Home > Rayne > Unharshing Life Through BDSM

Unharshing Life Through BDSM

August 18th, 2014

I do this thing where I click the links in the related posts widget at the bottom of each post. I like to be reminded of what we’ve been through, things we’ve said, how we’ve changed.

In 2008, I left.

It wasn’t planned. Shit happened. I got scared. And instead of trying to talk to Master about what was going through my mind, I packed the clothes in our dryer, and bolted.

I could make excuses till I’m blue in the face, and punctuate them with the fact that I didn’t feel like he would hear me. The fact remains that the way I handled the situation went against everything I promised the man who holds my leash. And ultimately, my actions caused more damage to our relationship than the reason I ran from him.

It’s funny how much a week with family can show you. At least, a week with my family, that is. And without going into too much detail, I’ve gotta say, this past week with my family showed me how wonderful I have it.

True, we’ve got stress. True, Master’s job is BULLSHIT (I’ll probably talk more about that in another post on another day…yes, there’s more than you already know). But when it comes down to it, I’m richer than most.

In 2008, I couldn’t see this because we were fighting more than we were appreciating each other. We were saying things we didn’t mean, and ignoring the things that were important, and putting each other aside in the name of things that didn’t matter.

Then Master posted this, and I thought, “Well, maybe.”

Today, I read it again. Twice. And I thought about the things he said and the promises he made. And I thought about the things I said and the promises I made. And I realized that we’ve come a long, long way.

Oddly enough, though we were in a house with four other people, last week, we were able to find moments to sneak away and talk about our life together.

A lot of the talking happened on Sunday. I had a major panic attack that lasted almost all day, and Master held me as I cried. Laid in bed with me all day. Kept me close. Held me tight. Made excuses to my family. Whispered how much he loved me over and over. Showed me tenderness I pretend I don’t need. Literally saved my life. Again.

And when I felt like I could face something other than the four walls we were sleeping between, he climbed into the jacuzzi bathtub, filled with girly bubbles and rubber duckies, and helped me transition from tentatively calm to feeling much better.

On Monday, they went to the track without us because M had to work. When he got a free moment, we climbed back into the jacuzzi tub and talked some more. This time without the threat of my mind shattering. And I realized in those moments just how awesome our relationship is. How amazing my man is. How wonderful I have it.

I would not trade my life for anyone else’s. I wouldn’t trade my love for anyone else’s. I can’t imagine my life without him.

I wouldn’t have a life without him.

As we talked, and he tiptoed around my tenuous grasp on my mental state, I realized there’s nothing Master wouldn’t do for me. It’s one of those things. You know it on some level, but you take it for granted until it’s staring you in the face.

When you’ve got someone willing to go to the ends of the earth for you, life doesn’t seem so harsh. Even mine.

Some would say he shouldn’t feel that way about me. I am, after all, his slave. But if he does feel that way about me, I shouldn’t know about it. Knowing that someone will do anything for you gives you a certain amount of power over them. Allows you to manipulate them into doing your bidding if they’re not on their game, and you’re so inclined.

M doesn’t subscribe to this belief. Master believes that a slave needs to know that their owner will be there for them no matter what. That owning a person is a privilege that comes with great responsibility. That the slave needs to be able to trust that the person to whom they’re handing over all control will take care of them.

Man…I picked a good one.

<3

Categories: Rayne Tags:
  1. Heaven
    August 19th, 2014 at 18:01 | #1

    You sure did and I am happy for you with all that you been thru. I hope to one day find what you have in someone. Until then the search is still on.

  2. Camryn
    August 26th, 2014 at 16:51 | #2

    *quiet happy sigh* This is one of those really intimate posts that makes me feel like I’m intruding. Thank you so much for sharing it.

Comments are closed.
%d bloggers like this: