Home > Rayne > Don’t call me baby.

Don’t call me baby.

December 22nd, 2014

Do you remember this post I wrote back in May 2013? I won’t blame you if you don’t. There are so freakin many posts with similar points floating around the sex blogosphere that even as I wrote it, I felt like one person in the middle of Times Square at the stroke of New Year’s trying to make sure my Auld Lang Syne was heard over everyone else’s.

Plus, that was almost two years ago. So, you know, I’ll pretend my feelings aren’t hurt. ~dramatic sniffle~

So I wrote it for a couple reasons (mentioned in the post), but the straw that broke the camel’s back was a flirty dirty old man from UniteBlue who kept hitting on me despite my polite attempts to shoot him down and constant reminders that I was happily, monogamously married. After I wrote the post, and tweeted it 903489825287234857 times in a passive-aggressive attempt to get the point across without dealing with a response a la #ByeFelipe, he stopped. I didn’t know if he realized he was the straw that broke the camel’s back, or if he just realized I wasn’t into what he was doing, and I didn’t care. He stopped. Hallelujah.

We still chatted from time to time in @s on Twitter. Usually about M’s back, or the no longer flirty man’s health conditions, or his girlfriend. And then, one day, early this year, he disappeared.

A few weeks later, he was back with a new name. He told me he’d been suspended by Twitter over some political conflict. It happens frequently. Democrats and Republicans on Twitter are in an all out war, and stoop to immature, backhanded tactics such as spam blocks and false reports to have each other suspended and silenced (and then they wonder why our “leaders” are so damn childish and conniving, but that’s another discussion for another day). Because Twitter doesn’t police IPs, but instead blocks usernames and email addresses, these people just pop back on five minutes later with a new name, using a new email address, no matter their offense.

He re-followed. I re-followed. We chitchated about M’s back and the no longer flirty man’s health conditions. Things were back to normal.

Then M and I came down with the flu, I mentioned it on Twitter, and he @ed me, “Aww, are you sick, baby?”

Did you just hear that record-scratch-music-stop thing? ‘Cause I totally did.

“Baby” is a very special term for me. This is gonna sound weird, but here goes…

M has a lot of “terms of endearment” for me. Slut, cunt, whore, bitch, fucktoy, hole, piggy…all of these are considered “derogatory” in the “vanilla” world. In my world, they’re like warm butter mixed with cinnamon and brown sugar. Salty-sweet and spicy. Just like me. Or, at least, I like to think so, anyway. (Shut up. I do too have my sweet moments.)

He also calls me baby. Usually when I’m acting little (which is not to be confused with being “a little”…I’m so not a little), or I’m sick, or…you know, whenever he feels like it because he’s a fucking alpha and that’s what they do. And even though I love all those other terms of endearment, because I’m still a product of society, I love when he calls me baby just a little bit more. It makes me feel special, and loved, and protected, and cared for…all the things a daddy should make his baby feel.

Which means of all the terms of endearment I don’t want other people to use when speaking to me, I am most protective of that one. Which is why the very first point in that post I mentioned earlier is “My name is not baby.”

But besides all that, there’s really nothing that frustrates me more than men who are not my father, brothers, or husband/master using terms of endearment when speaking to me. That’s an entitlement reserved for those who are endeared to me, and the flirty dirty old man is not. He’s just a flirty dirty old man on Twitter.

So, I replied. I was polite. I said, “Please don’t call me baby. Yeah, M and I both have the flu.”

Notice how I made sure to insert M into the conversation? A gentle reminder. I’m with someone. I’m monogamous. I’m not interested in you. It’s not you, it’s me. Really.

This is how women are taught to turn men down. In fact, that I outright asked him not to call me baby is in direct violation. According to dudebros who do this sort of thing, I should have just pretended he didn’t say it. But that would have caused a whole other slew of problems like him continuing to do it, thinking it’s okay, and me probably eventually getting in trouble with M because I didn’t put a stop to it. I’m not down for that, at all, and so I broke one of the cardinal rules for females: never appear to not be interested in a dude who’s giving you attention even if the attention is profoundly unwanted.

Dude threw a temper tantrum and blocked me. He blocked me! Because I asked him politely not to call me baby.

This is not unusual, and if you check out the Bye Felipe account on Instagram, it’s actually pretty tame. I don’t know where men got this idea that they’re entitled to all of the time of all of the women in the world, but it’s pretty fucking ridiculous, and not at all funny.

Oh, us ladyfolk (ha! So not a lady) laugh it off, and make jokes about it, and create social media accounts geared toward making fun of it. But it’s not because we think it’s “haha” funny. More because we think it’s a depressing comment on the way men see women in today’s society.

“But, Rayne! You’re a slave! And you’ve said before that in your dynamic, you’re beneath men.”

That’s right. I am, and I did say that. And it’s true. But being beneath men doesn’t mean I have to allow them to harass me, catcall me, threaten me, use terms of endearment reserved for my owner when they speak to me, make demands on my time, order me around, or expect things of me that they are not entitled to since they’re not my owner. There’s a difference between maintaining a respectful, slavelike demeanor around men, and deferring to a man’s asinine demand for my time without my owner’s involvement or consent. And if these jackholes don’t know the difference…well, I’ve been given the right and responsibility to shut them down how ever I see fit.

Of course, he’d prefer I take the respectful route, but he’s a smart man. He knows the respectful route often gets a girl exactly nowhere.

What’s that Mollena’s always saying? The Prime Directive is take care of the property? I completely agree. Mostly because M’s said as much himself, and it’s my job to agree, but also because it makes sense. You can’t take care of someone else if you’re not taking care of yourself.

I’m kind of a force to be reckoned with. I never thought of myself that way until I told a Twitter friend that I felt like if I’d been intentionally insulting, they’d know it, and they called me a force of nature. Well…I’ll take it. And one day, I’ll have the mental and emotional stability to move mountains. If it kills me.

This “fuck with the bull, you get the horns” attitude of mine tends to ward off most of the seriously disgusting bullshit. And after reading the accounts of other women and what they deal with on a regular basis, I am so fucking glad it does.

Y’all. I’d be in jail otherwise.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.


Categories: Rayne Tags:
  1. December 22nd, 2014 at 18:29 | #1

    WOW to me good riddance if he is unable to respect your relationship and your comfort zone as far as terms of endearment. I am very much like you in the respect for name from Lord Raven however would probably fall over if Malflic called me baby. Reminds me I need to throw Daddy in there at some point….anywho. lol

  2. December 22nd, 2014 at 18:49 | #2

    @ Alice King For real. Piece of work, that one.

    Seems we do have a bit in common. 🙂

  3. dweaver999
    December 22nd, 2014 at 20:41 | #3


    You’re absolutely right. I’ve found there is a significant portion of the population (including nearly all of Australia it seems), that use terms like love, dear, honey as greetings for everyone, regardless of closeness, or even likableness. That said, a request to not have such used for oneself, polite or otherwise, should be respected and obeyed. It’s just good manners and common sense (both of which seem to be in shorter supply that fresh water after a flood).


  4. Heaven
    December 25th, 2014 at 21:16 | #4

    I hate being called baby with a passion unless it is from the person I am seeing. But with camming I hear it all the time, now it urks me when they shorten it down to bb, yes bb wtf is that? I have never called anyone baby unless it was my man. Then this new thing coming out Bae, um do people not know that means shit in another language? I try to use hun, sweetie, darling, and anything along those terms.

  5. RynJ21
    January 4th, 2015 at 18:24 | #5

    Yuck. I’m a Southern gal and I use endearments in my speech with people I’ fond of but I stop and apologize the second I’m told that something is not okay, and I expect the same consideration from others.
    No such luck. I firmly and politely tell strange men all the time not to call me anything but my name and they almost always 1) immediately get offended, 2) act confused and defensive, or 3) ignore my request. Heaven forbid I press the issue, then the misogynoir comes pouring out *rolls eyes*

  6. February 4th, 2016 at 12:48 | #6

    @ RynJ21 You know, it’s been a year, and I JUST got “misogynoir.” Wow, I’m daft, sometimes.

    Hey, I miss you. I’m sorry we butt heads sometimes. <3

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