Home > Rayne > An Open Letter to MrHankeysToys dot com

An Open Letter to MrHankeysToys dot com

December 7th, 2016

Howdy, “Mr. Hankey,” et al. How’s life?

Judging by the fact that you’ve deactivated your Twitter account, I’m gonna go ahead and assume life is a little heavy, right now.

I dunno about you, but I don’t have a whole lot of time for niceties I don’t mean, so I’m just gonna skip the bullshit and jump right in, if you don’t mind.

I noticed you think you’ve got a brilliant marketing tactic on your hands. It’s listed right up there under “Free Toys” on your site. You probably even got a few takers, and boy…do I feel sorry for them.

So…you’re offering free toys. That’s great! Everybody likes free stuff. Except your free stuff isn’t free at all.

You see, in order to get one of your free toys, a person has to first purchase one of your products. Then they have to produce and star in a good quality porno that shows them using the toy and mentioning where they got it. Then they have to publish that flick on one of the free porn sites and somehow manage to get over 3,000 views. After they do all this, you might send them a coupon for one of your cheaper dildos, but only if you decide their flick is good enough. They have to pay for the shipping of said “free” dildo. And if they don’t cash in within 60 days, they don’t get the dildo1.

And since you don’t seem to understand how this is exploitative, I’m gonna explain it for you. Ready? Here we go:

  1. Porn costs money. Let’s assume the person making the flick already has the right camera equipment to be up to your quality standards. They still had to buy it. And then there’s the time they’re giving to performing, filming, and editing. Time they could be using to actually, you know, make money. At this point, your “free toy” is already costing your customer at least ten times what it’s worth.
  2. People get paid for porn. All of the stuff I mentioned in point one? A model/director/producer would get paid for all of that if they were doing it for a production company. Far more than the $154.95 price point of the most expensive toy they’d be allowed to get as “compensation” for your advertisement. And if they were doing it for a production company (rather than one of those free porn sites, or some skeevy company on the internet demanding porn for toys), it would be guaranteed money.
  3. Ads cost money. I can get $150 for a banner ad in my sidebar on a slow day. I can’t even imagine how much I’d be able to rake in if I offered to film myself fucking a toy I own and mention a retailer’s name in the clip, but it would be a hell of a lot more than $150. Especially if I could promise sales.
  4. Promotion takes time. Time is money. Even if the person scheduled one tweet a day for a week to promote their flick, they still have to spend the time–time they could be spending actually making money–scheduling those tweets.
  5. Porn is forever. So now these people have a porn clip out there. It’s just harmless masturbation, right? Who cares? Except employers care. A LOT. And now, for the low low price of a shit shaped dildo, your customer just cut their earning potential in half. That doesn’t matter for someone like me, who is happily married and probably will never have a job outside of my home again. But it will definitely matter to a college student hoping to come out of college with a good paying job.
  6. Dildos aren’t money. Someone doing advertising for you should at least be able to pay a bill or put food in their belly. Dildos don’t pay bills or put food in bellies.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I could sit here pointing out things I’m sure you already know all day, but like I said, I don’t have time. Plus, you need to pay me if you want (desperately needed) help with your public relations.

I noticed you got jumped on by a few sex bloggers for your methods. Sex bloggers sure can be intense when they think you’re doing something fucked up, huh? I’d feel bad for you, except, dude. You’re doing something fucked up. As was mentioned here, you are exploiting your customers in the name of selling shitty dildos (or a literal shit dildo, as the case may be). And it’s disgusting. So yeah…you got jumped on. And I hope that by the time sex bloggers are done with you, the only thing that’ll come up when someone searches for you is the real Mr. Hankey. Because at least he’s funny shit and not disgusting shit.

Speaking of South Park, I wonder if Matt and Trey know about you.

I’d say, “have a nice day,” but we both know I wouldn’t actually mean it. Ciao.

Oh, and P.S. “Cholo” is considered a racial slur by many. Might want to rename that toy lest you also be considered a bigot. Unless you voted for Trump. In which case, by all means, keep showing us who you really are.

1. I realize you know all this, Mr. Hankey. I’m rehashing it here for those of my readers who didn’t feel like giving you traffic.

  1. December 7th, 2016 at 23:13 | #1

    I love your style

  2. December 8th, 2016 at 10:12 | #2

    @SassyCat Thank you! You’re pretty great yourself.

  3. December 15th, 2016 at 23:28 | #3

    This company has massive latex balls! I mean, damn, the proposition itself is ludicrous for an exotic toy or piece of equipment, but the toys they are selling are…well, they appear to be cheapo latex dildos – not exactly the unicorn sex toys. And, honestly, I wouldn’t agree to this stupid idea eve if they promised one of those expensive wrought iron four-poster beds with a cage built in underneath, and those go for around 5K last I looked.

    I wonder how many people actually took them up on their offer. Crazy…

    Thank you for posting this. Sunlight is the best disinfectant!

  4. December 16th, 2016 at 10:26 | #4

    @Polthus Xander They claim they’re pure platinum silicone. They might be. But they also say they use vaseline as a releasing agent in the mold, and then they don’t wash the toy before shipping it, which sounds really weird to me. Thanks for the comment. 🙂

  5. heatskr2000
    January 5th, 2017 at 13:59 | #5


    I just placed my first order with Mr. Hankey’s toys, and part of the reason I did is to earn a free toy. I have an extensive collection, and I am eager to see how my latest acquisition stacks up against the rest. While I do not agree with a lot of what you have stated, I am only going to address the information that is incorrect, or misleading.

    1.) You claim that “Porn is forever” and that a Mr. Hankey “customer just cut their earning potential in half.” by posting a video. However, anyone making a video can remain anonymous. This quote is directly from the Mr. Hankey website: “If your the shy type, don’t worry, you don’t even need to show your face. Many people that post videos on tube sites either wear something over their face or just keep it out of the cameras view. You can remain 100% anonymous!”

    2.) The toys are make from “platinum silicone”, and they are “ISO certified skin safe”. This is clearly described in the FAQ.

    3.) Vaseline can be used as a release agent for molded items, and the FAQ clearly states: “to help keep our costs lower than our competitors is to not wash the toys before they are shipped”. Silicone can be placed in boiling water to sterilize it! I recommend boiling any new toy prior to use.

    I’ll post again after I have earned my free toy.

  6. January 5th, 2017 at 15:33 | #6

    @heatskr2000 I’ve removed your link because, obviously, I’m not interested in supporting someone who actively participates in the exploitation of others, but I wanted to respond to your comment.

    1. Since my husband works in internet security, I should point out that there is no such thing as true anonymity on the internet. Period. End of sentence. Even the IP hiding websites are being raided by the government and hackers with a vested interest in knowing who you are. Besides that, if you have any distinguishing marks on your body (tattoos, birthmarks, scars, whatever), anyone who has seen you naked will know it’s you in the video. Someone looking for dirt on you will find it eventually if they want to bad enough.

    But let’s say that never happens. Let’s say your secret is safe forever, and you go to your grave without even your best friend in the whole world finding out you made a porn vid. I’ve been offered $2k to do masturbation porn, and I’m a fat chick who’s closer to 40 than 30. If it made enough money, I would probably be offered more money for product placement in my future videos, promotional ads on my social media for adult companies, etc. I know this because I’ve been offered those things for this blog, and I hardly take my clothes off here.

    You have just bought something so you could produce, publish, and promote your own masturbation vid for free in the hopes of having produced a good enough video to get a “free” sex toy. If that’s okay with you, well…I guess that’s your business.

    2. I never said they weren’t platinum silicone. In fact, I said they might be. I don’t own one, so I can’t very well send one off to a lab for testing.

    3. The “weird” part of my comment was directed at the not washing them thing. Money saver or not, it’s weird. ~shrug~

    4. I don’t actually believe you’re not from Mr. Hankey’s Toys because…I mean…no one has this vested an interest in defending a random company on the internet to a random stranger on the internet unless they’re somehow involved.

    Have a great day! 🙂

  7. Mr. Hankey
    January 9th, 2017 at 23:29 | #7

    Thanks for your concern Rayne. I am sure your concern is well intended. I do want to point out that you are correct(good catch), dildos are not money. But…dildos do COST money and, if the customer want’s a dildo for free, this is a good way to get one. I should point out that a toy worth about $150 for a 2 minute porn clip would equate to about $4,500/hr. at that rate. I’m sure you will argue that to death but I still think it’s a win-win situation regardless. We are all adults and can do or post what we want so long as it’s legal and I think we should aim to keep it that way, it’s called freedom. Although I disagree with your opinion, I still think it’s great that you can find something to chat about to support you site. One gripe I do have with online toy reviewers, and I don’t know why this does not get addressed more often by the reviewers themselves; do you really think that most online toy reviewers actually give totally honest reviews after receiving their toys for free? I tend to think their opinions might be a bit biased…but maybe not. I guess if your an online toy reviewer you might not really have the budget to actually purchase each toy, so reviewer must find a way to get them for free…maybe by offering good reviews? A truly honest, good, unbiased review would require the reviewer to go through the checkout process, evaluate the shipping and customer service just like any normal customer -I know that toy reviewers don’t do this. Thanks for your opinions and I will keep it in mind, although I probably won’t change anything just yet. Thanks and Happy New Year to all!

  8. January 10th, 2017 at 11:12 | #8

    Well hot damn talk about a company just out for themselves! If they truly wanted an honest review of their goods they would not be having reviewers jump through hoops in such a way. No sex toy is worth that amount of bullshit to get a freebie. Sorry not sorry however I will go to a high end store and simply buy one myself. I have The Liberator Warehouse I can visit vs dealing with low end games such as this.

    Thanks for the heads up

  9. Ruby
    January 10th, 2017 at 12:41 | #9

    There’s so much wrong with this reply, but there’s one thing that I think is truly stumping me if you believe it.

    “I should point out that a toy worth about $150 for a 2 minute porn clip would equate to about $4,500/hr. at that rate.”

    Do you honestly, really think that a 2 minute adult clip consists of only 2 minutes of work? That’s the ONLY way that you could come to that $4500 figure.

  10. January 10th, 2017 at 13:04 | #10

    @Mr. Hankey

    So you’ve already showed us via Twitter that you have little respect for bloggers, and it’s more evident in this comment. “do you really think that most online toy reviewers actually give totally honest reviews after receiving their toys for free? I tend to think their opinions might be a bit biased…but maybe not.”

    Maybe, just maybe, if you spent time looking at the reviewers websites you’d see that *most* dedicated sex toy reviewers publish both negative and positive reviews on sex toys, and even reviews where they didn’t love the toy for themselves, but acknowledge it could be great for someone else. The fact that you could accuse reviewers on the whole of being biased is a gross miscalculation. A review blogger can only have a loyal fanbase if they are clearly and obviously truthful in their reviews – otheriwse people wouldn’t trust them and wouldn’t buy from their affiliate links. Our reputations are important to us for many reasons, and a good reputation is only had by being honest.

    You clearly have your own “opinions” are show no care for being a sex-positive, decent brand from everything I’ve seen.

  11. January 10th, 2017 at 13:09 | #11

    @Mr. Hankey

    Also: most of the time we are sent items from retailers. It is made quite clear that we are reviewing the SEX TOY, not the company. And though we may not purchase as customers I can tell you that our interactions with the company personally and via social media can tell us a lot about their customer service level.

  12. January 10th, 2017 at 14:14 | #12

    @Mr. Hankey

    The reason reviewers don’t address the supposed bias in getting “free” toys is that 1. the toys aren’t free. Reviewing is hours and hours of WORK. This is my business. and 2. many of us do pretty scathing reviews of shitty toys, no matter who sent them to us or if we bought them ourselves, which you’d know if you actually read any review blogs before making assumptions about our integrity.

    I also like that you think a 2-minute porn clip only takes 2-minutes to make. Even if it did (it doesn’t, by a long shot) because of its sensitive nature porn is still a particularly expensive commodity. A custom porn clip featuring your product and advertising for your business is worth significantly more than the retail price of one dildo, as several actual amateur performers have told you repeatedly. Hell, I charge more than that to do a sponsored YouTube video, and that doesn’t even involve anything pornographic (which would triple my rates, at least, if porn was something I offered).

    Also, remember that time you sexually harassed me and then deleted all your social media? http://theinsandouts.tumblr.com/post/154165532396/yesterday-evening-i-came-across-a-sex-toy-brand Because I do.

  13. January 10th, 2017 at 22:02 | #13

    Ok, I am an open minded person and can (sometimes) take criticism well, although I do tend to be a bit of the hot-headed type sometimes and I generally say what I feel and, yes, I am a bit crude.

    Regardless of how I feel about your opinions on my free toy offer, I did do some thinking on this subject. I realized that although people so far have always submitted pornographic material, my offer never (technically) required the person to do that. Yes, I think most people would think that’s what I am asking for but all I ask is that they film themselves “using” the toy. I guess technically someone could submit a fully clothed dance video with their dildo and actually meet all the requirements at the same time (don’t be a smart ass and do it though).

    SO, to try to compromise here, this is what I have done: I have added youtube as a place to post and have stated that the word “using” is up to the user to define. I don’t believe youtube allows hardcore porn so maybe this can be a way for people who want a free toy to have an option that better suites their style without compromising their personal integrity. They could do a review, show off the toy or do whatever really. The views and quality content are really what I like to see.

    So to everyone above, I hope this makes my free toy offer a bit more palatable in the eyes of folks less crude than myself. I do apologize (Erika) if my words offended you, I say mean and nasty things when I am upset mainly because I am just a rough, mean brute that generally just says what I feel at the time.

    I do hate for mrhankeys to be judged on the website content. I want my toys to be judged on their quality and craftsmanship and I work hard to make sure that I only sell the best stuff I always make and use the best materials I can find. I would bet most of you would actually find me to be a very nice, funny and all around good person if you knew me on a personal level. I always take care of my customers and provide excellent customer service. Customer complaints are almost unheard of. I am expanding quickly and you will find that my products are seen more and more in the true hardcore leather, BDSM, fisting and gay communities, those are the people I cater too. I am a bid rough around the edges and I sell to a pretty hardcore crowd, sometimes I forget that people can be a bit sensitive.

    That’s the best I can do, I thank everyone who chimed in about my free toy offer, it caused me to spend some time thinking about it and I think it was improved because of your feedback.

    Thanks to all, I won’t be back to comment again or even read your posts, you will say as you please but hopefully take into consideration that I tried, I am a good person with a good company, I make awesome products and ya know what? -I only chose to make toys to earn extra money that will put my new baby through college some day. This way, I hope my kid does not have to grow up and work a dead end job, make dildos, porn, or be a dildo reviewer like the rest of us (not that there’s anything wrong with that I suppose, I seem to be having fun). In the end it’s all for the better good. Thanks! Mr. Hankey.

  14. June 28th, 2017 at 15:03 | #14

    I’m closing comments on this post because I’m not interested in the continued attack by Mr. Hankey’s “fans.” I’m not entirely convinced they are fans, because it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense that random customers would get so angry about my opinion that they would come here and write me pages of insults. But then, I’m sure that’s what everyone thinks when a fandom attacks them over their opinions.

    I won’t be approving the comments you’ve left. And the only response you’re getting is this:

    I literally do not give a fuck about what your ignorant, immature ass thinks of me. Have a blessed day. 🙂

    @Mr. Hankey

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