Gandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 64:

I’m new to the scene, and I recently met a dom. He’s really sweet, and has about five years experience. We played for a while at a party, and he was great with me, but…well, I left feeling like something was really wrong. Like I’d been taken advantage of. There were a couple times during the scene where I know I should have said something, but I didn’t. And then, when it was over, he just left, like it was nothing; I was nothing. Did I do something wrong? Did he?

It kinda sounds like you both did something wrong, but hey, it happens. Which isn’t to say it’s nothing; it’s not nothing. But it also isn’t the end of the world. I usually try to chalk situations like this up as a learning experience.

The first thing I want to tell you is that you always, ALWAYS have the right to speak up if something happens in a scene that you don’t like. Most good dominants will expect you to speak up, and will actually be disappointed (and maybe a little hurt) if they find out that you didn’t.

I have so many questions for you. Like, how much research did you do into fetishes and BDSM before you played with this dom? Did the two of you discuss your experience level and known limits before you played? Did he give you a safe word or explain your right to speak up when something happens that you aren’t enjoying? Did you discuss your expectations of each other? Did he know it was your first time playing?

Before you play with him (or someone else) again, I’d suggest you fill out a BDSM checklist (free download) so you can more easily communicate your limits and what you’re interested in trying. I’d definitely mark the things that bothered you about that scene (including when he just left) as limits; maybe even hard limits. You have to decide that for yourself.

Do you think you didn’t like them because they made you feel uncomfortable? Is being uncomfortable a hard limit for you? Maybe you didn’t like them because they were new? Maybe if you try those things again (if/when you’re ready), knowing what to expect, you’ll like them? Or maybe you just plain didn’t like them. That’s totally okay.

If you’re going to play with him again, I’d suggest having a conversation with him, first, about the last scene. Tell him how the scene made you feel, and how you felt when he just left when he was done. Have some idea of how you can avoid those feelings in the next scene. If you think you need (or even just want) aftercare, tell him.

But above all, establish some sort of communication protocol with any and all play partners going forward, be it a safe word, or just you being allowed and willing to speak up when you don’t like something, or something is wrong. This is imperative for healthy, satisfying BDSM play.

With regard to him, I’m assuming by “he just left,” you mean there was no aftercare or follow up. That’s no good. And maybe it wasn’t intentional. Maybe he didn’t know you expected aftercare or follow up. But if he is an experienced dom, as he claims, he would have asked before the play session.

I can’t pretend to understand his motives. Maybe he was taking advantage of a new sub. Or maybe while he’s been actively involved in the BDSM community for five years, he hasn’t actually had a lot of hands-on experience. Maybe he hasn’t done any research into best practices, himself. Who knows?

Maybe talk to him the next time you see him and try to find out. Or just let it go and find a new play partner. Only you can decide.

But please, whatever you do…in the future, make sure to speak up when something feels wrong.