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Weird Dude Dreams

September 26th, 2018

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All of these bad selfies I’ve been using in posts are a cop out. I need to get back into photography. Maybe some day.

Quick note: Our theme seems to be having occasional trouble in Safari. I can’t figure out what’s causing it. It’s a super old theme, and we’ll be updating to something more modern and less of a pain in the ass to maintain, but for now, M’s buried, and he does all my theme work, so it might be a while. If you’re having theme issues, please drop me a line at rayne@insatiabledesire.com and let me know what browser you’re using, and then try another browser. Thanks! Sorry for the inconvenience.

I’ve been having a lot of really weird dreams involving me being a dude.

A lot. Of really weird dreams.

There was this one where I was on testosterone. That was a while ago, so that’s all I really remember about it (and if I’m to be honest, I only really remember it because I was running a Twitter search for a conversation I participated in about whether or not “cis” is a slur, and that was one of the tweets that came up).

There was one where I was a trans man, but I couldn’t afford to transition. I had come out, and my family had disowned me, so I moved in with my friend and her husband (who, weirdly, lived in the house I spent my teen years in), and her husband was a complete piece of shit who kept doing fucked up shit to me because “you’re too pretty to be a dude.”

And last night, I dreamed that I jerked off like a dude, and came all over myself out of my clit. Like…anatomy doesn’t even work that way. Wtf? (Later, Dr. Phil came to my bathroom window and told me it was time to stop shitting with the window open–which I don’t even do!–because people were eating outside my bathroom window, and I really wanted to know why people were congregating outside of my bathroom window, but that’s neither here nor there.)

I don’t get it. I’m definitely cis.

I mean, I sometimes have these fleeting moments of, “What if I’m not cis? What if I just think I’m cis because I’ve been told I’m cis my whole life and I just never really thought about it?” But I don’t suffer from gender dysphoria in any way, shape, or form. I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong body. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a woman, but that’s usually when I’m dying the period death, so that doesn’t really count.

I do have a bit of body dysphoria, but it’s related to hating what my body looks like, and not what gender my body is. And in truth, I’ve been a giant baby about it my whole life. Instead of just doing the things I know I can do to change the way my body looks (consistently eat healthy and exercise), I yo-yo on diets, and waffle between going hard at exercising for months and then not exercising at all for months.

In the interest of being honest with myself, I have to admit that a lot of that is directly affected by my mental health. Even though I know that my mental health is better when I’m consistently eating healthy and exercising, I still can’t always muster up the give a damn to get off my ass and do it when I’m super anxious or super depressed. It’s SO frustrating, having a great coping mechanism that helps my entire body and works almost every time, but not being able to get out of my own way to do it.

But as far as my gender? I’m a woman. I like a lot of traditionally masculine things and activities, and most of the time, I prefer to wear men’s clothes because they’re made to be roomy, and allow for being active and getting dirty, and don’t draw a whole lot of attention to me. But I also like traditionally feminine things, and activities, and clothes, and “tomboy” has always fit me just fine. I don’t feel like I’m genderfluid, or nonbinary. I’m just a girl who likes everything, regardless of traditional gender lines.

So why am I having these dreams?

That’s really all I have to say about that. Hope y’all are well! 💜

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