Home > No Stupid (Kink) Questions > NS(K)Q: Q49 – How do I tell my very anti-kink family?

NS(K)Q: Q49 – How do I tell my very anti-kink family?

February 27th, 2015

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 49:

I was in D/s relationship while I was married for 7yrs. It wasn’t known to our family, but some came out during our divorce. I’ve been divorced for 4yrs. I just recently started a master/slave relationship. He is very comfortable talking to his friends about this since they’ve known this is what he likes. My family is very religious. He has asked me if I have told anyone about our relationship? Honestly, no I haven’t. I’m not ashamed of him or our relationship. I know my family and friends wouldn’t approve. How do I bring this up to my friends and family?

If you’re really, for real interested in the how, I wrote a little about that in this series. You can find that post here. I’ll probably reiterate a lot of what was said there in this post, with the added advantage of kink being a little more mainstream today than it was in 2011 (thanks, 50 Shades). However, you’ve said some things here that cause me a little bit of concern, for both you and your master, so I’d like to touch on those things as well.

Let’s start with this: Telling the family about your sex life is not mandatory.

Maybe for your master, it is, but frankly, that’s kind of stupid on his part. Here’s why:

Your master, by your own admission, doesn’t know your family. He doesn’t know what kind of people they are, what kind of sex they have, how they feel about what kind of sex other people have, which ultimately means he has no idea how they’ll react.

Honestly, you can’t even know how they’re going to react because you said yourself they didn’t find out about your prior BDSM interactions until after the divorce. By that point, you were (I assume) no longer engaging in these acts, and so, in their minds, you were safe. There was no reason to get involved because there was nothing to get involved in.

In this case, you’re still in the relationship. You’re still engaging in those behaviors. There’s no way to know how your family will react when they find that out.

Say your family feels that BDSM (and especially a full-on master/slave relationship) is absolutely 100% abuse. Say they’re the kind of people to call the cops any time he’s around in an effort to get you out of that relationship. Say you live in a state that doesn’t require a “victim’s” statement to prosecute an alleged abuser. Now he’s in a whole heap load of shit all because he felt the need for people who really don’t need to know to be aware of what you two get up to in your bedroom. Or where ever.

I’m not trying to scare you. It’s altogether possible your family will be entirely reasonable, mind their own business. Let’s hope that’s the case.

But things like this have happened in the past to other people. People have lost their children in custody battles because of how family, friends, and/or the ex reacted to the big reveal. People have lost their jobs. People have been jailed because in many states, it is illegal for a person to consent to something that is illegal, which means that consent cannot be used as a defense for assault. I’d feel remiss if I didn’t inform you of what could happen.

Besides all that, there’s no rule saying your family absolutely has to know how your relationship works, or how you have sex, or the things you get up to that they may or may not approve of.

You’re an adult. You’re allowed to live your life however you want. They don’t have the right to know. You don’t have the responsibility to tell them. It doesn’t make you any less close to your family.

In fact, the telling itself may make you less close to your family. If they’re really and truly anti-kink, and they aren’t comfortable with your relationship choices and sexual preferences, they may begin to distance themselves from you. Maybe this would be good for you? I don’t know your family history, so I couldn’t tell you. Most people don’t feel that way. Most people prefer to keep their extended families in tact. But what most people think doesn’t matter here. You have to decide what’s right for you.

If you want to avoid letting your family in on your relationship dynamic, then I suggest talking to your master and explaining that to him. Let him know why you think this is a bad idea and ask him to reconsider.

Of course, you may find yourself in a situation where the telling is necessary, like when you’re swimming with the fam, and you’ve got noticeable bruises.

In those cases, start slowly. Swing the conversation to sex, and then mention 50 Shades of Grey, or something. As much as I hate that series, it seems everywhere I go (online and in real life), someone is talking about it; especially since the movie hit theaters. Pretty much everyone in the world knows about the series, even if they haven’t read the books or seen the movie. See what they think about the series, and then frame your “admission” with their understanding of the books. It’s about the gentlest way I can think of.

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