless of the property’s wishes. Some also add the caveat that it’s within limits. Most, however, will say that their final choice was to choose and therefore consent to, a CNC relationship, thus making is consensual non-consent. This is where I think we fall down. I’m not sure I did choose or consent.

Manipulation and brain-washing are both large parts of what he does. They’re both things we wanted from the start. I have absolutely no idea when they started.

We first chatted as friends while I was in a previous relationship. A few light-hearted message here, a wall message or two there, a quick hello at an event… I don’t remember how but we got talking again after my relationship ended. We got talking about the type of TPE relationship he was seeking and my philosophies about those sorts of relationships. I was very clear that I wasn’t seeking anything because I was still hurting after things ending with D.

I know I definitely cultivated a difference in station. I did not, however, acknowledge that he had any real power over me. I just wasn’t ready. I was still emotionally vulnerable and didn’t want to rush into anything before I’d gotten used to being my own person again.

I remember a turning point being that he’d said he’d try not to send long messages to respond to while I was at work because typing on my phone is awkward. He sent a very long message and at the bottom put “bugger, this was meant to be short. Oh well. I can be a selfish arsehole and hit send anyway”. I just smiled and carried on. Looking back at it, I took is as a joke but I actually just accepted it as a little bit more difficulty in a task he’d set me because… well… he could.

After a few more messages, he officially declared an interest in owning me. I was flattered but because of the recent break up, I told him I wanted to take things slow but that the interest was reciprocated. He used a particular analogy and after I ran with it, he showed me that my response meant that I had already made the decision to commit to him. He was right. Tricksy… Very tricksy!

I spent an evening with him and his girlfriend and I think it was quietly understood by all that this was a sort of test to make sure we all got on well together before any of the “kink” stuff was injected. It went swimmingly (geddit, boss?) and as I was getting in the car, DK asked if I wanted to go further. Well actually… He said something along the lines of “I assume you still want to go further, yes?” I smiled and nodded. Tricksy, I’m telling you.  Read more…

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Caring and love

December 25th, 2009 Comments off

As alluded to in both my and DK’s intro posts… Romantic love is not going to be a part of what we are and where we’re going. This, I think, is the biggest difference between what we’re doing and most M/s couples you’ll read about.

I think a common misunderstanding, one I certainly had, is that no love means no caring or emotional content. It’s  something that both DK and I have accepted, now. Neither of us are naive enough to think that I won’t fall in love with him but even then, I don’t think it’ll be the same sort of love you normally read about.

Our analogy to explain how love and affection work here is basically that of a service animal, like a dog for the blind or a police dog. There’s a very deep bond and I will come to absolutely adore him… but it’s not a romantic relationship. At the end of the day, I am there to work and I’m not his pet.

He already cares about me. That’s why he invests the time into me. He cares about my health, my well-being, my moods, my whereabouts, my thought processes, my sleep… The difference between this sort of caring and the “normal” sort of caring in a relationship is that he doesn’t have an obligation to remedy any problems.

If I’m unhappy, it’s usually in his best interests to find out why. Happy property is more effective property. Training happy and compliant property is easier than training cranky, unhappy and resentful property. Just like a working animal. A happy sniffer dog works better than a lonely and unhappy one. However… as I said… He is not bound by any obligation other than his own interests and preferences to keep me happy and healthy.     Read more…

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