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The State of the Rayne

June 16th, 2016 Comments off

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I’ve come here three or four times to write this post, and every time, I leave with nothing but the title and the picture on the page. I don’t know what’s going on with me, lately, but the thought of writing here fills me with anxiety and dread. I have so many great ideas, and I’ve started 10 drafts in the last month, and they all sit not even half written in my draft folder. I get a couple paragraphs in, and the anxiety begins gnawing at the back of my mind.

Why do you bother? Nobody likes you. Nobody reads you. Everyone wishes you’d just go away.

My stats and the comments I receive say differently, but you know how anxiety and depression are. They lie. Constantly. About everything. They drag you into a mire of self-loathing that is so damn impossible to pull yourself out of.

I’ve been dealing with quite a bit of anxiety and depression that has absolutely nothing to do with the blog. I’ve been chalking it up to hormones, but then I realized that if that’s the case, I’m dealing with premenstrual anxiety and depression for a week before my period, I’m anxious and depressed for the week that I’m on my period, and then I deal with anxiety and depression aftershocks for an entire week after my period. So I’m getting 1 week a month of stability. And that’s only if my diagnosed issues aren’t flaring. Read more…

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