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30 Days of Kink: Difficulty In Living Kinky

April 24th, 2014

30 Days of KinkFor the rest of this series, and links to others who have participated, click here.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

1 — So we all know I struggle with mental health issues, right? I think this is one of the biggest obstacles that consistently pops up in our journey.

I am unmedicated and do not see a therapist. Therapy never worked for me. It’s been suggested that this could be partially due to the fact that therapy was always forced. That makes a certain kind of sense. It can’t work if you don’t let it, and I most certainly was not interested in it working some of the times I was in therapy. I wasn’t ready to heal; better to bury it. But there are other issues that come with seeing a therapist when you’re in an owner/property relationship.

People still believe that no woman could ever enjoy living the type of lifestyle I have chosen for myself. I’m regularly accused of “setting the feminist movement back” 50 years, and making light of other people who were enslaved against their will. People have told me I’m not really a strong woman who has chosen a BDSM relationship, but rather, a weak woman who can’t stand up for herself and pretends to be strong.

Master is regularly accused of brainwashing me. And ya know what? To some extent, he has. I mean, isn’t that, ultimately, what training is? How come training someone to think and behave a certain way is called “education” when it’s in a school setting, but when a man trains his woman (or any gender combination, for that matter) it’s called “brainwashing”? And does this still apply when express consent is given? What about in marriage? There’s definitely a certain amount of training between spouses.

I have a friend who was recently told by a therapist that she’s gross and fucked in the head for her desires. A licensed therapist. Who apparently doesn’t keep up with the DSM because it was determined that BDSM is not a symptom of mental illness years ago.

That shit infuriates me.

So…I don’t take chances. I’m not really good about trusting people in the best of times. Paranoia is a major symptom of pretty much everything they say is wrong with me. And boy, do I have paranoia down.

But also, those folks are mandated reporters. I think if someone put Master in jail for doing what I asked him to do, I’d break my personal rule of not hitting first without consent. No, I don’t think. I know. And that would be a shame, because I haven’t broken that rule since the first time I got in trouble for hitting my sister…when I was, like, eight.

2 — I’m pretty strong-willed. I’ll take anything and anyone on if I think they’re out of line. All through school, I stood up to bullies. In high school, I was almost arrested at my senior homecoming game for standing up to police officers who were overstepping their bounds with my friends. I always say exactly what’s on my mind without candy-coating it. So something I’ve struggled with throughout our relationship has been shutting my mouth when I think something’s unfair.

“Fair? Fare is what you pay to ride the bus. That’s the only ‘fair’ I know.” Heylia James (Weeds)

That’s about how it works here. I mean, that’s not to say that Master doesn’t do his best to be fair when he thinks he should, or when he wants to. But there will always be a time where his thoughts, feelings, opinions, needs, wants, whatever take precedence over mine; especially when they clash. He’s the master. I’m just a lowly slave.

But I was born to a disabled woman in an abusive relationship with a violent criminal. I was adopted when she died and he went to jail, and I grew up with a giant chip on my shoulder in the shape of my parents’ biological child (my baby sister) who I felt got preferential treatment. I’ve been defending and protecting myself from a cruel world since the day I was born. So my natural instinct, when Master pulls rank and I don’t think it’s fair, is to pitch a bitch; stand up for myself.

This would be less of a problem if there weren’t times that I don’t remember my place until we’ve found ourselves knee deep in bullshit. At least I stop digging?

3 — I like standing up for people and things that I believe in. Remember back in the day, when hippies would pile in VW vans, and drive all over the country to participate in protests? That would totally be me if I wasn’t collared to a man who wants to just be left alone to live his life.

Master’s actually restricted me from some activism because he’s tired of me getting angry and depressed over things that I have no control over and ultimately don’t affect me. “You’re not a white knight,” he tells me, and when he sees my mood changing because of the things I’m involving myself in, he threatens to take Twitter away.

He thinks I find all the stuff I get mad about on Twitter. I actually get quite a few of them from my RSS subscriptions (All hail Feedly!). But I shouldn’t push too much, or he’ll take the whole internet away. That? Would suck. I’d be SO BORED when he’s working. I mean, we’ve got a pretty small house. Even if I re-cleaned the whole thing every day, after the first time I ripped it apart cleaning would only take an hour.

And who knows if he would consider the PS3 “the internet”. It’s hooked up to the internet, but the only thing I use the internet for is to download games and mods. I’ve never been told I can’t play the online games online, I just prefer to solo most of the time. Mostly because I get really pissed off when I’m in a group with people who don’t know how to be in a group. ANYway…

4 — My family lives a million miles away. Who’da thunk this would be an issue for me? I had so much anger and frustration with my childhood, and my early adulthood, and…and then my mom came to visit, and we talked about some of it for a little bit before I shut down. It became abundantly clear that my family only has a cursory knowledge of what I’ve gone through.

Which makes sense. I never wanted to talk about it because I was afraid for my family’s safety if I did. Now that it’s over, I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want them to feel bad. There’s nothing they could have done. It’s over. I’m moving on. No need to dredge it all up again.

5 — Sometimes, I want things Master doesn’t want me to have. No, really. He’s already vetoed half a dozen tattoos, and piercings, and jobs, and toys, and…it’s his right. He’s the master. And in most cases, he proves to be right in his decision. I’ve long since accepted the fact that he’s smarter and more logically minded than I am. That doesn’t make it hurt any less when I can’t have something I want because he doesn’t think it’s appropriate, or whatever.

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  1. Camryn
    April 25th, 2014 at 13:24 | #1

    I remember reading in other posts that M has ordered you to talk about your feelings and that you respond well to that. Actually a lot of what you’ve said in various posts indicate that this relationship is more healthy for you than seeing a therapist would. Add to that the difficulty of finding a therapist that M would approve of/that would understand your relationship and it’s obvious you’re better off without one.
    The last one is kind of mind boggling. It’s obviously difficult for you to hear “No,” but in the end you accept it. How does that not create resentment? Something small like “Not that toy” would be annoying, but bearable, but “Not that body mod” or “Not that job”would be really frustrating for me. You’re really committed to this. Not just him, but the dynamic you have. That’s so sweet.

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