Home > Rayne > See? And THIS is why I’m on the fence about FetLife.

See? And THIS is why I’m on the fence about FetLife.

October 3rd, 2014

zerodog / icanhazcheezburger made even better by the fact that this is M's QB

zerodog / icanhazcheezburger
made even better by the fact that this is M’s QB

I told you I joined this slave wives group to interact with kinky people again. I also told you that within three posts, I was frustrated.

I decided to go back. Give folks the benefit of doubt. And promptly remembered why I was frustrated.

So there’s this thread that talks about a situation in which the master of the house was disrespected by an unruly, intoxicated family member. The OP asks what you should do if your family gets out of hand in your master’s home.

Of course, the woman should ask her master what he wants her to do, but some of us have a tendency to think that maybe we should just know, so instead, we ask our slave friends to save ourselves some embarrassment. And this would be great, except in some areas, consensual slavery seems to be a giant sandbox competition, during which we would rather kick dirt in each other’s faces than help each other out–hence the reason I began my No Stupid (Kink) Questions series.

A few people responded. More than half felt the need to peacock. “This would never happen in my home.” “My family knows better.” “I wouldn’t allow someone to be disrespectful in my home.” Very few people just gave the woman the advice she was looking for.

And I don’t get it. What, exactly, are these women gaining by rubbing other slaves’ noses in their failures?

There’s another group that says right in its description that the members will be dicks if you do or say something stupid. Their definition of doing or saying something stupid can be as simple as asking a question to which they think everyone should know the answer. And if you complain about them being dicks, they’ll summarily ban you from the group and refuse to allow you re-entry.

Seriously, what the fuck?

When did kink become about classifying people by who’s “better” at it? And how the fuck do you get to be “better” at having a relationship than someone else, exactly? And since when did having questions make you stupid? And why the fuck do people put up with this shit?

We need a no bullshit, no ridicule, “if you’re gonna be a dick don’t let the door hit ya where the universe split ya” kink community, where people aren’t afraid to admit they’re new to the scene, and hey, maybe they don’t have all the answers, and can someone have a shred of empathy and maybe even some common decency if it’s not too much to ask, please and thank you?


I love you kink community, but I’m sick of you being an asshole. I mean, I’m not even as much of an asshole as you are. And that? Is saying something.


Categories: Rayne Tags:
  1. October 3rd, 2014 at 12:14 | #1

    There are good and bad groups on FetLife, just as there are anywhere else. You might seek out a different group until you find the one that’s a good fit. An important issue is that the group have a good moderator/owner that doesn’t allow this sort of idiocy. Check out the group description, as well as the profile of the group owner to see if they seem cool.

    Yes, there’s some sifting to do to weed out this sort of crap-and it *is* crap. These groups are meant to be a sisterhood of sorts (even if some of the other group members are brothers).

    I’m a switchy bottom but belong to a few submissives groups where people are very supportive. You’re welcome to find me on FL (are we not friends there yet..?)-I’m EdenB there-and see if any of the groups I’m in might be helpful.

    Sorry you’re having to deal with this! I love the kink community, too, but in any given group of people there will be dicks! Something that’s been a hard realization for me, given that I’m a hard-core Pollyanna at heart. I still have this 1960s mindset that we can all love each other and get along. If only that were true. *sigh*

  2. October 3rd, 2014 at 13:09 | #2

    @ Eden Bradley Yeah, I know. It just really sucks. I have friends who’ve given up seeking out people to talk to about kink (aside from me) because every time they ask a question they get some smart ass remark. And then we have the nerve to ridicule the folks who get hurt because they didn’t know what they were doing after refusing to teach them. It just really pisses me off.

    I don’t know if we’re friends on FL or not. I know when we followed each other on Twitter, I was avoiding FL because of this frustration. Lol. I’ll check add you if not and check out some of your groups. Thanks!

  3. October 3rd, 2014 at 14:26 | #3

    Education before doing anything that could be dangerous-physically or emotionally!-is always a good idea. If you’re not connecting with the right people online, there are some excellent books I always site as resources (for you if you haven’t already seen these, or for anyone who might be reading this):

    -The New Bottoming Book -and- The New Topping Book~Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
    -S/M 101 by Jay Wiseman. Actually-anything by Jay Wiseman. He also has a FL group.
    -Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
    -The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren
    -Different Loving by William and Gloria Brame

  4. Heaven
    October 6th, 2014 at 20:00 | #4

    This is why half the time I don’t make comments on there because either your right or wrong and it is just some popularity contest. If you say the wrong thing you get banned. I had a feeling there was a matter of time when you would be upset with them again. I rather read your No Stupid Kink Questions then ask anyone for advice over that way.

  5. Anonymous
    January 22nd, 2015 at 21:42 | #5

    Fetlife’s a has-been – not that it was anything spectacular in the first place.

    I guess when people create a website, give it a BDSM-sounding name and make the background basic black, they think it looks slick enough to be professional and therefore intelligence of content isn’t required.

    It didn’t take long before I began seeing it as a place where desperate dicks, assholes and a large assortment of the mentally-handicapped and ignorant could gather together and try to sound like they ‘know everything’ about absolutely nothing.

    CM’s no better, either.

    There surely must be a solution, but the problem is, whenever a site for anything ‘sex’ is created, all the desperates of the world (not to mention pre-teens) flock to it like flies to shit.

    I flushed Fetlife and CM a few years ago now and don’t regret it. There are other, more sane, ways of connecting with actual, real, ADULT people of intelligence who share your fetiish interests.

  6. MOGGY ANGRYgrrr
    June 2nd, 2016 at 12:47 | #6

    I actually called people whores on there because of the amount of profile pictures showing vaginas and tits and penises and I got sick of it all.. ended up with everyone in my city on there backlashing against me.

    They really hate the “whore” word.
    It isn’t for me I tried it and thought it was silly and childish no maturity on there at all.

    It just has people on edge all the time and treating their kinks almost like a religion.

  7. June 2nd, 2016 at 14:33 | #7

    @MOGGY ANGRYgrrr Honestly, it’s not so much the word “whore” as the derogatory way you’re using it. It’s no wonder they took offense. You plopped yourself down in their space and proceeded to tell them how they’re allowed to behave. I mean, why would you join a sex site meant for gratuitous sharing of nudity, fetishes, and sex if you have a problem with gratuitous sharing of nudity, fetishes, and sex?

    Like, is that your MO irl, too? You go to people’s houses and make up new rules for them to follow in their own homes? I’m not trying to be a dick, but seriously.

    I’ll agree with the “on edge” part, though. When I was a regular there, I always felt like I had to stay on the defensive because more people will rip you apart for your kinks than support you in your right to like what you like. In a community that purports acceptance, that’s just gross.

  8. Tony
    March 28th, 2017 at 21:39 | #8

    Engage in a conversation with a local couple, she and he bisexual he liked cock up his ass. I wasn’t intrested in that, she assured me some one else would do that. Just when I thought I had an in with them I reveiled to them I was in a relationship, and she wasnt aware I was in the lifestyle. This couple informed me that they wouldn’t help me Cheat. I told them I wasn’t aware that kinksters were so moral and pious. how ridicules and hycocritocal
    She allows a stranger to fuck her husband in the ass but she has an issue with me cheating.

  9. March 29th, 2017 at 17:54 | #9

    It’s called “consent.” Cheating on your partner is bullshit. Grow a pair and ask your partner if they mind if you have sex with other people. Or break up with them and find someone who doesn’t. But cheating makes you a giant douche. And refusing to help you cheat makes that couple fucking heroes.

  10. March 29th, 2017 at 17:59 | #10

    Also, just because you like kinky sex doesn’t mean you’re without morals. I mean, really. GTFO with that nonsense.

  11. March 29th, 2017 at 21:39 | #11

    I’m not going to reveil all the details of my relationship, it’s complicated and painful. All I can say is it a don’t ask don’t tell type of relationship. She does her thing and I do mine. No one asks and no one gets hurt.

  12. March 30th, 2017 at 12:13 | #12

    @Tony Wasn’t asking for details. Sorry you’re having a hard time. But, I mean, if it’s consensual, then you should probably stop framing it as cheating, because it’s not. Unless, of course, framing it as cheating gets you off. In which case, maybe explain that to the people you’re messing around with.

    If it’s not consensual, I still maintain that you should really talk to your partner, and maybe even seek a couples counselor. “Complicated and painful” can often be repaired with good communication, and good communication is 100% something that is learned.

    Sorry I came off as such a hard ass to start. Cheating is a trigger for me. My abusive ex used it as a form of emotional abuse, and I just see red every time someone mentions it.

  13. March 30th, 2017 at 15:10 | #13

    Thank you for your in put. Talked it over with my significant other and she is ok with it just ask not to bring anything home and not be out late.

    Felt I burned my bridges at Fetlife and deleted my profile.
    Do you know of any free social media sex sites I can visit?
    Something that is local. Hastings Michigan area.
    Thanks again

  14. April 4th, 2017 at 09:35 | #14

    @Tony Eh there are a lot of people on Fetlife. It would take some serious bullshit to burn all your bridges there. FL Is probably the best place to find likeminded locals. Maybe reopen your profile (or create a new one…whichever you’re most comfortable with) and search for your area. A lot of munch groups have groups on FL that you can join, and then meet up with them when they have a meeting. There are also some Facebook groups for kink, but because of their adult nature, they’re usually private. Maybe check there and see if there are any in your area. Other than that, I mostly stay out of the public scene, and I live in NY, so I don’t really know what’s available near you. Sorry :/

  15. Tony
    April 4th, 2017 at 15:54 | #15

    Thank you for your correspondents and insight. Your an exceptional bright person. Hope to have the pleasure in meeting some like you.In a perfect world it would be you.

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