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NS(K)Q: Q31 – Unwanted Touching

August 26th, 2014

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 31:

So I was at an event, the other day, and this dominant came up to me, and just started touching me. I mean, he never even introduced himself. He didn’t touch me anywhere sexual, but I never told him he could touch me. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to cause a scene. He was touching other people, and they weren’t complaining, so I thought maybe this was just my hang-up. Correct me if I’m wrong, but…isn’t one of the main tenets of BDSM consent? Even in touching?

Okay…you’re not wrong. One of the main tenets in BDSM IS consent, even in touching.

Consent is the single factor separating what we do in our bedrooms (and at play parties, and in fetish clubs, etc.) from domestic abuse. It’s the defining line between kink and sexual assault. It is the one thing we have held up to society at large when they’ve arrested one of us on allegations of assault to prove that we, as a community, do not believe in causing someone pain against their will or forcibly removing their bodily autonomy. If we don’t enforce this ideal within our walls, we are removing our single defense and proving naysayers correct.

Dude should have asked you before touching you. Anyone at a kink event should ask you before touching you, regardless their gender…or yours.

Okay, but I’m not owned. What then?

Doesn’t matter. No one has the right to touch you without your permission. Unless it’s an accident, of course. But even then, it should not continue beyond what is out of their control, and I dare say an apology should follow.

What if I am owned, and touching me requires my owner’s permission?

Then when someone requests the right to touch you, you should inform them of that.

So what do I do if someone touches me without permission?

This depends on the situation, your relationship status/protocols, and the space you’re in.

Some munch groups and events have explicit protocols for unwanted touching, among other things. You should always check with event coordinators before attending to find out what these are.

Some dominants set up explicit protocols for unwanted touching for their submissives. Be sure to check with your dominant to find out what they want you to do.

Otherwise, it’s up to you to decide what you think is the best way to handle the situation. If you feel relatively safe, and think the offense was an oversight, simply ask the person not to touch you again without first gaining your consent. If you don’t feel safe, seek a trusted friend to help you assert your boundaries, or find the DM.

But above all, never let anyone convince you that because you’ve chosen a certain label, you’ve given up your right to bodily autonomy. It’s simply not true.

  1. August 26th, 2014 at 10:04 | #1

    Admittedly I’ve had very little immersion in the world of kink (we’ve discussed this), but I’d have issues not kicking someone right in the bits for touching me without my permission in an atmosphere that is supposed to be “safe” as far as consent and respect for rules goes.

    That being said, I’ve also hid in a corner when someone touched me without my permission… and I’m a large guy that certainly have shut the smaller man down.

    I love your No Stupid Kink Questions series!

  2. August 26th, 2014 at 10:27 | #2

    @ Mr. Will I have issues with being touched by strangers, so I completely understand. And thanks! I’m making an attempt to make it a weekly thing. I certainly have enough topics set aside to work from.

  3. Camryn
    August 26th, 2014 at 16:25 | #3

    This is a big deal for me. I don’t have many spaces where I feel safe, so for someone to do something that makes that space less safe for me is really frustrating. Keep your hands off! >.<

  4. Heaven
    August 26th, 2014 at 19:54 | #4

    No you are not wrong at all, I have been to plenty of events where no one is allowed to touch you unless they ask your permission first. I hate when people do that.

  5. Sidney
    August 31st, 2014 at 09:42 | #5

    I was at a party once where one of the hosts, the husband, actually, kissed me. I freaked the fuck out. I mean, a) I’m in a relationship. b) My switch wasn’t there. c) Who the fuck kisses someone they barely know at a play party????? It cased big issues at the party, when I got home, not to mention my own issues with men following domestic violence. Yeah. Non consensual touching is not only disrespectful but if you don’t know shit about the other person it could be a big deal.

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