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15 Things I Learned In 2015

December 31st, 2015
Anthony Quintano / flickr "This bitch is going down, tonight!" "Rayne, I mean, come on!" "Sorry, Rayne."

Anthony Quintano / flickr
“This bitch is going down, tonight!” “Rayne, I mean, come on!” “Sorry, Rayne. Couldn’t help myself.”

  1. I’m strong as fuck. So strong in fact, that in 2015 I slammed into a post, totaled my bike, and walked away with nothing but a few bruises and a separated AC joint. Fuck. I can do anything.
  2. I am an idiot. No, really. I make bad decisions. I go around my elbow to get to my thumb. I say the wrong things. And I’m only just now beginning to realize how much I don’t know.
  3. A lot of people don’t like me. Like, I always knew some people didn’t like me. That’s life, right? Nobody gets along with everybody. Except, apparently, my mother, but that woman is a saint. But this year, I realized a LOT of people don’t like me.
  4. A lot of them don’t like me based on who I used to be and aren’t interested in giving me another chance. Which, I mean, I get it. I can be a bitch sometimes. I’m okay with that.
  5. I’m allowed to be me, even if other people don’t like who that is. I know I’ve had a ‘gives no fucks’ reputation for a while, but I dealt with a lot of guilt about that. Society says some parts of my personality are bad, mmkay. I’m finally comfortable with saying fuck society.
  6. You have to go after what you want. It’s not just going to fall into your lap.
  7. I have no idea what I want. I mean, I want Master, and our relationship, and all of that. There’s no doubt about that. But beyond that? Who the fuck knows? Not me.
  8. Maybe that’s okay.
  9. I don’t always try hard enough. Sometimes, I allow myself to succumb to the blackhole that is anxiety and depression when I probably could pull myself out if I just tried harder. That’s not me falling for society’s theory that mentally ill people just don’t try hard enough. It’s just the plain truth.
  10. I am way too hard on myself. When I make mistakes, when I can’t finish something, when I hurt someone, I beat myself up so much that sometimes I’m out of commission for days. That’s ridiculous.
  11. I need to journal outside of blogging. I stopped for years. It felt redundant. I was writing in my journal and often writing the very same thing in my blog. And it became tedious. Instead of writing what I wanted to write about, I wrote about my days, which, believe it or not, don’t vary all that much. “Monday: Got up. Made breakfast. Cleaned the kitchen. Cleaned the cat box. Went for a walk. Wrote. Made dinner. Watched TV. Went to bed. Tuesday: Got up. Made breakfast. Cleaned the bathroom. Took out the trash. Went for a walk. Edited. Made dinner. Killed zombies. Went to bed.” Borrrrrring. So, I’ve begun to journal again, and I’m writing whatever’s in my head. Maybe it’ll get me writing here more often. We’ll see.
  12. It’s okay to make decisions other people don’t understand. 
  13. Don’t sweat the small shit. As long as the rent’s paid, and there’s food on the table, everything else is small.
  14. The sun’ll come out. Maybe not tomorrow, but some day. And when it does, I will love it all the more for having missed it for so long.
  15. I love my master far more than he could ever dream of loving me. He should be embarrassed. 😂

Here’s to all of us doing better in 2016, eh? Happy New Year, y’all. 🍻 🎉

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