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NS(K)Q: Q70 – How do I know?

January 23rd, 2017

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 70:

I do a lot of dating site dating. It’s just as much of a clusterfuck as you can imagine. It’s like people on dating sites think other dating site users are just sex dolls waiting around to pleasure them. And the dick pics! Ohhh the dick pics. Don’t these boys know that if we want to look at their dicks, we’ll ask? Anyway…this is how I found BDSM. One of the profiles I was looking at mentioned it, and I googled it, and now I’m really intrigued. But I don’t know what, exactly, I’m intrigued by. Like, do I want to be a domme or a sub? Do I want to be spanked or do the spanking? I DON’T KNOW!!! So that’s my question. How do I know?

The simple answer is trial and error.

Do some research on different fetishes and BDSM practices and see which ones appeal to you. The easiest way to do that is to fill out a BDSM checklist (free download). There will almost definitely be some things on that list that you have never heard of before. Check out the BDSM Glossary on FetLife (free to join, not safe for work) for those. Their method of organization is a little…extra, but they’ve covered just about every fetish you can imagine.

Once you’ve got a decent list of things you’d like to try, find someone you’d like to try them with. You can use the dating sites you’ve been using, or FetLife.

On FetLife, you’re able to search for kinky events and people in your area, which makes it easier to find someone you’re compatible with. It also allows you to get references for potential play partners, which makes it just a little safer to play with strangers. It’s also a good idea to set up a safe call if you’ll be meeting the person for the first time and/or playing with them in a private setting.

Limits and interests are often fluid things. As you try the things that sparked an interest, you may find yourself marking them down as hard limits. That’s totally okay.

But honestly, who says you have to choose between submitting and dominating, spanking or being spanked?

While labels do aid in finding like-minded people, the best part about kink is you don’t have to choose between two seemingly opposing fetishes. You can be the spanker and the spankee in the same play session. You can dominate someone one day, and then submit to someone else the next. Hell, you can dominate someone in the morning, and then submit to the very same person in the evening. It’s totally up to you and the people you’re playing with.

Kink is meant to be fun and experimental. Have fun trying all the things!

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