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NS(K)Q: Q42 – I need more.

December 12th, 2014

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 42:

I’ve been married for thirty years, give or take a few. You hear all these stereotypes about how men are insanely sexual creatures, some even needing multiple partners to sate their appetites, but my husband is just not. In the past ten years, we’ve had sex twice, and I initiated both times. We’ve talked about it till we’re blue in the face, and nothing’s ever changed. Masturbation’s just not fun anymore. I really long for the touch of another. And since reading your site, I’ve realized I’m really turned on by some of the things you get up to. But I think I’m more of a switch. I’m so confused, and kinda resentful, and I’ve got no idea where to go from here. I’ve begun to look elsewhere, and I’m wondering…should I be talking to my husband about this? Halp!


I’m not trying to be a dick, here, but if you’re in a relationship in which one person believes the relationship is monogamous, and you’re considering seeking attention elsewhere, the first person who knows that should always be your partner. No matter what. You owe him that much.

I’m sure that if you bumble around the internet, you’ll find someone who says otherwise. Hell, even the venerable Dan Savage says that monogamy is ridiculous, and cheating is no big deal. I call bullshit, but then, I’ve already admitted that cheating is one of my triggers.

What ever it is that you’ve done so far, I suggest you cease and desist and go talk to your partner. Even if you’re already dating someone. And further more, be honest with the person you’re dating about why you’re putting on the brakes. You owe them that much.

Figure out what it is that you need, and bring it to your partner. Don’t make accusations. Don’t lay blame. He is who he is, and you knew that. You’ve changed. Or, at the very least, you’ve learned new things about yourself.

Ask him what he wants. Ask him to think about whether or not he can meet your needs. Ask him to think about what he’s willing to allow to keep your relationship if he can’t.

And while he’s figuring that out, you should be deciding what you’re willing to accept from him.

These are hard questions, the results of which could mean big changes in your life. But you’re strong. You can handle it. And in the end, you’ll be better for it.

Just for the Great Purple Cabbage’s sake, don’t fucking cheat. Okay?


  1. RynJ21
    January 4th, 2015 at 18:43 | #1

    This situation sounds like it got out of hand, but it sure as Hell didn’t happen overnight. 10 years?! If talking to each other isn’t working, maybe letter writing or couple’s therapy. He may have a hormonal issue, those are pretty common. I dunno, I just know cheating is never necessary.

  2. Heaven
    January 11th, 2015 at 19:51 | #2

    I agree they need to talk to their husband to see what will work and what will not work. You have only done it twice in 10 years that strikes me funny right there. I can think of so many other things he could be doing but I won’t get into that. Cheating does not solve anything if you don’t want to be with that person then it is just best to part ways.

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