Home > No Stupid (Kink) Questions > NS(K)Q: Q59 – She’s pushing my hard limits.

NS(K)Q: Q59 – She’s pushing my hard limits.

February 5th, 2016

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 59:

I have this one unusual hard limit. I bring it up with every single person I intend to have sex with, whether or not I expect kink to enter the equation. It’s really silly. Most people laugh when I mention it. But I am firm on it. I just can’t do it.

Recently, my relationship dynamic has gone from play partner to full-time submissive. I was very clear that my hard limits stayed the same, but my mistress keeps pushing. She says that if I’m to be hers, I need to trust her to push my boundaries. It’s making me uncomfortable. What should I do?

A hard limit is a hard limit is a hard limit. It doesn’t matter how silly other people think your hard limit is. All that matters is you don’t want to do it.

It’s frustrating to me that your mistress used the old “trust me to push your boundaries” line, because in a sense, she’s right. You should be able to trust her to push your boundaries. But that’s not on you. That’s on her. She has to be a trustworthy dominant if you’re going to trust her.

A big part of BDSM is pushing boundaries. Those boundaries can be anything, from things like wearing revealing clothing in public, to spankings, to sensory deprivation. Pushing boundaries is fun and exhilarating.


Hard limits are not boundaries to be pushed. No trustworthy top should ever try to coerce you into letting them experiment with your hard limits. You, obviously, can change your mind at any point, but it absolutely has to be your choice. And to me, her “trust me” line feels like coercion. It would be one thing if you were into that, but clearly, you are not.

If I were in your shoes, I would talk to her. Explain that I enjoy being with her, and that I’m happy to push the boundaries of my soft limits, but I am firm on my hard limits. And I would tell her that her constant attempts to get me to change my mind feel like the bad kind of manipulation and are making it difficult for me to trust that she has my best interests at heart.

And if she couldn’t handle that, I’d be on my way. There are plenty of tops out there who not only can handle that, but would be hurt and upset if you didn’t speak up.

Because kink is a two way street. While a submissive does bear the responsibility of pleasing their dominant (within the confines of their agreed upon relationship dynamic), the dominant bears the responsibility of keeping the submissive safe while in their care. And from where I sit, pushing hard limits you’re not willing or ready to push is a far cry from keeping you safe.

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