Gandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 37:

I’m pretty new to this whole thing. I have no idea what anything means. I’m not even sure what I’m looking for, really. What advice do you have for a n00b like me?

Wow. I could write you a novel. But I’ll try to keep it short and simple.

1. Research. Whether you pick up some books on kink, or Google BDSM, make sure you know what you’re getting into.

That sounds so ominous, but diving headlong into bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism can get someone hurt if they don’t have a cursory knowledge of what they’re doing. Learn about the many known fetishes, relationship dynamics, labels, toys. Maybe watch some porn that shows people participating in things you think you’ll enjoy. This way you’ll…

2. Have some idea of what you want. The best way I’ve found to do this is to print up a BDSM checklist and go over it alone first, and then with a potential partner when you’ve found one. Google anything mentioned on the list that you’ve never heard of, or don’t understand. Find pictures or video of the acts you’re unsure of. But…

3. Don’t be a dick when you don’t like something you asked for. Shit happens. There are all sorts of things we think we’ll like, only to find out we don’t. Like those chocolate chip cookies at the corner store that look delicious but are really dry and taste like desert crumbs, or the haunted house that looked tame from the outside but you’re pretty sure they used real blood.

Kink’s no different. Being tied up and spanked looks hot, but some people find that being tied up is too much for them, or hand spankings are too tame, or, you know, whatever. That’s not your partner’s fault, and it’s not yours either. We all have different desires. Recognize that fact, and…

4. Be honest with yourself and potential partners about your desires and limits. Despite the competitive nature of some kinksters, kink is not a competition. You don’t have to be the most extreme spankee or the biggest bastard top to be accepted (in most circles). And the only way you’re going to enjoy it is if you don’t push yourself in ways you already know are unacceptable to you. So…

5. Don’t ever be afraid to say no. Unless you’ve expressly given up the right to refuse something (this is occasionally a thing in owner/property relationships, but not so much in dominant/submissive relationships, and should never be a thing with someone you’ve just met), your right to choose is still firmly intact. That’s what we’ve got safe words for, and why the most important tenet of BDSM is consent.

If you’re not comfortable with something, speak up. And don’t let anyone make you feel badly for it. Kink’s only fun if you’re getting what you want from it.