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NS(K)Q: Q54 – Not A Happy Secret

August 7th, 2015

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 54:

I just found out I’m a secret. I’m not really sure how, because I’ve had dinner with the wife, but she for sure doesn’t know. I’m not feeling it. At all. I have no idea how to handle this. Should I confront him? Should I tell her? At the same time? Separately? What do you think?


Okay, calm down, and don’t do anything stupid. That’s what I’d be telling myself in your situation.

Falling under the heading ‘Anything Stupid’ would be confronting him and telling her at the same time. You literally just found out. You have no idea what the situation is.

It is wholly possible that they have a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ agreement. You barging in and talking to them about it without knowing anything will make your relationship with him difficult, and it might upset the delicate balance that allows him to be non-monogamous. That wouldn’t be fair to them or to you.

Your best bet would be to first speak to him. Don’t be confrontational or accusatory. Ask lots of questions. Find out if you are, in fact, a secret. And then find out why.

If you don’t like his answers, you have to decide how to proceed. People are all over the board with their opinions on this one, and I’m pretty torn, too.

You could go to his wife, but think about why you want to do that. Are you trying to hurt him? Are you trying to avenge your honor? Are you trying to make yourself feel better about being made to abet him in betraying his wife without your consent? These are all valid reasons, if a little selfish.

She should know, but I’m torn on how she should find out. I mean, ideally, a cheating spouse would tell their partner themselves, but in reality, that doesn’t happen very often. Usually, their partner has to catch them, and even then, the cheater is reluctant to come clean. But is it right for the ‘secret lover’ to tell the jilted spouse? I just don’t know.

Some would give him an ultimatum. Tell her, or I will.

Some would just keep the knowledge to themselves and excuse themselves from the relationship.

Still others would never confront him at all, and wait for him to offer information about what’s really going on.

You have to figure out what’s right for you, and then do that. Wish I could be more help!

  1. August 7th, 2015 at 20:07 | #1

    There are lots of reasons why a man might be cheating. I play with my share of married men and for some of them, their wives have lost all interest in sex. Relationships are complicated so I try not to judge.
    Granted, a married man, having sex outside his marriage with his wife’s consent is a unicorn but they’re out there.

    **whoops, didn’t realize cheating was one of your triggers. Agree to disagree?

  2. August 9th, 2015 at 10:48 | #2

    @ Black faggot I just don’t see any valid reason to cheat on your partner. Sure, it makes you feel good while you’re doing it, but eventually, it’s going to make life a living hell for the person being cheated on. How’s that fair?

    Anywho…I’m not offended. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. 🙂

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