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NS(K)Q: Q60 – Poly Valentine’s Day

February 12th, 2016

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 60:

I’ve been collared by my dom for almost a year, now. This is our first Valentine’s Day together. We’ve been poly since day one, and both of us were poly before we met because neither of us really enjoys monogamy. Until recently, though, neither of us was seeing anyone else.

Now we both have secondary partners, but have agreed that our relationship with each other comes first. And then he made plans for Valentine’s Day with his girlfriend without consulting me. I wouldn’t mind, except it appears that she’s managed to figure out a way to monopolize the entire day, rather than share it with me, and my dom is all, “First come, first serve, Jellybean.” I made plans with my girlfriend, too, but they were only for a small part of the day, as I figured my dom would want to spend some time with me on Valentine’s Day. I guess I was wrong.

I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling snubbed and unwanted, and I keep thinking…if he likes her so much more, why doesn’t he just go be with her? I’ve never been in a poly relationship like this, where the girlfriend intentionally tried to push me out. Can you help me?

I’ll do my best with what information I have.

So if it were me, I’d be reacting very similarly. I understand the snubbed and unwanted feeling. It can be hard to share special days with your partner’s other partners, and doubly so since this is your first Valentine’s Day together.

I think I’d start by asking my dom if he absolutely has to spend the entire day with his other partner. I’d be very clear that I don’t begrudge her time on this special day. I’m not trying to muscle him into not spending it with her. In fact, I intentionally made my plans in a way that would allow us to spend time with each other and our other partners so everyone would have time to celebrate the day. I just don’t think it’s fair that our first Valentine’s Day is going to be spent apart while she gets to have him the whole day.

You may find out that it’s got nothing to do with you. Maybe she literally didn’t even think of you or how you’d feel, which is shitty in and of itself if one is involved in a poly relationship. I feel like in a poly relationship, everyone should be considerate of everyone, regardless of romantic involvement. But at least if that’s the case, it means she’s not intentionally pushing you out, but that whatever she’s planned is just going to take the whole day. That’s a little less shitty, right?

After explaining that to him, I’d ask him to talk to her and see if they can shuffle things around so he and I could at least have a meal together.

If they can’t, I’d ask myself if it’s important that we celebrate on that specific day.

Because of our budget and the way my owner’s pay periods work, we usually don’t have money on either of our birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Easter, and (very occasionally) our wedding anniversary. So we’ve learned to adjust. If his check comes after the special day, we set aside a day to celebrate after he gets paid.

I know this is harder to do when it’s your very first Valentine’s Day, but how bad would it be if you had some super cool celebration tomorrow instead of Sunday? Or on Monday (President’s Day), if y’all have that day off.

If this is the way you choose to go, you could extend your plans with your girlfriend, as long as she doesn’t have plans with her other partners.

You could spend the rest of the day celebrating your love of yourself. Treat yourself to a nice dinner. Buy yourself a small present. Relax in a lovely smelling tub with a waterproof sex toy. You know…the works.

Or you could make a date with friends and celebrate your friendship for Valentine’s Day. Whatever makes you feel good and takes your mind off the fact that you’re not spending it with him.

Hope this helps.


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