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100 Things About Me

July 21st, 2014

imageThese used to be all the rage back in the day. Pretty much every blogger who was ever anybody did one. I would start them and then give up at about number twenty. I am just not that interesting. Plus, I’m an over-sharer, so pretty much everyone already knows everything about me. But I’m realizing I have new readers who see my archive and go, “I am not sifting through all of that,” so why not give them a quick and easy way to get to know me? Aside from this post (which really only highlights a few things about me), there’s not really anything like that on this site. So here it is. 100 things about me.

  1. I’m an Aries. Wholly and completely.
  2. I was born on Easter in 1980. (That makes me 34 at the time of this posting, for those of you who don’t have time to do the math.)
  3. My biological mother was killed by a drunk driver 14 months later. She was on a motorcycle and wasn’t wearing a helmet.
  4. I was adopted by my great-uncle’s daughter and her husband.
  5. I have always been privy to this fact.
  6. The adoption was achieved by paying my biological father $5000 to disappear and never come back.
  7. I was not always privy to that fact.
  8. My biological aunt decided to let me in on the secret when I was 15. She was mad because she lived three hours away, and I refused to change my plans when she showed up unannounced. She was in her late 30s/early 40s.
  9. Jealous that I chose to name my first daughter after my bio-mom, and not my bio-aunt, my bio-aunt called me after a particularly difficult birth just to tell me how awful a person my mother—who is also her deceased sister—was.
  10. We’re pretty sure that my bio-aunt hid my bio-sister from me until it became obvious that I wasn’t going to share the settlement money my bio-grandfather received when he sued the family of the girl who hit my mother.
  11. My biological aunt is certifiably insane.
  12. I am of Swedish and Native American descent. I don’t know which tribe because…
  13. M’s been working on my family tree, and can’t find any trace of my biological father. Apparently, he took “disappear” literally.
  14. I don’t talk about my Native American heritage much because of comments like “you look white.”
  15. Not being able to answer questions about my heritage makes me feel sad and lost.
  16. These emotions are a new development. I hadn’t really thought about the fact that I don’t know where I come from until M pointed out that it was odd that I didn’t care.
  17. I am as proud of my Swedish heritage as I am my Native American heritage.
  18. This is possible for me because the Swedish side of my family came to America long after our founding fathers committed crimes against my people.
  19. Most of my family is either completely insane, or completely stuck on themselves.
  20. On the upside, most of the men in my family have served at least one tour in the military. Most during war time. That may have something to do with the insanity.
  21. The military enlisting mostly skipped my generation. Most of my generation suffers the effects of having parents who are completely insane or completely stuck on themselves. Entitlement syndrome runs rampant among my cousins.
  22. I’m pleased to say that my son is continuing the military tradition and enlisted in the National Guard on July 18th, 2014. So proud. And scared. Very scared.
  23. Though I tell most new people I meet to call me Rayne, these days, it is not my given name.
  24. I wish it was.
  25. I’ve spent so much time in the “Rayne” headspace that I no longer identify with my real name. When people say my real name, I go, “Who?” in my head.
  26. I often feel like my real name is attached to my old life.
  27. I separate the span of my life into separate lifetimes in my head as a way to compartmentalize and put the past behind me.
  28. It doesn’t always work.
  29. I am a survivor of domestic violence and multiple sexual assaults.
  30. I have been diagnosed with multiple mental health issues, including bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and anxiety disorder.
  31. I have symptoms of all of them, but I’m not sure I agree with the doctors’ (there have been many) diagnoses. At the very least, I’m on the lower end of the spectrum, or better able to manage them than most, because while I do have panic attacks, and my moods swing, and I’m a bit of a drama queen (in that everything is the end of the world, even though it’s not), I am able to keep it under control most of the time without meds or therapy.
  32. Part of that is knowing my limitations and keeping external stimulation to a minimum when I’m struggling.
  33. People are beginning to think I’m a hermit.
  34. I’m finally realizing that there is no mandate that says I have to be a social butterfly to be a “real” human being.
  35. I don’t know what it means to be a “real” human being.
  36. I am a consensual 24/7 owned pleasure slave.
  37. I love being owned.
  38. I feel freer in chains than I ever did when I was free.
  39. I still sometimes want to bash M over the head when he says or does something I don’t like or think is “unfair”.
  40. I don’t bash M over the head because he gets to determine what’s “unfair”, not me.
  41. I spend way too much time on Twitter.
  42. I am a bitch.
  43. I am not ashamed of being a bitch.
  44. I don’t subscribe to the current feminist theory that words like bitch, slut, whore, ho need to be eliminated from our vocabularies.
  45. I used to have a keychain that said, “Caution: I go from 0 to BITCH in 3.5 seconds.”
  46. I stood by it wholeheartedly.
  47. M made me throw it away. He said a slave doesn’t have any business giving off the “badass” vibe.
  48. It’s the only thing he’s made me throw away that I’m still mad about.
  49. Throwing it away didn’t make it any less true.
  50. Throwing it away also didn’t do away with my badass vibe.
  51. I’m not sure I know how to not be tough on the surface.
  52. This sometimes makes dominating me difficult.
  53. It also makes making friends difficult.
  54. I don’t have a lot of friends.
  55. The friends I do have are amazeballs and accept me for who I am, tough bitch exterior and all.
  56. I’m pansexual.
  57. Romantic and sexual attraction don’t have anything to do with a person’s gender for me. Which is why…
  58. I’m a cisgender female in a heterosexual marriage with a cisgender male.
  59. This does not make me any less pansexual.
  60. I am all about equality and the right to choose how to live for everyone. “Live and let live” is my motto.
  61. Though I am all about equality, I choose not to label myself a feminist.
  62. I am highly annoyed with the sudden influx of commentary claiming I’m some sort of asshole for that. “Look at the company you keep!” There are just as many asshole feminists as there are asshole non-feminists. Look at the company we keep.
  63. I’m partial to purple.
  64. Until I began ridding myself of things I don’t use, I owned over $3000 in sex toys.
  65. Most of them don’t cost more than $50.
  66. I acquired most of them without spending a dime.
  67. The vast majority of my sex toy collection is purple.
  68. Aside from purple, I don’t really have a “favorite” anything. There are far too many choices in the world to delineate the best of most things.
  69. Except songs. My favorite song is “Pet” by A Perfect Circle, followed closely by “No Rest for the Wicked” by Cage the Elephant, and “Imagine” by John Lennon. That probably says something about me that I haven’t figured out yet.
  70. Oh, and sex toys. My favorite sex toy, right now, is my Tantus O2 Revolution.
  71. My favorite sex toy changes often. It might be something else tomorrow.
  72. I like to help people who need it.
  73. My enjoyment is purely selfish. It feels good to know that someone’s life is easier because of me.
  74. I’m a “fucking gamer”.
  75. I’ll try anything once.
  76. I love good food.
  77. I love to cook good food.
  78. If I can’t make a decent meal for M, for whatever reason, I go into a debilitating panic attack. This is probably because…
  79. I used to support myself and four small children on $150 a month after rent and electricity.
  80. There were days we ate plain noodles all day because noodles are cheap and filling.
  81. There were days they ate and I didn’t because there wasn’t enough food to go around.
  82. I was homeless for over a year with four small children.
  83. I always found a bed for the kids at night, but I wasn’t always able to find a bed for myself.
  84. I was hooking to support us at the time, so a few johns I trusted got a few discounted nights with me just so I’d have somewhere safe to rest my head.
  85. During part of that time, the kids’ father was working and refused to give me any money to feed and diaper his children.
  86. I have four biological children and seven step-children. I don’t talk about them much. Here’s why.
  87. My owner/husband literally saved my life.
  88. My best friend at the time declined to save my life until she was threatened.
  89. M barely knew me at the time.
  90. My best friend at the time was also M’s ex-fiancée.
  91. Even after she chose not to save my life, I continued to consider her my best friend until, after giving us her blessing, she tried to steal M back from me.
  92. I’m much more choosey when it comes to calling someone “friend” these days.
  93. I don’t currently have a “real job”.
  94. I will probably never have a “real job” again unless M’s career goes bust.
  95. M’s career will only go bust if M suddenly goes brain dead.
  96. I often feel guilty about not being involved in supporting us, but…
  97. This is how M wants it, so I do what I can to be content with it.
  98. This gives me the ability to make his life easier without outside influences.
  99. With how much of a pain in the ass his job can be, this is good for both of us.
  100. I love M more than I love breathing.
Categories: Rayne Tags:
  1. Ima godiva
    July 21st, 2014 at 13:03 | #1

    We have so much in common! Like, my online name Ima isn’t my real name either! 😉 And I love good food. Possibly the bitch thing, definitely the leave those words in the vocabulary thing, but CERTAINLY not the purple thing. Thanks for sharing. Interesting life, and I suspect more people consider you a friend than you know, my friend. xoxo

  2. July 21st, 2014 at 19:24 | #2

    You are my people. I knew it from the first time we really talked about anything. This is a deep post, but I know better having read it. Thank you for sharing Rayne!

  3. July 21st, 2014 at 20:15 | #3

    What an amazing post, Rayne! I can’t imagine how hard it would be to write 100 things about myself. Your list is so relevant and raw and beautiful and heartbreaking. You’re one hell of an amazing woman!! Thank you so much for sharing this!

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