Home > Rayne > Yes, we are looking for a unicorn. How’s that your problem?

Yes, we are looking for a unicorn. How’s that your problem?

March 9th, 2016

One of my favorite things about the kink community is the surface-level acceptance for everyone’s kink. “Different strokes for different folks” is our mantra. “Your kink is not my kink, but that’s okay” is our creed.

In public kinky spaces, we’re all, “Well, everyone likes different things. There’s nothing wrong with that. Do you, boo!” And as long as you don’t peel back the curtain, you’ll be okay. You’ll float along in kinky bliss believing, wholeheartedly, that no one is judging you for enjoying the smell of a sweaty foot fresh out of high heels after a 12 hour day.

But they are. Ohhhh, they are. In their semi-private chat spaces, and on Facebook, and on Twitter, they’re subtweeting your strange addictions like a motherfucker. And they expect you to pretend you don’t know they’re talking about you; that they mean all those other weirdo fetishists.

So a while back, I was bumbling around on some social media site, and someone I follow was ranting about poly people. And while they weren’t talking about M and me, I was still a little butt hurt because they were talking about people who have similar poly “rules,” if you will.

I didn’t say anything because…well, because people have a right to their feelings, and they were a little butt hurt because they had just been turned down by someone whose poly rules didn’t jibe with theirs. No reason for me to make it worse for them by pointing out all the things wrong with their rant. I mean, it just wasn’t that big of a deal.

Then I saw a blog post from another person about poly couples who are looking for unicorns. And then an essay showed up on…HuffPo? Maybe Salon? I can’t remember. It’s been months. And then a popular sex blogger posted something about it. And then I was less butt hurt and more pissed off.

So our poly rules are a little…different. Basically, M can screw whoever he wants, and I can screw whoever he tells me to. I can request to screw whoever I want, but he gets the final say, and if they’re male, he’ll probably say no unless there’s something in it for him. Which seems discriminatory until you consider these facts:

  1. I really only want to have sex with other females. I mean, I love me some penis, and the idea of M letting other dominant men use me gets me hot. But for some reason, sleeping with another man (with or without M’s permission) feels like cheating to me, and sleeping with a woman (provided M knows about it) doesn’t. I get that it’s weird. I don’t pretend to understand it. I just go with it.
  2. He is the master. I am the slave. It would be silly for me to expect to be allowed to just flit off and give my time (his time) to whoever I want without his input.
  3. I agreed to this. Like, I looked at a bunch of different poly relationships, and their dynamics, and I examined my own heart and interests, and I decided, on my own, with no prompting from anyone else, that this particular poly dynamic was what I wanted.

Naturally, all of those aforementioned poly posts not only discredit our dynamic, but also say that it “brings up all sorts of red flags” and is “tantamount to abuse.” They go into great detail about how people like M and me should be avoided at all costs. They assert that our dynamic isn’t “fair” because the primaries get to have primaries and the secondary just gets to be secondary to the primaries. They outright state that the man involved is a self-serving misogynist who can’t handle the fact that he is not God’s gift to women.

Like…really? Because it can’t possibly be that the secondary is actually a part of a whole triad, and not just a third wheel, right? No way can the primaries view the secondary as one of them…right? Ffs.

So, look, I get it. It’s frustrating as fuck to be looking for some poly loving and running into brick walls that look a lot like “toxic masculinity” (a buzz phrase I want to kill with fire, but that’s another post for another day). But you don’t get to discredit another person’s lifestyle because it excludes you or doesn’t work for you. And you sure as fuck don’t get to accuse them of abuse.

In some cases, the comments are benign and amount to, “You’re setting yourself and your potential for a healthy poly relationship up for failure.” And I gotta ask, so what?

So what if we are looking for a unicorn? So what if there’s no such thing as a submissive woman with whom M and I will both get along? So what if there’s no such thing as a woman who is only interested in being in a relationship and having sex with M and me and no one else? So what if we’re setting ourselves up for failure? How does that affect you?


You’re gonna say, “It makes my search harder.” And I’ll cop to that. People like us do make it more difficult for people like you to find poly partners. But the response to that can’t be, “You have to do things my way, or you suck, and we’re going to ostracize you.” It just can’t. Because different strokes for different folks, remember? Your kink is not my kink, but that’s okay? I mean, really.

And that’s all I have to say about that.


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  1. March 9th, 2016 at 19:14 | #1

    I love this! So many times have I been told I’m wrong for having a one penis policy, I want to add that’s a self inflicted one penis policy, simply put I don’t want another penis to play with. I’ve never understood why people feel the need to tell me that’s restrictive and excluding. It’s what I want and what I want had no effect on their lives whatsoever!

  2. March 10th, 2016 at 10:11 | #2

    @ sub-Bee I think that’s the thing that bothers me the most. “It’s exclusionary.” Like, since when is it okay to force people to do relationship/sex things with other people? And that’s how it feels to me. Like the poly people calling a one penis policy “exclusionary” are trying to force me to have sex/relationships with other men.

    Maybe that’s going a little overboard, but it’s how I feel. :/

    • March 10th, 2016 at 10:31 | #3

      I don’t think you’re going overboard at all, I feel exactly the same way.

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