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NS(K)Q: Q61 – When To Collar

February 19th, 2016

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 61:

What would be the proper time frame for from the first time you connect with someone from an online site as a potential slave or Master/Dom to becoming owners of or owned as property? Do you meet the person first, particularly if it’s a “Relocation” deal? If so, how long? I know each situation is different, but seems like dragging it out too long would be a turn-off as a Master.

Well, for starters, there’s no real “right way” to do anything in BDSM, outside of common sense safety precautions. And that goes doubly for decisions regarding your personal relationships. You have to decide what’s right for the two of you.

For that matter, while a collar is an important step in a relationship (akin to a wedding ring in some circles), it isn’t a permanent fixture. If you accept a collar from someone (or collar someone), and things don’t work out as you’d hoped, you can give it back (or take it back) at any time.


If MTV’s Catfish has taught us anything, it’s that you can be whoever you want to be on the internet. Unfortunately, this is especially true for BDSM because kinksters are forced to keep their sexuality shrouded in secrecy by a society that likes to pretend it’s far more moral than it actually is. And besides that, predator/prey (with consent) is a valid fetish that is celebrated in many BDSM circles, which makes it really easy for actual predators to hide in plain sight.

Add to that the unsafe environment the BDSM community has created for victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault, and I don’t know about you, but me, personally? I wanna be as sure as possible about who my potential partner is on a personal level before deciding to hand my life over to them.

Honestly, I’m not really sure how relocation is a factor in when and how one should give/accept a collar. A relationship progresses how a relationship progresses, whether or not the people involved live near each other. Some believe that, if all parties are forthcoming and truthful in all their interactions over the net, you can actually get to know a person better through internet interactions because you’re stripped of the distractions of physical interaction. Others believe that it’s impossible to get to know a person fully over the internet because we all tend to be bolder when there’s a machine and thousands of feet of wires between us.

Regardless, there are a million and one ways to handle collaring, and none of them are any more or less valid than the others.

A popular way of handling this sort of situation is a “consideration” collar. This type of collar is not always a claim to that person, especially in cases of polyamorous d/s relationships. It just means that the submissive and dominant are interested, but are still getting to know each other, determining whether they’re a good fit. Some say this progression makes it feel more like they’re working toward something, rather than just flailing about, unsure of where the relationship is headed. I imagine this would also curb any feelings of impatience surrounding the progression of the relationship for both parties.

Here’s my thing, though. The idea of a master being “turned off” by the amount of time it takes their relationship to go from online introduction to committed owner/property relationship is troubling for me. I mean, it takes as long as it takes. In some cases, we’re talking about two humans deciding the fates of their lives, here. It would be illogical and irrational to slap a time limit on that.

If someone is pressuring you to make a decision, I’d be concerned about that. Why are they in such a rush?

If you’re pressuring someone else to make a decision, ask yourself that same question. And then knock that shit off. Because it’s shitty behavior and nothing good ever came of rushing.

As my friend would say, “You rushin, and you don’t even speak the language.” <.< Get it? Anyway...

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