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I don’t know what to say.

January 20th, 2016

This isn’t going to be a long post. I actually had something else planned for today, but then YouTube sent me down a rabbit hole that made me sad and angry and confused…I’m not sure what I want to say, or even that I should say anything. I just feel like I need to. Maybe that’s my privilege speaking. I dunno.

So, in my “Suggestions For You” box on YT, there was a video entitled “Why I’m Detransitioning.”

After staring at the thumbnail for a couple minutes, wondering why YT was suggesting this for me, I clicked. I needed to see. To understand.

Ultimately, it’s none of my business. And maybe I don’t actually need to understand because I’m not trans. But I’m inquisitive, and I like to understand people, and so I watched the video. And then I watched it again. And again.

In it, a transwoman talks about how hard transitioning is, particularly for people who don’t live or work in accepting areas. From “passing”, to the financial burden due to surgeries and court costs, to problems that arise with employment, to making changes to government-issued identification, to societal views, to acceptance from their family and friends…transitioning is hard af. On top of body dysmorphia, and any mental health issues that come with that, transitioning can be crippling.

The woman in that video had had enough. She didn’t think she could push anymore. She felt like her life and the life of those around her would be better if she just went back to male-presenting and pretended her attempt at transitioning never even happened.

Then I followed YT’s breadcrumbs down the rabbit hole of transitioning/transitioned people who aren’t happy with how their transition is affecting their lives. And I listened to person after person say, “No one tells you it’s going to be this hard. Life would be easier for everyone if I just left it alone.” And I saw how defeated they were.

And my heart broke.

Cisgender people, having no experience in being transgender, tend to look at people like Caitlyn Jenner, Laverne Cox, Gigi Gorgeous, Jamie Clayton, and think, “Just transition. Look! You’re life will be so easy when it’s done.”

But I know it’s not easy. Not while you’re transitioning, and not when you’ve transitioned. I know that even the celebrities went through some really tough times due to their self-identification. I know that fully transitioned people still deal with horrific abuses from the system and their community, and sometimes even their families. They just don’t always shine a big blinding spotlight on those times because those times are painful, and because our society will exploit the emotions they bring up.

It’s gross. And it’s not fair.

I just wanted to say I see you. I know you’re hurting. I know I don’t understand and I don’t always know the right things to say. But I am listening. And I will help you find people who do.

Here are a couple resources I’ve found since watching that video.

I’m sure there are tons more. If you know of some, please feel free to post them in comments and I will add them to this post.

Hold on. 💜

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