Gandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 22:

I identify as a submissive. A while ago, I met a dominant couple, and we’re pretty good friends, now. The trouble is, they’re always bossing me around. When I brought it up to them, they said that’s just something I have to deal with if I want to be submissive, and that, as a submissive, I should defer to all dominants in all things. I don’t really want to submit to them, and I definitely don’t want to submit to perfect strangers who call themselves dominants. Does that mean I’m not submissive?

First things first: ditch the friends. They’re full of shit, and have no concept of consent as it applies to kink. Besides that, if they’re bossing you around without your consent, and telling you “that’s just what submission is about” when you protest, they are violating your rights and boundaries, which, in my mind, shows that they have no respect for you or your friendship.

Second: NO! Not having an interest in what could ultimately be equated with suicide in the right situation does not, in any way, make you less of a submissive.

If all the dominants you know take you to the Golden Gate Bridge and tell you to jump off, would you do it? God, I hope not. And if they tell you you’re not submissive when you tell them to go fuck themselves, you send ’em to me. I eat abusers in dominant clothing for breakfast.

Regardless of which way you go with your relationship dynamic when you enter into a relationship, your first concern has to be with yourself. There are sickos in every walk of life. Nobody’s gonna watch out for you but you. And if you just go around doing everything every self-identifying dominant tells you to, you might end up in a situation you really don’t want to be in. Not to mention, that’s not submission. That’s being a doormat for random strangers.

If it’s your thing, then by all means, go for it. Some people will appreciate it. Some dominants are actually looking for submissives who enjoy this type of submission, or at least will behave this way without complaint to please them. But it is not, at all, a requirement.

However! This does not mean that you can be a dick to dominants you aren’t in a relationship with, either. I mean, you can, but that’s douchey. Submissive or not, we should all do what we can to treat each other with mutual respect and common decency unless and until we’ve given each other a reason not to. That’s my opinion, anyway.