Home > Rayne > Sometimes, you just need to explode.

Sometimes, you just need to explode.

July 11th, 2014

Through The Fire by Melen - click to enlarge

Through The Fire by Melen – click to enlarge

I have a really bad habit of screaming at Master over things that he has no control over.

This summer, as you know, has pretty much sucked. Master’s back has been out of commission, for the most part, since last September. There have been weeks that we haven’t left the house once because he was in too much pain. I’ve ordered more groceries than I’ve physically gone shopping for.

If you’ve known us long, you know this isn’t normal for us. We usually spend every nice weekend hiking, or camping, or riding our bikes (except last year, when we allowed ourselves to play the victim for a little while), or cooking out, or something. We even used to go to the farmer’s market every Sunday to pick up fresh picked everything, organic meats, and local wines and cheeses. We have done some cooking out, but not as much as we used to. We’ve been hiking twice in low impact areas. And we haven’t been to the farmer’s market once.

M’s back is finally getting better. So much so, that when we were visiting with friends yesterday, they noticed.

“Look at him!” they said. “A couple weeks ago, he came in here, all, ‘Oh, I gotta get back home. My back is too much.’ Today, he’s practically dancing!”

It’s not quite that much better. Our friends like to exaggerate. But it’s obvious in the way he carries himself, and the way he moves, and how much less pain you can see dancing just behind his irises that he’s feeling much better than he was back when he had to roll off the bed onto the floor to get up.

I’m finally allowing myself to breathe. His back’s not perfect, and it might not ever be, but he’s much more mobile than he was, and it gets better each week, so at least there’s that. He’s not crippled. He can have sex again. We can cuddle again. We can just stand in the kitchen hugging and holding each other again.

I cannot tell you how much this means to me. I didn’t even realize how much I missed it until M put his arms around me last night and told me how much he loves me.

That’s that stuffing thing I do. Lock my negative emotions away until things are better and I can deal with them. It works for me. Most of the time.

So when M’s boss called, frantic, to tell M that they got a big time account they didn’t have any business bidding on in the first place, my stomach fell out my ass. When M’s boss told the team that he was probably going to have to revoke vacation time so they could meet the extremely short deadline, I wanted to cry. When the CEO called (everyone), and basically said, “give us every waking moment of your time from now until the deadline, or quit,” I flew into a rage.

At M. For not quitting, I guess? I mean, seriously, what the fuck?

I’ve been bending over backwards to be graceful about being trapped in the house. I know he’s not ready for biking, and the kind of hiking we used to do is out of the question. I’ve been patiently biding my time. And now that he’s almost ready, he can’t because his job just exploded.

So I exploded.

And instead of exploding back, he just listened and let me rant. When I was finished, he said something like, “Thanks for thinking of me. I’m the one who has to figure out how to make this shit work.”

Thanks for thinking of him? Thanks for thinking of HIM? The only person I’m thinking about is him! I mean, I’m pissed because his job is fucking HIM. I’m sad that we’re not going to be able to do everything we wanted to do this summer, but I was expecting that anyway because of his back. I’m pissed because he’s going to get fucked in the long run. He always does. From not being paid what he’s worth, to the CEO outright giving credit for the completion of a difficult task to someone who didn’t even so much as look at the project.

And don’t think I didn’t hear the CEO’s sarcastic response when M reminded him that he’s still in too much pain to put on a suit. “We really don’t have time for you to be in pain, but I guess it is what it is.”

Fucking seriously? Average recovery for M’s surgery is three months as long as the patient is able to get up and walk around every 20-30 minutes to prevent scar tissue from forming on the nerve. M insisted on going back to work early against his doctor’s advice. His doctor was not happy. And his boss is going to give him attitude because his back pain is preventing M from being in the office for meetings that he can just as easily attend over the phone? For real?


So we talked it out. It is what it is. There’s no changing it. The only way to avoid it is to accept homelessness in the very near future. M’s not willing to accept homelessness. Which is good because I would totally take the plunge if it meant more time with him. And I’m trying to be more supportive of him. He’s right. He has to do it. I just have to spend the next month pretending I don’t have a husband.


Even if I wasn’t his slave, I shouldn’t have exploded at Master over something he can’t control. Unfortunately, my anger is something I can’t always control. And anger is easier to deal with than sadness. And sometimes, I just need to explode.

I guess I need to work on that.

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  1. Camryn
    July 11th, 2014 at 16:37 | #1

    I agree; for me anger is way easier to deal with than sadness. Blowing up is a really unfortunate side effect. You’ll make it up to him though 🙂
    I’m happy to hear he’s getting better; a life without cuddles is a bit less awesome, y’know? I wish his job wasn’t so inconsiderate; this is not the first time you’ve mentioned them barging into his off-time (among other rudeness).

  2. July 11th, 2014 at 18:12 | #2

    I sometimes do this. Not so much with his job, because at that point I’m usually screaming about how the company is made up of douche-canoes louder than he is; but about the other niggly things, like the traffic on the roads (that one boggles even me when i’m far away from things with wheels).

    Glad his back is improving, too bad his company is pulling this crap. They should be thanking him (big time) for showing up at all, no matter what he wears considering what he’s done for them…especially considering his early return to work post back surgery. Good luck to you both; hope you make it through this with most of your sanity intact, and find something absolutely wonderful on the other side. 😉

  3. July 11th, 2014 at 23:14 | #3

    @ Camryn
    I’m glad it’s not just me.

    I try not to get too bothered. At least he has a job that pays the important bills. A lot of people don’t have that right now. I guess because I survived poverty and homelessness I’m less afraid of it. And having my partner within arms reach and not even be able to talk to him is fucking painful. Bleh.

    It’ll be over soon. But if this goes well, it’ll open up better opportunities for the company, which means more short deadlines. It’s almost enough to make you wish the company would just stay the same. Almost.

    Gah. Now I feel more selfish. Heh.

  4. July 11th, 2014 at 23:21 | #4

    @ Reaperscreature Aside from the creepster who doesn’t know how to act around a sexually confident woman, and that one tea partier who I try not to hate because he’s a veteran from the front lines with bonafide PTSD, his company is mostly made up of really intelligent, well-meaning people. They wouldn’t revoke vacation time if it weren’t absolutely necessary. It’s just god damned bad timing.

    Don’t even get me started on the traffic here. Almost every time we leave the house we almost get hit or run off the road.

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