Home > No Stupid (Kink) Questions > No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 23 – No More Rewards

No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 23 – No More Rewards

January 22nd, 2014

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 23:

My relationship has always worked on a reward/punishment dynamic. It’s not like my owner went out and bought me something every time I was good, or congratulated me when I did what I was told. That would be silly. But when I went above and beyond, or completed a task he knew was particularly difficult for me, he would do something nice to let me know he recognized this, and was pleased. Then, one day, he stopped. What happens when the rewards stop? Should I take this as an indication that I’m no longer fulfilling my station in his life?

To answer your last question first, no.

I don’t know about you, but I get particularly perturbed when people make assumptions about me without talking to me first. Especially if they’re close to me and they know I get particularly perturbed when people make assumptions about me.

My owner gets REALLY annoyed when I make assumptions about him. If I tell him I think he thinks I’m not good enough for him, he really lets me have it.

On the other hand, if I say, “Hey Master? I’m kinda feeling insecure in my station. Have I been performing up to your standards?” (or something similar, since that’s not really how I talk) he’ll freely discuss my behavior without getting annoyed that I made assumptions about him.

I swear life is like chess.

Anyway, to answer your first question, when you notice changes in your relationship that weren’t discussed before hand, you should always discuss it with your partner. “So, usually, when I do A, B, or C, you reward me with X, Y, or Z. Lately, though, there have been no rewards, and I’m concerned.”

This opens the door for them to tell you what’s going on in their life and why they made the change. Maybe your owner has been busy, and hasn’t had time to take notice of the hard things. Maybe he’s decided that the hard things aren’t so hard anymore, and you need to step up your game. Who knows?

Him, that’s who. So go talk to him.

  1. Heaven
    January 22nd, 2014 at 18:00 | #1

    This is how I feel with my Master and we just started out. It get’s frustrating and I have already been in the assuming. He has some issues going on that need worked out and I am behind but I am frustrated as well. Then he works a lot too and I have certain times to speak with him or see him for that matter. I like you Rayne you always give some good advice. Thank you for this because it made me feel a bit at ease.

  2. February 3rd, 2014 at 10:34 | #2

    @ Heaven Aww thanks, lady! I’m sorry things are frustrating for you right now. I’m sure you’ll work them out with time. 🙂

    If it’s any consolation, having set times to be with your master isn’t unusual. A lot of d/s relationships are set up this way for one reason or another. I’m lucky. I’m married to my master, and we live together. But I still have times I can’t talk to him, like when he’s working, and such. It’s hard, but I think we grow because of it. 🙂

    Chin up. Thanks for the comment!

  3. Heaven
    February 3rd, 2014 at 14:49 | #3

    Thanks for responding back Rayne, since then I have seen him and finally know what is going on and if you follow my blog you will see too. I am now in a Poly Family. Some of the issues are being worked out but I now know what was happening and am happy with it. I wish I could live with them but that is kind of hard right now because I have kids who are still young and on top of that I know I am welcome but don’t have a way to get there when I can. So they come pick me up. I know in time it will work out but I will have to take it day by day.

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