Gandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 47:

My girlfriend and I have been together over four years. Coming into the relationship, we knew that we had each been in D/s relationships previously, and actively practiced our kinks. As time went on, I’ve begun to feel even more submissive to her but she has been less dominant. She says that she still enjoys it but finds it hard to dominate or release her sadist nature because she “loves me too much and feels like she’s hurting me after a scene”. When she does let her Dom/Sadist nature out, it’s FANTASTIC until her second thoughts kick in. What can I do to help her get past this, to see that she’s not hurting me but giving me exactly what I need?

Your girlfriend’s reaction is not an uncommon one. From very young ages, we’re taught not to hurt those we love intentionally, so it’s only natural to feel a bit guilty after hurting our romantic partner…and enjoying it.

There are lots of things you can do to help her get through this. Here’s just a few to get you started:

Talk. Until You’re Blue In The Face.

The most important thing is that the two of you talk about it. Reassure her that this is what you want, and that you’re enjoying the things she’s doing to your body, both while it’s happening and when the two of you are finished.

But don’t just repeat that you like it. Tell her all the reasons you like it. Explain to her what you’re getting out of it besides pain. If she has a better understanding of why you enjoy these interactions, she’ll be less inclined to fret over whether or not she’s doing something wrong.

But it’s not all about you. Ask her why she enjoys it, what’s making her uncomfortable, what you can do to help her get through it, and be supportive of her answers.

Aftercare: Not Just For The Submissive

“Aftercare” is just what it sounds like. It’s a period of time after the play session when a dominant cares for their submissive in whatever way is necessary. This can be anything from treating wounds, to giving them a hug. It just depends on the person.

Many couples cuddle, while some submissives don’t like to be touched during aftercare. I know subs who have special blankets they like to cuddle with, and certain drinks and foods they enjoy after. Some subs just want someone to sit and talk to them until they reset to factory default.

I know this sounds crazy, but some dominants need aftercare, too, and especially doms in new relationships. They need to know that they haven’t overstepped any boundaries. In most cases, they need to know that their bottom enjoyed what they did. They need to know that their bottom isn’t going to hate them, or be angry with them when they come out of the post-kink glow. They need to know that they didn’t do anything wrong.

I’ve heard some describe it as the sub “coming back” to the dominant. Keep in mind that everybody reacts to everything differently. There is no right or wrong way.

Read Some Dominant Literature Together

Get your hands on this book: The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant. This is the first piece of kinky literature I had placed in front of me. (Well…the first edition, anyway.) M actually required that I read it in the beginning of our relationship so I better understand where he was coming from. There may be some stuff in there that doesn’t apply to you. There was some stuff that didn’t apply to us. Take the good, leave the bad.

There are all sorts of other books that may be helpful. Here are a few:

• Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
• SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
• The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge

And I would be remiss if I didn’t point you to some of the best dominant websites on the web. Here are some of my faves, and some of the favorites of the folks who follow me on Twitter, in no particular order.

• A View From The Top
• Malflic and LordRaven on Malflic.com
• SilverHubby at Silverdrop’s Toybox
• Dumb Domme
• DominantSoul
• Topologies: A Group Discussion by 3 female Doms
• Dominant Guide

Don’t Push.

If you push someone to do something they’re not comfortable with, they will eventually begin to resent the thing. But besides that, dominants dominate because they want to; because they enjoy it. Unless they’re a service top, they’re not going to want to feel like they’re dominating because they have to.

Let her know you’re 100% on board with helping her work through these emotions, whatever that may require. Ask her to check in with you occasionally to let you know how things are going. And then let her do her thing, aiding her where she’ll allow you to.