Home > Rayne > Fat Acceptance: What It Is and Isn’t

Fat Acceptance: What It Is and Isn’t

November 10th, 2014

I recently shut off comments on posts that were more than a year old. I’m kinda bummed about it because I really love my old posts, and love hearing from new readers as they get further in my archive. But when the number of people only commenting on 4-year-old posts that talk about me being fat (to tell me I’m too fat to be a slave and/or fat acceptance is wrong) or getting in trouble (to tell me they never get in trouble) began to outweigh the number of people telling me they’ve been helped by my old posts, I realized it was time to shut it down. But that doesn’t mean I can’t talk about it.

Some things you need to know before I start this rant:

  1. I’m still fat.
  2. I care even less about your opinion on my weight now than I did four years ago.
  3. I’m writing this to teach you what fat acceptance is and isn’t, not to defend my weight. (see point 2)
  4. Comments are moderated on this blog because our spam filter is mediocre at best. However, any comments left on this post berating me or someone else for being fat will be deleted. Keep the conversation on point. Period.

So four years ago, a post on Humbled Females that said fat women are slaves to food and not their owners (in other words, you can be too fat to be a slave) was brought to my attention, and I wrote about it.

For me, this site is basically irrelevant. Their “base tenets” are so over the top as to be laughable, and they’ve made no attempt to bring their content1 (or their belief system) up to date, so to me, the site’s a lot like a 1950s transplant screaming about how life was so much better when women were subservient to men, and people of color knew their place. Very few of the kinksters I people myself with put much stock in the things coming out of that site.

But back when the post was brought to my attention, I had submissive woman after submissive woman asking me if I thought it was a good resource. And sure! It’s a great resource…if you’re looking for a place to learn about everything wrong with the idea that men should rule the world whether women like it or not. So…yeah.

Which, I mean, whatever. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But you know what they say…opinions are like assholes; everyone’s got one, and they usually stink. (Mine included.)

When I originally wrote my post, the site’s (then) editor wrote me to let me know she was taking their post down, and that she didn’t realize such an adversarial post was in the archive. Then I was notified that the article is back up, but certain (rude ass) comments were edited out, and sources were added to “validate” the author’s opinion.

The author completely ignores any information that contradicts her point, like the studies emerging that suggest the average American woman is a size 16, and the average American man is more attracted to the average American woman than he is the (photoshopped) models in magazines. Of course, this is due, in part, to her belief that a woman who is a size 16 is obese. And, if we’re to agree with the medical field, which has changed its mind with each new fad diet (suggesting, for those of you who aren’t following, that what’s “healthy” is more affected by what will sell diet pills than what is actually healthy), then sure.

I’m the average female height of 5’6″. When I wore a size 16, my weight fluctuated between 180-190lbs. When it was 190lbs, my BMI was 30.7, hence, I was, by medical standards, obese. At 190lbs.

I was also the most active mom on the block. I had a physical job. I had no health problems. I was just 30-40lbs (depending on who you ask) overweight.

And if we’re going to talk about male attraction, how’s this for fucked up? All the boys on the block wanted to fuck me. None of them wanted to date me. When I asked them why? They said “It’s okay to fuck a fat chick, but you can’t date one!” For real. So it’s not that men aren’t attracted to fat women. It’s that society will shame them if they admit it.

But I’m sure I’m just making that up because I’m fat. Because, you know, fat is all a fat person is. There’s nothing more or less to them. We all just sit around in our fatness being fat and thinking about how fat we are. Which explains why we’re all so lazy and stupid. Being fat takes up all of our time!

You can read my post about their post here: “You’re too fat to be a slave.”

Here’s the comment that broke the open comments camel’s back, so to speak.

it depends on your dominant’s tastes but generally being fat means being lazy and gluttonous, which shows a great disrespect towards the dom since you don’t care enough to take care of his greatest treasure(you). though the fault is half the dom’s because he is lazy himself and doesn’t impose any discipline on his submissive. i have a solid exercise regiment, and i require my sub to also have a good diet and exercise program. if you want proof that being fat is bad, notice how many people prefer a fit partner to a fat one, nuff said. gtfo with this fat acceptance bs, get your ass off the couch, put down the cake, get your ass to the gym and eat a salad, your body will thank you for it, and people will respect you more for having discipline and self control.

I responded in kind. You’re welcome to go read it if you’d like. Since it’s really not the point of this post, I’m moving on.

Aside from all the bullshit spewed, what “rawr’s” comment really drove home for me is the reality that people have no idea what the fat acceptance movement is. All these skinny folks (fit folks, whatever) are seeing “fat acceptance” all over the place, and freaking the fuck out because they think fat acceptance means skinny hatred. Oh my god, the amount of work they’ve done to maintain their skinniness (in some cases), and now they’re being told it was for nothing because “big is beautiful!” Skinny’s out and fat is in. And oh, by the way, if you’re not attracted to fat people, you’re a monumental asshole who discriminates against books based solely on their covers.

And…just…no.

I mean, yeah, some people are saying that (just like some feminists say all men are assholes), but by and large, the “fat acceptance” movement is more about not viewing fat as the sum of a fat person’s worth, accepting the fact that you literally cannot survive without some fat, and understanding that fat isn’t “bad” or “gross” or “unnatural” (seriously, what the fuck?); it’s just a fact of life.

So here they are. My quick lists of what fat acceptance is and isn’t, so you skinny folks can stop losing your shit over the idea that fat people are trying to take over the world2.

What the Fat Acceptance Movement Is Not:

  • Skinny bashing. If someone talking about “fat acceptance” is also making fun of skinny people, they are not actually a good example of body positivity. Body positivity is about accepting all body types as a valid way to exist.
  • An excuse for fat people to stay fat. Anyone using the fat acceptance movement thusly is doing themselves a grave disservice, and needs to do some research into what the movement is actually about. This is gonna win me some enemies, but if you’re overweight, and you have a diagnosis from a doctor that requires you to “get in shape” to get healthy, and you’re calling the doctor a “fat hater,” you have a problem, and it’s not fat phobia. THIS DOES NOT MEAN that there aren’t health professionals out there who buy into the “fat is unnatural” (again, I say, seriously, what the fuck?) bullshit, and who treat their overweight patients like crap, and tell them to lose weight when they stub their toe. It just means that if your weight is causing you problems, you need to not use the fat acceptance movement as an excuse to poo-poo it off. #sorrynotsorry The same goes for me. I should be doing more exercise and eating less junk because my body is showing the abuse in how it feels (to me) and performs…but not because I’m fat.
  • Telling you who to be attracted to. Body positivity isn’t about forcing all the people of the world to find all body types attractive. While that would be super awesome, in the end, it’s unrealistic. “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” And the beholder’s definition of beauty is defined by their life experiences.

What Fat Acceptance Is:

  • Giving ourselves permission to feel beautiful at any size. The current (and longstanding) trend is to view fat people as “less than”. Fat people are treated like they don’t have the right to exist, much less be loved and found desirable. “Fat” is a fetish. Fat people are to be fetishized by perverts, but never desired by Average Joe. Fat Acceptance is about letting go of this bullshit, and recognizing that we don’t need to be someone’s fetish to be beautiful.
  • Recognizing that everyone is attracted to different things. More and more people admit they’re more attracted to “realistic” bodies. I have a hard time with the way this is usually explained because, like the “real women have…” idioms, it often singles out one body type while validating another. But ultimately, all bodies have “flaws” according to society’s standards3, and all people are attracted to flawed bodies. They’re just attracted to different kinds of flaws.
  • Not allowing the media to define what is acceptable for us as a society. It’s no secret that the media and fashion industry have a serious impact on how we, as a society, view ourselves. And that’s ass-backwards. The media and the fashion industry should reflect the reality of life, not some obscenely unhealthy ideal that women should shrink themselves into the grave to appeal to the men of the world4.
  • Recognizing that there is much more to a person than their waist line. I think this is the thing that sticks in my craw the most. My trolly friend up there hit the nail right on the head when he suggested that the only way I’d be deserving of respect by my peers is if I lose weight. Of course, Mr. Troll doesn’t know me. Mr. Troll doesn’t know my peers. Mr. Troll saw a post about fat acceptance in my archive, and decided to use that post as a jumping off point to push the idea that fat people are only fat and nothing else. Mr. Troll has no way of knowing that many of my peers are also fat, and the ones who are not are incredibly body positive, and tend to judge people on their words and actions, and not the number on the tag in their pants. Good thing, too, or else they might inquire about Mr. Troll’s penis size before deciding what kind of person he is, and that would be a travesty against men, I’m sure. …Okay, that might have been low even for me.
  • Dissecting and destroying stereotypes about overweight people. Fat people are considered (and portrayed in the media as) lazy and stupid. Fat people are believed to never exercise and spend all their time eating. But the reality is fat people are just people who happen to be bigger than other people. We still went to school, have thoughts and opinions, have feelings…you know, all the stuff skinny people have and do.

One day, I was walking home from work. I’d just lost 30lbs, and I was feeling pretty good about it, when a truck full of high school boys drove by and called me a fat bitch.

They didn’t live on my block, and it’s rare that I even introduce myself to the people on my block. They had no idea who I was.

That’s the one thing that has always stuck out for me. I couldn’t care less that they had figured out that I’m fat. You just have to look at me to see that. But they didn’t know me. They assumed things about me as a person based solely on the way I look. And that was okay to them.

What’s more, it was okay for them to insult and harass me because, as far as they’re concerned, I have no right to be fat. I should be “skinny and beautiful,” or I shouldn’t exist.

Yeah, they (and the rest of you fat haters out there) can shove that idea right up their fucking ass. If I want to balloon up to 1000lbs, I will, and I’ll still have just as much right to exist. I’ll have just as much right to love, respect, and common decency. And that? THAT is what fat acceptance about.

GTFO with your “fat people are lazy and gluttonous” bs, and grow even just a shred of fucking humanity.

Fucking trolls. Gah!

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

1. They still use “sex” instead of “gender”. They insist that it’s “natural” for women to submit to men because women are nurturers. They stereotype women as catty and mean, and basically say that women owe it to their men to be skinny and “beautiful”. Stuff like that.
2. I’m just playing, y’all. I know. #NotAllSkinnyFolks and all that jazz.
3. Frankly, I think the theory that all bodies are flawed is utter bullshit. We were all designed exactly as we were meant to be, whether by science, or by some all-knowing, invisible man in the sky.
4. There are equally ridiculous and unattainable standards for men that get far less attention. It’s really a shame.

  1. Rosebud Bliss
    November 10th, 2014 at 18:44 | #1

    I can so relate to this. I not only have my size ‘working against’ me (according to some), but my age (I’m 63). I had the belief that all submissives were skinny 19 year olds to Dom’s who were rich 45 year olds who were thin and sexy. Imagine my surprise when I was approached by a man in his 60’s who knew immediately that I was a sub and asked me to his submissive. I learned a lot from that guy… Since then, I’ve moved on. I joined a site, just expecting to read and learn and not even be noticed. I wrote on my profile that I was a mature BBW and was stunned to get messages from over 100 men, from ages 20 to 75. A few became friends, but one very sexy and lovely man, age 74, has become my good friend, my Dom and my lover. He has excepted me at this size (250lb) and tells me every day that I am beautiful and sexy. Anyone who says that subs can’t be fat is missing a whole part of the bdsm community who love diversity, in size, shape and color… I heard from mostly men but even a few Domme’s, who told me that loved larger women. It was an eye opener for me. In the short time I’ve been in this lifestyle, I’ve discovered that, for the most part, people who practice D/s and bdms are “usually” more open minded and accepting in everything than the vanilla world. The key word is “usually” and of course, there are always exceptions. And I imagine as the kinky lifestyle becomes more mainstream, it will bring in more of these negative attitudes with it. Those who have been in this lifestyle for a long time say they see it happening more and more all the time.

  2. Pet.ka_mj
    November 10th, 2014 at 19:36 | #2

    Thank you. I totally agree with everything you’ve written here.

  3. Emma
    November 11th, 2014 at 23:31 | #3

    You’re brilliant and beautiful. This was a great response to your post. Big ups, love you girl!

  4. November 12th, 2014 at 10:57 | #4

    This is excellent, and while I’m very sorry that you’ve had to deal with vitriolic opinions like that, I’m glad that you harnessed the frustration and came up with this awesome article.

  5. Heaven
    November 14th, 2014 at 13:33 | #5

    Sorry to hear you have to deal with some disrespectful people. You are beautiful sweetie and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Rant all you want it is your right too.

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