Gandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 66:

I like to masturbate as much as the next girl, but I’ve never really been one to masturbate in front of people. It’s never been an issue until I entered into my current relationship. I love my mistress, but she’s really into watching me masturbate and I’m really uncomfortable with the whole thing. I get really embarrassed and sometimes I cry. I never cum. It’s really disheartening. I want to be able to share everything with her. How do I get past this masturbation shyness?

This is actually something that’s really close to my heart. I have never been 100% comfortable masturbating in front of people. And since I generally don’t get off from penetration alone, that means I have to either sneak off to the bathroom for a wank, or masturbate in front of my partner. And since I’m not allowed to sneak off for a wank anymore, I’ve had to learn to get over it.

For my part, I spend a lot of time reminding myself that masturbation isn’t bad. Society’s belief that women should masturbate is stupid. All creatures masturbate. Masturbation is beautiful.

What could be more beautiful than knowing how to give yourself ultimate pleasure? No, really. In this age of giving ourselves permission to take care of ourselves before others, is there anything more quintessentially self-caring than giving ourselves an orgasm?

Considering masturbation in this way has helped me to be more comfortable with allowing other people to watch me masturbate

Of course, my partner has been a giant help, too. When I masturbate, he is always involved.

I don’t mean just watching, though sometimes that, too. Often he’s also masturbating. If he’s not, he’s usually whipping me, or groping my body, or pinching my nipples. He always makes it a point to remind me how hot he thinks it is when women masturbate, and particularly how hot I am when I’m masturbating. He tells me how much he loves the faces I make while I’m giving myself pleasure. That kind of reassurance makes masturbating in front of him less embarrassing and more empowering.

Besides that, we’ve set up masturbation as a task I’m required to complete at least twice a week. If M doesn’t remember to tell me to masturbate, I’m supposed to ask. Sometimes he’ll include it in a play session or sex so that I’m already so turned on that there’s no room for embarrassment.

I won’t claim it’s been easy, and sometimes I still get embarrassed. But having us both actively engaged in alleviating my embarrassment has been a huge help.

Maybe talk to your partner and ask her to help you with this, if she isn’t already. You could work on an affirmation of some sort that reminds you that society is stupid and you’re beautiful when you masturbate. Setting up a masturbation schedule might help, too. I’m sure there are other ways the two of you could make masturbation less embarrassing for you. Get creative!