Home > Rayne > We’re supposed to be able to say whatever we want.

We’re supposed to be able to say whatever we want.

June 26th, 2014

Day 10Previous to this relationship, M and I were both in relationships where we couldn’t talk about our problems with our partners. And not just problems we had with our partners, but our problems with all of life.

If I started talking about problems I had that involved my ex, he’d disappear for days, leaving me and the kids without money, and sometimes without food, while he was out galavanting with friends and fucking other women. If I started talking about my problems outside of him, he’d go off on tangents about why my focus was in the wrong place and how weak I was.

Master’s ex would use his paranoia against him, and try to convince him that it was all in his head; even things she said and did directly to him.

So one of the first things we did, when we got together, was start negotiating all the things we wouldn’t do to each other, starting with being able to say anything in the world to each other without it causing a rift in the relationship. I mean, beyond whatever problem there already was to cause us to say whatever we said to each other, obviously.

So M does this thing. He’ll decide he hasn’t gotten enough accomplished, and lump me into it.

Like the other day…

He said, “We need to get back to accomplishing at least one thing every day. Even if it’s just paying a bill. I feel better when we get something accomplished every day.”

And every time he says something like that to me, it sounds like, “You lazy, piece of shit slave. Get off your ass and do something for once.”

Granted that is not his fault. It comes from a time when I was in a relationship with a man who refused to let me get a job, and spent all of his time at his job and his friends’ houses. Then he would come home and tell me, the solitary child rearer and housekeeper, that I did nothing to support us.

Besides that, if M meant I’m a lazy, shitty slave, that’s what he’d say, because we don’t beat around the bush or sugarcoat things. But when he says “we need to get one thing accomplished every day” on a Monday after a week where we had to mow twice because of the rain, and a weekend where I had to do almost all of the dishes by hand (we don’t have a dishwasher) every single day so we had stuff to eat on (because we cooked big), and I cooked almost every meal, and I washed and folded all the laundry twice, and while there was another pile of almost all the dishes that I had to wash before I could make dinner (so that’s three times in three days for those of us counting), I want to kick him.

No. Really.

It makes me feel like he doesn’t see or care about anything I do, and hurts my feelings, and pisses me off. I get all, “If you wanna see me not accomplishing anything, I can show you, but I don’t know how we’re doing anything but sitting in our own filth,” in my head.

Of course, I could go bigger. I could accomplish more in a day. There are very few people in the world who couldn’t accomplish more in a day. But that’s not what he was saying. What he meant to say was, “I need to go back to getting one thing accomplished each day.” That “I” makes all the difference.

In his mind, I should just know. I should just know that if he’s not telling me I’m fucking up, then he doesn’t think I’m fucking up. So when he’s saying, “we need to accomplish one thing every day,” he is not saying, “you don’t do anything,” and I shouldn’t take it as such.

And he’s kinda right. I mean, they don’t even sound alike. So why do I hear the latter?

Well, because I’m not happy with the me I am right now. And when I told him that, he said, “That’s not my problem. That’s yours. If you’re not happy with who you are right now, change it.”

Of course, it goes without saying that those changes had better damn well be in alignment with what he wants for us. And they are. I just feel like I’m this little bitty thing, over here, hiding in the corner, and those changes are this fucking giant purple and green monster taking up the rest of the room. How do you overcome a giant purple and green monster that takes up an entire room when you barely fill a corner? My name ain’t David, and that monster sure ain’t no Goliath.

So I got a little huffy. I mean, there he goes again, telling me I’m not good enough.

And he said, “We’re supposed to be able to say anything we want to each other and not take it the wrong way.”

This is true. And while this is partly because of our exes, it’s also because we both have a hard time expressing ourselves. Once upon a time, the only way I ever communicated with anyone was by writing letters. Throw in self-censoring to spare each other’s feelings, and we might as well throw in the towel.

“But besides that,” he went on, “I’m the master, and if I don’t think you’re good enough, I’ll tell you, and your only recourse is to accept it and strive to do better.” (or something…I’m paraphrasing at best, but that’s the basic gist)

God damn it, he’s right. And obviously, he agrees that I’m not good enough.

Like, what the fuck? Will I ever stop hearing “you’re not good enough” whenever he opens his mouth? He has no trouble saying what he means. If he thinks I’m not good enough, he’ll just say I’m not good enough. I don’t ever have to worry about Master mincing words. It’s just not in him to do so. He says what he means, and he means what he says.

So, I guess it’s time to own up to my faults because I see them and not because I manage to twist everything he says into a veiled insult. I guess it’s time for me to be good enough.

Seriously…how does one conquer a giant green and purple monster that takes up most of a room?

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  1. June 27th, 2014 at 02:24 | #1

    It’s very hard to see things in a new light when your view is clouded by the past, I know I still struggle, and, like you, although I recognise when it’s my mind playing tricks on me, it doesn’t stop the negativity filtering through.

    Flip x

  2. July 13th, 2014 at 11:54 | #2

    @ Flip That’s so true. Thanks for the comment! 🙂

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