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NS(K)Q: Q68 – Passionate Disagreements

January 9th, 2017

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 68:

So the other day, my owner and I had a huge fight. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it’s painful. This time, I can’t bring myself to back down. Something happened outside of our relationship that caused some issues for me, and I wanted to stand up for myself, but he wouldn’t let me. I’m angry, and hurt, and I feel like he doesn’t care about what happens to me. How do you handle things like this? Am I overreacting?

That’s rough. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, right now.

Without knowing the whole situation, I can’t really say whether or not you’re overreacting. I mean, if the something that happened is something small, like someone accidentally stepped on your toe and didn’t cause any damage, then yeah…you’re overreacting a little bit. But if it’s something big, like being disrespected, or discriminated against, or abused in some way, then I feel like you’re not overreacting at all.

Giving one person permission to disrespect and abuse you (within the confines of consensual BDSM) doesn’t mean you’ve given everyone the right to disrespect and abuse you.

I…am not a very good example of how to handle things like this. Quite frankly, I lose my shit most of the time. I scream and swear and cry and then shut down and give responses that I’m supposed to give because I’m supposed to give them and not because they’re what I think. And M often refuses to even consider my side because, as far as he’s concerned, I lost that right when I started screaming and swearing. My disrespecting him trumps whatever bad thing I was upset about.

It’s frustrating and annoying, but he’s usually right in the end. I’m not very good at picking my battles, and that often gets me in trouble. When you’re screaming about everything, the things you scream about tend to seem less important.

But you have to decide for yourself what’s important to you. How big of a deal to you was whatever happened? Is it worth the fight you got into? Is it worth trying to discuss it again when you’re calmer and more levelheaded? Is it worth potentially doing damage to the relationship?

That last is an ugly question, but it’s reality. Sometimes, we have to make choices that may damage our relationships.

Regardless of whether it’s as big of a deal as it seemed when you originally got upset, perhaps apologize to your owner and let them know you see their side. If you have decided that it needs to be revisited, do so as calmly and respectfully as possible and ask your partner to really hear and understand your side.

Beyond that, you have to make some really hard decisions about how important this is to you. Your choices, as I see them are: get permission to stand up for yourself, do so against your owner’s wishes and potentially cause damage to the relationship, or leave the relationship in search of someone who will back you when you feel like they should regardless of their own opinion. There are probably other choices, but those are the most obvious.

In my relationship, I get punished for going against M’s wishes, and we’ve yet to find a disagreement too big to work out, so I’d revisit the issue with him once I’d calmed down. We’re usually able to work it out when I do that.

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