Home > rayne > I am so not in the right headspace.

I am so not in the right headspace.

September 17th, 2014

No, no…it’s true.

First, let me start by pointing out that no one has said this to me. Not M. Not some know it all on the internet. No one. This is just something I’ve come to realize.

I stopped reading BDSM blogs for a while around the time I stopped visiting FetLife regularly. Even the blogs of my friends.

I’m an asshole. I know this. You know this. Let’s get past it. K? K.

I needed space. Needed to exist in my own mind without all the different voices and opinions ringing in my ears. We all need that sometimes.

Of course, I just filled the spaces up with other voices and opinions, but none of them talk about things that actually make or break my lifestyle and living situation, so it’s not quite as necessary to tune them out.

I shoulder my way through everything, pressing on, defending my opinions and my right to exist like it’s nobody’s business, but even I sometimes question myself and my decisions. What human doesn’t?

There are millions of people on FetLife and various other places on the web talking about their way to kink. Most of the time, I’m good at taking what applies to me and mine and leaving the rest, but occasionally, I get to the “what ifs?” What if I tried that? What if he likes this and just hasn’t told me because he knows I don’t want to? What if…? What if…? What if…?

Plus, at the time, we weren’t really doing it, and reading about other people who were made me feel sad, and guilty, and insecure, and envious. So instead of feeling those things, I stopped reading about it.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could do that with every bullshit thing that happens to us? Just…take it off for a while and not think about it.

So I went back to Fetlife. I’m not participating much, but I found a group for women who are married to their masters or want to be, and I thought this would be a great way to ease into interacting with kinky people again, and since we’ve been slowly ramping up this thing we do again (slowly to accommodate my fucked up head and M’s back), easing into interacting with people who do it seemed like a good idea.

I posted maybe three times before feeling like I’m not __________ enough. Fill in the blank with whatever word you want. It probably fits.

I’d like to blame it on the girl who piped in all, “My owner works from home so I never have to make a decision on my own.” But it’s not her fault. I’d like to think she wasn’t being all “slavier than thou” but because I’m predisposed to the responses of the kinky elite, it sounded like peacocking to me.

When did I become so jaded?

Of course, I started to get defensive in my head. “Well, my owner works from home, too, but he can’t just drop everything, and decide whether or not I should fill the toilet paper roll right now, so I have to make that decision on my own.”

It’s true. M’s super busy. Even with him working from home, there are certain things I have to decide on my own because he’s too busy. His work often requires intense concentration. He can’t have me interrupting him every five minutes to ask him the mundane questions that fill up my day-to-day life. I have to be intelligent and observant enough to know what he wants and base my decisions on my knowledge.

I mean, that’s half the reason for training a slave, isn’t it? To teach them what you want and expect so that if they have to act without your express instruction, they know how to respond?

And after that minor, five-second, “I’m a shitty slave” breakdown, I realized that M doesn’t want mindless submission. Zombie Slave does not appeal to him. He could have had any number of mindless, zombie slaves, but he chose an intelligent smart ass who is capable of making a decision without his input instead.

I’m not sure what that says about him and his dominance, and I’m not sure I care. From where I sit, he’s the best damn owner a body could have, and all that bullshit everyone else spews about “true ownership” is bonafide malarky.

So I moved on to reading another group, that day. And I realized that most people don’t consider what I have slavery. I’m allowed to think. Not just allowed, but expected. It amuses M to have a slave who pays attention to the world around her, gets all worked up about it, talks about it with passion and understanding. He’d be bored otherwise.

But there are other places I need work.

For example, I make M wait a lot. For Twitter, for Skype, for an article I’m reading, a game I’m playing, a subject I’m researching. Instead of pausing what I’m doing and picking it back up later, I sit and finish my thought (or ten thoughts) and act surprised when he gets annoyed.

I don’t do as much around the house as I should. I poopoo this off with, “housework was never my thing, and he doesn’t care if it’s spotless,” but bleh. That’s no excuse.

I still run off at the lips if I think I’m right and he’s wrong. Sometimes about subjects on which he is the decider. That’s no good.

But what bothers me most is there’s been a shift in how I view our dynamic. It’s hard to describe, but basically, what it comes down to is M obviously is not my first thought when I make the aforementioned decisions to shirk my duties, and that? Is bullshit.

So I’m working on that. Cuz I’m all about no bullshit. And cuz M deserves better.

<3

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  1. Heaven
    September 17th, 2014 at 20:40 | #1

    I know plenty of them zombies kind of hard to deal with people when they don’t want you thinking for yourself or you not being able to say this or that. You made me giggle when you said the things you did about making M wait and not getting to stuff right away. I had a hard time with that too but when I am in a train of thought I want to get what I am doing done because in my case I forget a lot of stuff at times and it is no fun. It is nice you are trying to work on it though. Proud of you and also glad to see you coming back around. I have found some good groups I like to chime in on that site as well, even if I don’t say anything it is amusing to read some of the dumb comments from people.

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