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Where I’m At

June 3rd, 2014

Writing is hard. Don’t ever let anyone tell you any different.

Writing is especially hard when your mind is going so many different directions you’re having a hard time figuring out which way is up.

I have obligations that I let fall by the wayside because of M’s surgery, and all the things that came along with that wild ride. I want to catch up. I need to catch up. But I seem to have lost my give a damn.

Part of it is stress. We’re living paycheck to paycheck again because of medical bills. Because he’s pretty much never sick enough to visit a doctor, and in the interest of saving money in the short term, M’s got a high deductible plan, so we’ve got a whole slew of medical bills that need to be paid. Half of it, thank god, is reimbursed by M’s company because the CEO is one hell of a guy, but that’s going to take FOREVER. I mean, it takes forever in the best of times because that’s just the way the world works. People are more than happy to take your money. They’re not so happy to give it back.

Part of it is my period. I have PMDD, which, when mixed with bipolar, anxiety, and borderline personality disorders, makes me damn near psychotic for anywhere from 3-14 days depending on the length and severity of my period. This time around, it’s only making me depressed, listless, and occasionally hyper paranoid. Notice the “only”. This is because it can be and has been so much worse.

Part of it is my psychoses. I have managed to convince myself (despite the comments and love I receive…thank y’all so much. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. Sorry I’m not more comfortable doing the same for you. :/ ) no one reads my stuff, anyway, so what’s the point? And then I realized that that means, somewhere along the line, I stopped writing because I want to, and started writing because I want other people to like what I have to say. Which is totally against everything I am and hope to be, and kinda disgusts me…so I’m even more down on myself.

Part of it is some uncertainty in our lives right now. I mean, life changes so much. For everyone. And we’re on the brink of some major changes on a personal level that may or may not happen depending on where the cards fall. Kinda makes continuing down this path when it might not even be available to me in six months feel like I’m trying to get around a wall by banging my head into it.

Part of it is wanting to branch out. I’ve been doing this sex blogging thing since 2003. It was on a private website available only to our friends and those they shared links with until 2005, but I was doing it, damn it! That’s…holy fuck, that’s eleven years. The only other things I’ve done for more than eleven years is play softball and read. But I want to do something different (I think I’ve mentioned this before). For a couple reasons, but partly because I’m just not interested in or cut out for the volatility of activism anymore. And that’s partly due to the “Outrage Machine” (that link’s to the Google search because there were too many good articles to link to just one) and its double standards, but hey, whatever gets you there, right?

Thing is, the only activism M’s ever been interested in me participating in, anyway, is being one of the voices in the BDSM community saying, “Hey! It’s okay to do it your own way! It’s okay to make mistakes! You’re still one of us. We just have different interests.” Because there are far too few of them, and it’s a terrible shame.

The whole point of having a community is to give us a place to interact with like-minded people without judgement. The thing kinksters bitch about the loudest is that mainstream society on the whole judges us based on our sexuality, and not the sum of our personalities and deeds. Yet, here we sit, judging each other on everything from aesthetic beauty, to whose submission is the truest, to who really knows how to be a dominant as if each of us somehow knows a) everything about the other person, or b) everything about the right way to do anything in life that doesn’t only and directly affect us.

This makes me really sad. And angry. But I’m just one voice. And I’m tired. And I’m sad and angry all the time. And I’m sick of it.

I do, however, feel guilty. I’ve spent days upon days just sitting in our backyard, doing absolutely nothing but watching our cats chase bugs and sleep in the shade. Literally. I haven’t had the brain capacity for anything else. And this is wholly due to feeling alone while trying to take care of M.

Don’t get me wrong. My mom came up, and it was great, but our relationship, though better than it ever has been, is tenuous at best, and I have a hard time talking to her about things.

Of course, I have a hard time talking to anyone about things. I’ve had a few people reach out to me, and offer me an ear, and I love them for it, but in truth, I have too many trust issues, and I’m terrified of saying something wrong and ruining yet another friendship with my honesty, so instead, I just…don’t talk to them. I suck. I’m sorry.

And then there’s the comment M made the other day.

I’ve been talking back quite a bit lately. Unable to shut my mouth when he says or does something I don’t agree with, whether it be a comment on my behavior, or an explanation of his side of a debate. I get all, “Wait but this isn’t fair. Here’s what’s really going on…”

For a long time, he just let this slide, so it’s become common practice. If you’re going to let me tell you like it is, I’m gonna do it. I don’t mean to, but like I said a while back, when faced with fight or flight, I will always fight. Even if that just means standing up for myself or something I believe in.

“You’d be literally perfect if you could keep your mouth shut,” he said. And it only made me more indignant. Like I have that right. Ever.

“You always have to have the last word.”

Even as he said it, I was thinking to myself, “The slave always has the last word. It’s ‘Yes, Master.'” but I bit my tongue because he wouldn’t have been impressed. I imagined him responding, “Yep. So say it and shut the fuck up.” And then I got all, “Maybe I don’t have the right to write about being a slave. I’m not a very good one.” in my head.

These are just a fraction of the directions my mind is going in, right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears for two days, and when I stop to think about it, to try and figure out why I’m so emotional (outside of the whole period thing), I get overwhelmed with the possible causes, and fall into despair. At least half of them are related to society, and things I can’t change. Others of them don’t even exist. They’re just in my head. There are some real concerns, like the whole money thing, but nothing regarding our relationship. We’ve been through worse. We’ll get through this.

I’ve always gone through periods in my life where I have to stop concerning myself with the world around me, lest I become completely disillusioned and lose all hope. For humanity, and for me. Goodbye, Cruel World, and all that jazz. I’m far too empathic for my own good, and I allow the problems and opinions of other people to bring me down. I’ve spent too much time letting other people bring me down.

I have no idea what any of this means. All I know for sure is I’m going to spend the coming weeks catching up. I guess once I’ve done that, I can figure out the rest.

Now…to find that give a damn…

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  1. Pete
    June 3rd, 2014 at 18:10 | #1

    Just wanted to let you know I’m rooting for you and hoping that you find what you are looking for. Don’t let the negative people bring you down but don’t stop the good ones from lifting you up either! Feel better 🙂

  2. June 3rd, 2014 at 18:36 | #2

    @ Pete Thanks, Pete! 🙂

  3. Camryn
    June 3rd, 2014 at 19:37 | #3

    From what I understand (and please tell me if I’m wrong!), your biggest obligation is to M, as your husband and Master. Part of your obligation to him is to look after yourself, because he loves you and you serve him better when happy and healthy.
    Sounds to me like you’re trying really hard to fulfill that. Everything’s different right now and it’s difficult and your mind is against itself, but you’re actively distancing yourself from things that make you feel worse and you’re thinking up ways to keep M happy. You’re still here, stubborn as ever *grins*
    Y’all are going to be okay. It might not be a fairy tale, but M doesn’t need to be climbing any towers just yet anyhow 🙂
    I’m cheering for you two.

  4. June 5th, 2014 at 08:46 | #4

    It’s not wrong to walk away from blogging, for a while (or forever!) It’s not wrong to need a break, especially when everything else is so stressful. I’ve done it (recently!) Blogging should be a release or an escape or something that gives you pleasure (for *whatever* reason – and yes, it’s okay and normal to want people to like what you write, even if you do write for “yourself.”) If it’s nit dying those things…then stop doing it, even if only for awhile. Until you WANT to do it again.

    You have an awful lot of stress in your life right now. And you’re awfully hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Breathe. Hug yourself. Find something that gives you a little bit of joy and peace. If it’s blogging, then great. If it’s nit, find something else and come back to this when it DOES.

    As others have said, I’m rooting for you. And sending virtual hugs.

  5. June 5th, 2014 at 10:59 | #5

    @ Camryn I’ve been meaning to respond to this since you left it, but…damn it, it’s not fair when my friends point out the obvious. 😛

    In all seriousness, I just wasn’t sure what to say. Having my true obligation pointed out to me by someone on the outside is a huge help, and I really appreciate it. I’m trying really hard not to be all, “But keeping up with my other obligations is part of my obligation to him.” M literally does not give a fuck about the obligations I’ve let go. Especially since one is a review for a company that told me their review was more important than him.

    Thanks! I can always count on you to swing my head around straight.

  6. June 5th, 2014 at 11:38 | #6

    @ Jade Oh, Jade. Have I told you lately that I love you? I do. We should figure out a way to get together some day when you’re jetting around the world.

    It’s just a weird place to be. Blogging used to be my salvation. These days, because of all the bullshit going on around the Internet, blogging feels oppressive. And I don’t even get negative comments! I think most people gave up on trying to convince me I’m wrong a long time ago. Lol.

    I am hard on myself. It comes from seeing, first hand, who I could have become had I not been raised by an overbearing military man, and wanting to continue not being that person. Sometimes I feel like if I’m not hard on myself, I’ll slip and become that person. I really don’t want that to happen. I kinda like me.

    But you’re right. I need to give myself a break, and stop beating myself down. Thanks for reminding me that I’m allowed to do that. And thanks for the hugs!

  7. Heaven
    June 9th, 2014 at 21:15 | #7

    I am with you on taking a break for a bit. Sometimes there is just too much shit to do. Like in my case I have moved again and now I have to get back into the groove of things and I am not in the mood. I have reviews to finish up too as well. If you break and come back I will still be stalking your blog like I usually do. But if you need the you time you should take it and who cares how negative people are. People have to understand they don’t run others life and don’t live it either so before you try to walk in someone else shoes walk in your own. Big hugs to you sweetie!

  8. Pornfan991
    May 13th, 2015 at 20:25 | #8

    Taking a break can definitely help

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