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NS(K)Q: Q53 – I didn’t do it.

July 31st, 2015

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 53:

I don’t want to go into all the details, but basically I got in trouble for something I didn’t do. He’s waiting for the next time we see each other to punish me. I don’t know what to do. Help?

That really sucks. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

This is a tough question to answer because I don’t know what your relationship dynamic is like. Each relationship is different, and each has a different way of dealing with situations like this.

Do you have a contract with your dominant? Many people feel they’re unnecessary, but one of the reasons for writing a contract is to delineate what happens in situations such as these. It’s very important that a submissive know what their recourse is if the relationship veers off into the weeds somehow. I mean, even kinky couples have problems. Problems are just part of life.

In many cases, the submissive is allowed a ‘time out,’ of sorts, during which the submissive may speak freely without fear of repercussions; a ‘safe space,’ if you will. Some couples set aside a time each day or week for this, and allow for the submissive to ask for permission to speak freely outside of these times.

Of course, some relationships aren’t quite so formal, and allow for the submissive to speak freely all the time, unless the dominant says otherwise.

In a few cases, the submissive has no recourse when the dominant is wrong except to terminate the relationship if they’re unhappy. In even fewer cases, the submissive has also given up the right to terminate the relationship1. These are both valid relationship choices, but should not be entered into lightly.

In my relationship, when something like this happens, I’m required to kneel in whipping position before him and ask to be heard.

I’m not very good at this. I generally just tell him what my problems are. I should probably work on that.

In your position, I would first ask my dominant how he’d like me to approach this situation; NOW, while you’re still waiting for him to punish you. When he explains the procedure, immediately tell him that you didn’t do what he’s accused you of in what ever way he’s given you.

If he still insists on punishing you, and you still don’t feel like you deserve it, some would suggest that you safe word out of the punishment. When I had a safe word, I wasn’t allowed to use it for punishment. It was for play only. But that’s not the case for everyone, and some would argue that it shouldn’t be, ever.

If you don’t have a safe word, or aren’t allowed to use it for punishment, then you’ve got some hard decisions to make.

Can you live with being punished for something you didn’t do? Can you still trust your dominant after he’s refused to hear you and has punished you for something you didn’t do? If the answer to these questions is, “no,” I’m sad to say it might be time to move on.

1. Of course, this type of relationship is illegal. No judge is going to allow a dominant to hold a submissive against their will, regardless of the couple’s agreement, and in most cases, will jail the dominant for trying (Wikipedia: False Imprisonment). If you are being held against your will, or feel you are being abused, please talk to someone as soon as safely possible. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for help.

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